Skip to main content

Will work for food



My kids have been driving me stark.raving.mental lately.

They are wonderful children, really. Nevertheless, I offered to sell them to my mother, cheap. I said both came with their own wardrobes and furnishings, as well as toys. Anyone in the know knows just how much the accessories cost---far more than the actual children themselves. I also offered that if she acted now, shipping would be free.

She turned me down, without even needing a moment to think (which I offered).

I ask you, is that anyway for a grandmother to behave?

Yeah, I know, she raised her own already.

But did she need to add, "HA! As IF! I thought you were tough to raise but HA HA HA then I met your children!" She laughed some more.

Probably thinking how well that curse worked out. You know the one, "SOME DAY I HOPE YOU HAVE KIDS JUST LIKE YOU! OR WORSE!"

Look at that, bonus curse on me for no extra charge.

Anyway, they are cute but very, very high-maintenance. SHHHHH!!!! I know what you are thinking, what kid isn't? Trust me on this...some are just a little MORE than others. Call them spirited, call them wild, whatever you like. It isn't a discipline issue; it's a personality issue.

Today my kid got time out at school. For using Naughty Language that the teacher would not even repeat to me. I painted total shock on my face...but inside I was remembering calling that little Honda that cut me off doing 90 on the freeway yesterday, and I do quote, "TOTAL AND UTTER BUSH-LOVING SHITHEAD!"

Please oh please tell me it was more inocuous, like poopyhead (a current favorite of her and her group of friends).

The teacher had no further details but did say that my darling had a "rough day" full of "poor choices." She said she handled it---and I am sure she did---and assured me there was no need for further action at home.

Wow...do I have a reputation as an ass-kicker? Of my adorable and sweet little children?

All I can say is that my little precious had her last birthday and was possessed by the spirit of Joan Crawford. My husband and I have asked the local priest---a marvelous Irish fellow full of humor, wit and reality---but apparently the Catholic Church has gotten very iffy about exorcisms. Something about bad press.

I can see the teacher's point; I think my daughter was just having a Manic Monday. Which, of course, will be followed by a Terrible Tuesday, Whackadoo Wednesday and oh, you get the picture.

The most charming moment---yes, something trumped the visual of my angel calling a classmate a bush-loving shithead on the playground---was my sweetie bumping her toe and melting into a quadraplegic pool on the sidewalk, "I-i-i-i-i-i-i c-a-a-a-a-a-n't {snuffle} {sniff} w-a-a-a-a-a-l-l-l-k-k-k-k Mom." Hysterical sobbing.

Her friends looked on with rubber-neck interest, but I noticed nobody said goodbye to her when she left.

Her punishment?

I am so awful.

I let her go home with the aforementioned verbally assaulted child (who is neither a shithead, nor, to my knowledge, a bush-lover) and play all afternoon.

But really, the two for one sales deal---accessories included and act now for no shipping!---is still up for grabs. The little one does tricks (see photo above) and will work for food, especially Twizzlers. Be careful though: her dignity is easily affronted and she makes the big one look EASY.

As for me? Back to the salt mines.

And people wonder why I dress like Mr. Rogers Visits So-Ho: rumply, raggedy, frazzled frump.

By Julie Pippert
Artful Media Group
Museum Quality Digital Art and Photography
Limited Edition Prints
Artful by Nature Fine Art and Photography Galleries
The Golden Orchid: Original and Unique Wearable Art

© 2006. All images and text exclusive property of Julie Pippert. Not to be used or reproduced.

Comments

Hey, sistah. We must be on the same wavelength today or something.
Om.powered said…
baby, nobody can do Mr. Rogers Visits SoHo like you can...

xo

Popular posts from this blog

Restaurant Trauma in Texas: How eating out prompted a really uncomfortable lesson about culture

WARNING: This is NOT a family-friendly post, aka the warning I WISH I'd gotten yesterday before I walked in. Yesterday was a Holiday. I hope you heard the scare quotes around that. Yeah, when you are an adult here is how holidays work: you, same workload as always, kids WOO HOO NO SCHOOL FREEDOM. Do the equation. The result is the day I had yesterday. If math isn't your strong suit I'm pretty sure you can still add that up but just in case let's say the highlight of the afternoon included me dumping out the mismatched sock basket and telling the children to have at it, in a way very reminiscent of Miss Hannigan of Annie . Anyway luckily I've taught my kids that Chores are Fun! and they had a good time. Later, I cranked up the fun-o-meter on a bank errand by dropping in the Halloween store to check out costumes, and upped the ante on "Mom needs new running shoes" by tacking on a "Hey let's eat out at a restaurant!" My husband was able to join ...

If I Could Talk To Him One More Time, Today (a Monday Mission)

This is part of the Monday Mission. We're to leave a voice mail. Check out Painted Maypole's spot for more... "Hi...umm...Mitch? It's Julie, Julie from high school. I doubt you remember me; we only knew each other for about five minutes. You mowed our lawn a few times, dated my friend's sister, and were in my AP English class senior year. That's why I'm calling---about what you did in the English class. It made a lasting impression, really made a difference in my life. That probably sounds dramatic but it's true. You see, I'd spent a lot of years being the kid who fell through the cracks in school. I think by high school I'd gotten tired of being the good enough and compliant student. Senior year, I was one inch from dropping out, and I probably would have if I'd had the guts or I thought my parents would let me get away with it. Instead, I just created a lot of unnecessary sturm and drang for myself, and cut school so much that by the end ...

'Whatever' is not an actual salary and it really doesn't buy the groceries, either

Teaching my girls how to pull the rope for themselves. It was a pretty innocuous mother's club meeting, and we were talking about babysitters. I don't even recall why it came up, the talk about babysitters. Conversation unrolls so organically in these meetings, these times we get together, without children, and get to just talk. But sitters came up in conversation and the turn of that conversation surprised me. Greatly. Apparently around here it's bad manners to quote an hourly rate for one's babysitting services. "You know what gets me?" a mom said, "You know what sitters I prefer? Who I pay the most to? The ones who say 'oh just pay me whatever.'" She went on to explain that (and this is my paraphrase not her exact statement) to her, it came across as very forward, rude even, when these sitters said they charged X dollars per hour. My mind rolled that concept around for a minute: it's cheeky and rude to state upfront how much you charg...