Thursday, August 16, 2012

How my kids learned to earn (and value $$$)

This summer I tried something new. I drew a harder line than I ever have before for purchases for my kids. Their, "I want I want I want..." mantra had been getting out of control and no was not the best, long-term solution. Now that they are 7 and 10, it seemed about time for them to get an allowance.

But...how did we handle doling out an allowance?

Handing out money to them each week simply for being did not feel right to us. We think it is important to learn how to earn. Also, I am a big believer in kids learning the value of their work and how to negotiate and discuss money.

Tying money to their chores also did not feel right. We believe strongly that each member of the family has an important role and tasks that contribute towards making our home and family run well. Since they were very young, we expected our kids to do certain chores as members of the family. It started simply with picking up toys. Our expectations grew as the children grew. They must fold and put away their laundry, clean up their dishes, care for the pets, gather their trash on trash day, and so forth. In short, we expect them to take care of their own "household footprint" as is appropriate for their ages.

Still, I wanted them to learn to earn and to value a dollar and understand the cost of things, the real cost, when it comes out of your little stash of cash.

Prior to this, we'd provided everything they needed and a lot of what they wanted (within reason). So they perceived that money was something endless that came from mom and dad's bottomless wallets. Except money in our family is finite and our wallets are actually shallow. Having grown up with constant money worries, though, I didn't want my kids to be concerned. So we were sometimes indulgent, and often creative.

Image provided by: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It started with The List. They'd see something (or many things) in stores that they wanted. Usually, it was a passing fancy, an impulse, and not something I wanted to add to our house. The answer no could work, but after a while that didn't feel like the right response all the time either. So I established The Wish List. At first, I kept a piece of paper in my purse, one side for each child. If they really liked something, we'd consider adding it to the list.

The list comprised all the ideas for gifts when family and friends inevitably asked, "What do they want?" for birthday or Christmas. It was pretty handy. It gave them a sense of choice, eliminated "no" tantrums, and served a function. Plus, the list was rewarding because...they did end up getting gifts from it that they wanted.

The thing about the list, though, was the more that was on it, the less chance you had of getting what you liked most of all. A $2 doll at the doll store looks cheap and fun in the moment, but what if someone gets that and another cheap toy instead of the $7 doll outfit that fit the American Girl doll?

The list never got as long as you might imagine -- considering kids usually see 50+ things they "want" every time you go anywhere, see a commercial, or get a catalog in the mail.

Later, though, the cheap toys and junk was too young to appeal to them, and they specialized in things they liked, such as American Girl and Lego. The catalogs for those toys were more appealing, as were a couple of other lines. They'd circle items in catalogs, thrilling the grandparents.

The list? Was moot.

It set a valuable precedent though, and so I had little trouble in establishing the earn-n-spend system. And the kids had little trouble in comprehending it.

Roll Of Money by Anna Langova
This summer I decided to give it a go. My husband and I are extra busy in the summer, so more help around the house is welcome. I'd stop buying them stuff. I'd expect them to use their own money. And I decided that for the kids to get money, I'd try offering to pay them to do chores above and beyond their normal chore responsibilities.

But.

There were strict parameters.

  • We'd negotiate a fair rate for each chore, chore by chore.
  • They had to track the date, chore done, and amount on a piece of paper invoice-style.
  • I'd offer chances, but the work had to get done, get done well, and in a timely way.
  • They had to show initiative and ask or propose work.
  • They could not begin demanding money for their regular responsibilities.
  • I recommended that they set a goal, have something specific to work towards to stay motivated.

This sure had the potential to teach a lot of lessons: how to negotiate, how to value work, how to track your earnings, how to bill, how to save, how to choose to spend, initiative, writing, math, diligence, and so on.

We outlined the opportunity to the kids, who signed up eagerly.

The 7 year old is a work in progress on this. She's earned some, but isn't yet 100% at the living it fully place. She does grasp the concept. She has an invoice, has some cash stashed in her bank, sometimes asks for work, sometimes takes work, but...work in progress. The key lessons are there with her, though. In the store, she wanted a $2 place mat, "It's only $2!" she pleaded. "Okay," I said, "You have enough cash to buy it. Is that how you want to spend your money? Or do you want to keep saving for the dolls?" She opted to keep saving. On another occasion, she started to ask for something but cut herself off, explaining, "It's a want, not a need, and I don't want to spend on it right now, or ask you to."

Joy Decoration by Petr Kratochvil
I may have indulged in a brief daydream sequence of a happy dance with confetti blowing around me.

The 10 year old took to it like a champ. She identified a toy she wanted desperately. It cost $108. However, you had to order it through the Internet, so we discussed projected shipping and tax, then went through the process of starting an order to make sure of the final amount. She needed to earn about $125.

We discussed average amounts for chores, from about $1-$5 max. We looked at how much she'd need to earn per day to have enough by the end of the summer to get the toy. She had her goal, and she worked out a plan. She set up her invoice page, including adding a column for running total so she could see her progress.

I definitely indulged in a long daydream sequence of happy dance, with peppy song and confetti.

Since June, that child has worked diligently. She's taken on tough tasks such as sweeping the drive and sidewalk after the weekly mowing. She's taken on yucky tasks such as scooping the yard of pet poop before the weekly mowing. She's taken out garbage and recycling, sorted recycling, emptied dishwashers, swept floors, vacuumed, dusted, and more.

About half way through, she got discouraged. "This is so hard, I'll never get there, I'm tired..." and so on. We sat down and calculated how far she'd come, how much to go, what she needed to do to get there, how she could maybe earn a big chunk to feel a big progress, and...she dug back in and kept going. A couple of times she'd be tempted by something in a store and we'd have the "weighing pros and cons" talk and she'd decide. Each time she decided to skip the tempting item and keep saving for her treasured toy.

One day she ran down the stairs, clutching a piece of paper, yelling happily, "I DID IT! I DID IT! I EARNED ENOUGH!!"

That day we sat down and ordered her toy. She handed me her invoice, I handed her the full payment, she marked her invoice PAID, then handed the money back to me and I ordered the toy with my credit card. I know it would have been satisfying to hand cash to a clerk but this seemed to work for her.

Then we waited. Seven to ten business days. Because, even though she wanted it right away, it wasn't worth the extra work and wait to earn the overnight shipping.

This week the toy arrived. She is delighted.

"It means so much more because I EARNED IT," she told me.

And so it does.

Thumbs Up by Petr Kratochvil
Like her sister, also, she has become wiser about spending. On our recent vacation, I gave them, as usual, a souvenir budget. Her 7 year old sister spent smartly, finding a deal and buying two things on sale. But spend she did, and quickly. She doesn't regret it, but later, there was a sad moment because she saw another thing she liked. Ultimately, though, she decided she still liked her purchases best. My 10 year old, though, was patient. She waited until the end of the trip, measuring and evaluating each thing for its worthiness. In the end, she decided to go to a nursery and buy a plant. She found the one she wanted, under budget. She wanted something that grew and lasted, not another thing to add to her room. Another thing to tidy. And she didn't spend every dime. "I just want to find something worthwhile," she said, "And luckily it costs less! So we can save the rest."

I'd end there, happily.

But the real ending comes only yesterday, when, while out, I saw something tempting, on sale.

"Oh Mom," said my 10 year old, "Do we really need that?"

"Yeah Mom," echoed my seven year old, "Or would you rather save that money for something more important?"

And there you go.

My kids have learned (will continue to learn) how to earn, how to save, how to spend in a smart way, and the value of a dollar.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

It may be an odd life, but it's ours: Why you MUST see The Odd Life of Timothy Green

They stood in the kitchen arguing about the child and What To Do. A couple, loving and supportive of each other, rarely fighting, but now, in barely suppressed yells, they had a serious go at one another's parenting choices.

The child in question was upstairs (or so they thought) and he was their miracle. The longed for, finally gotten child. Exactly what they had always wished for.

Except what they were learning is that even when you get exactly what you wish for, it doesn't mean things turn out how you want. Or thought you wanted.

When the child appeared in the doorway and shouted, "Stop fighting!" They stopped. But they had been winding down anyway, realizing that they were arguing with fate or circumstance or something like it rather than each other.

The couple is Jim and Cindy Green, and the child is Timothy Green. They are the lead characters in the new movie, releasing today, The Odd Life of Timothy Green.


The unbearable lightness of being a parent: 
thrilled pride, 
jangling nerves. 
Absolute faith. 
Then absolute panic.
Then joy.
And so on.


And I loved that scene. I loved it because it was harsh, imperfect and real. I loved that scene like I loved the entire movie because the movie -- despite the metaphorical and implausible plot of a child growing in a garden under a cabbage leaf -- and its story and characters were more real than any movie I've seen in a long, long time.

Magical realism. In its ideal form.

You've likely seen the trailers and advertisements for this film. If you have, you get the start of it. A childless couple at the end of their infertility road decides to have a big sendoff to the idea of "their kid." They write down every trait they wish their kid would have. They bury it in their vegetable patch. Then, miraculously, that exact child appears, and he is even named Timothy, the only boy name on their list.

I bet you think that next it is one big Disney happily ever after trip. You'd be so, so wrong.

What's next is one big unexpected, yet real trip through so many emotions, situations, and family dynamics that any type of person will find at least one Moment in this movie. I found a lot.

It looks very pretty, but it's complicated.

The movie delivered one of the truest, most honest and heartfelt sense of infertility, parenthood, marriage, leftover childhood baggage, dysfunctional social dynamics, job and financial worries, marital strife, and...well, the human condition that I absolutely fell in love with it. I fell in love with The Odd Life of Timothy Green. The story it told. Why we keep our heads up. Why we keep going in the face of adversity. How we find things we lost, like ourselves. How nothing is ever perfect, how nobody is ever perfect, but how we find beauty and merit in them anyway. Sometimes. Sometimes? We just don't.

Maybe it's just the right movie in the right moment for me. But I honestly think it is technically an excellent film:

  • the cinematography is gorgeous and creates the scene as the other character in the movie
  • it's brilliantly cast by actors who are genuine and talented
  • the plot is beautifully done with just enough heartwarming to balance out the challenges
  • it doesn't hold your hand nor does it patronize you, especially not by smoothing out all the rough edges until you get a totally flat film
  • there is no conniving or easy stereotypes, yet it remains sightly unpredictable in a realistic way
  • it's tight and triple fudge thick in spots so that 20 seconds gives you a full, rich story without breaking the plot and going in to all this background
  • it never felt preachy or morality tale, instead, it felt as if it reflected back to us who we are, as people, without judgment or agenda; in fact, it almost felt like this sort of unconditional love or acceptance

There are things you will do for your child, family, loved ones...that you'd never do otherwise.
Even if, sometimes, you enter it knowing...just knowing...it's not going to go how you planned.
Sometimes that's even better.

I don't want to delve too deep or tell you how you ought to think of this movie. I definitely don't want to tell you what happens. Let the story unfold for you on its own, and I wish you to find in it what you want.

I will say, simply, that I loved this movie. And two days later, I still do. I want to see it again.

My husband also loved it, as did my kids (10 and 7). They agree with me that it was beautiful and ugly and real and sad and happy and hard and worthy. They agree you should go see it.