Ha! My last post was my 800th post and I missed that, being in such a rush as I was. So this is 801.
That's pretty par for the course for me right now---catching it just one too late. I feel it from most angles, this sense of, "You're a day late and dollar short."
Despite taking the kids to the Zoo Zoobilee bash last night---earning me the "For my kids' sakes I would walk 500 miles...in the godawful heat...at the ZOO...with crowds of melting people and animals hiding in whatever shade they could find" badge---and ensuring that each day contains at least one fun thing such as a trip to the pool, the kids and I have not launched summer off well. We could call it a bang because there has been much slamming of doors and yelling.
I'm a-wearied.
The kids are not used to being together this much and sharing this house and its space and the toys and things (moms) within for so many consecutive hours. This has caused a Sibling Rivalry Flare-Up for the record books.
The kids are also not used to having to think and do so much on their own, masters of their own time. The broadened boundaries have bewildered and unsettled them. Actually, I had just gotten the little one settled in when the entire apple cart was upset by the big one coming home.
On the side, in the Julie Life, instead of the Mom of Patience and Persistence life, many and much excitement is happening with all the political goings-on. I feel myself stirring to life again.
And the kids hate it. Hate. It.
They know Mommy has a new Interest and they are jealous of it like a third grade best friend who doesn't want her buddy to like anyone else. They can't quite direct their anger to a concept so they unleash it on me with Attitude and then turn viciously on their father when he walks in the door, in case he is somehow related to the Competition.
If I had a dime for every time I explained that feeling mad/tired/upset/frustrated isn't an okay reason to act mean, so let's try X instead...my trips to BlogHer (or NetRoots, it's in AUSTIN, with HOWARD DEAN...what can I SAY! I'm torn and confused suddenly.) and the DNCC in Denver would be covered, first class.
When motherhood is a huge challenge (and yes, I know it usually is, but you moms know what I mean, when there are Special Times and Special Challenges) and you see very little payoff for your mad hard extreme efforts, it's easy to want to plug in harder and more often to the things that do positively reward and give good feedback.
In fact, if you are a bit introverted like I am, you need and crave more alone time, and in the summer, full-time home with kids and other obligations plus the work thing, that's in short supply.
It's easy to hit burn out. That leads to pondering and reflection.
How much do I owe myself? How much do I owe my kids? How much choice do I get to make for me, when I chose to be a mom and have kids?
I don't quickly and easily buy into the idea that a happy me is best for the kids. I grew up in the 70s, my friends, and saw that philosophy in action. I, and probably loads of other Gen Xers, thought it was utter BS. Kids want what they want and that is often in contradiction to what a parent wants. I also don't easily buy into the notion that I know best and ultimately it will work out and those kids will see this is all for the best.
I do buy into the idea that more than any other relationship, parenting is one of the ultimate struggles of conflicting wants.
As my kids get older, it's both clearer and more complicated that this is much deeper than just balancing. This is about compromise and sacrifice, on both sides, and nobody comes terribly easily to that. I hope my children see and learn, though, during this and coming times, that it is necessary to set yourself aside sometimes---even as a child.
The key is to balance the giving and taking, and ultimately not ask too much or anything too big of the children if I don't have to. Unfortunately, there aren't any large tags on situations that clearly state: This Is The One (too many, too big).
My kids don't like seeing me busy with things to do this summer, things other than Mom. This time is usually invisible to them while they are at school. Plus, it is a bit more than usual.
I struggle every day with where and to whom I am best served...serving. I struggle with my children's trouble with me serving myself, and so, I find myself cutting back on my usual me time since work time is taking more of me and my time. I struggle with what I want and my dreams, which don't fit what I think the kids want or what I decided was best for the kids. I struggle with the unexpected conflict between Julie and Mom.
It's one thing, with little kids, babies, when you are so dedicated to these dependent creatures, to adjust to being a mom in addition to all else you are and have done.
It's another thing, as the children grow independent and begin to move more into their own lives, to begin backfilling that space with a little more of you.
It's one thing, to juggle the demands of little ones on yourself. I know my friends and I all spoke meaningfully about needing and craving some space, so me-time, so sense of self beyond Mom. Some looked at us as if we were insane, because Mom was enough. Everyone had a theory. All moms talk about the juggle and struggle between self- and momhood.
But this...this is new and different. This is a bigger struggle than before. The demands and need for me for the kids at this age---as they grow away---is even greater, and right when I have begun doing more of my own thing.
I admit, it's taken me by surprise, especially the resistance. I didn't expect, really, that anyone would mind or notice too much that I was dashing off to my own thing a bit. But I think everyone in this family does.
It's both gratifying and frustrating.
In the end, for me, I want it all. I want the work and the kids, the in the house and the out of the house, and apparently I want it equally on both sides, because when I dig down deep: it is equal, equally weighted. So when I look for the deciding factor, it tends to come down to what's more important, who is more important, what matters most.
The clear answer to that is the kids, isn't it?
Except it's not. Sometimes it is and sometimes...it gets to be me.
Slowly but surely we are all growing to trust that what we want will all come to the top in good turn.
So...
I owe you a few things.
1. Visits, replies, comments, and emails. Yes. I will. Soon. Promise. Just don't show me your disappointment. Please. I have that piled on me in droves just now.
2. A winner from last week's Hump Day Hmm. This is Gillian, from Pocket Lint. Congrats Gillian! Drop me an email and let me know if you prefer Morgan Spurlock's Super Size Me, Don't Eat This Book, or Season 1 of 30 Days, and also let me know shipping details.
3. Next week's Hump Day Hmm topic: this is "How far would you go for your kids/family/loved one/self?" I vary the who it is because really, that's up to you, as is the interpretation of the question. Maybe it's 500 miles through a hot and crowded zoo. Maybe it's a move to another country. Maybe it's setting aside something you do. Maybe it's a life change, such as getting sober.
4. Next post...the story from my point of view of meeting David Axelrod, Senator Barack Obama's Chief Strategist. Report right now at MOMocrats with photo.
Copyright 2008 Julie Pippert
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Comments
There's always that guilt - not having seen them all day, only the few hours in the morning & few hours in the evening before bed... How can I not just focus solely on them? Most days I feel like I have an ok balance -- but still end up feeling like I haven't given any of us as much as we need.
I am an introvert too and finding that precious me time is not always easy with two kids.
I think the act of reflection is what keeps it working for us those.
I know it's presumptive of me to speak for your kids, but with mine, so much of the complaining is totally for show. Once I actually walk out the door, they are over it.
I will have from 8:37 (bus pick up) until 3pm (school pickup? or 3:30 pick drop off) with Luna. Just me and Luna. Yikes! I am so used to the girls playing together and letting me putter and clean and blog, that I don't know what I am going to do!
YIKES!
The comment ALM wrote sounds hellish.. and I can't even imagine how women in households manage to balance something like that!
You are doing awesome things and are lucky enough to be a part of history. When your girls get a little older, they are going to think that you're a rock star.
Ok, and rather than hijack your comments further, I'm going to think about this for a while, and then start in on my hump day essay for next week. Thanks, as usual, for making me think!
Truly.
As of today, one boy is out of school. Next Wednesday, both boys will be home for the summer.
And I'm nervous. I don't know what the summer landscape is going to look like this year.
I do know one thing: when they are together too much, my boys, they FIGHT. Not physical fights, but screaming, crying, and whining.
Fun.
For the record, I think its great that you're starting to wean them off of you and give yourself more time. your kids are a bit younger than mine, and I remember well the outrage and power struggles when Mommy began to have a life again.
It is a fine line to walk - spending quality time with the kids each day, making summer vacation a fun time, and still having time to feed your needs.
My kids are 9 and almost 11 right now - they can make themselves a bowl of cereal or some peanut butter toast before I'm even up. Right now, they're vacumning their assigned parts of the house, and they packed their own clothes for our upcoming trip. Obviously that didn't happen overnight - it took YEARS to get here, but I had the plan all along to make them more self-sufficient.
I had a roommate in college who never had to do anything around her house as a kid; as an adult she couldn't wash her own clothes, cook a decent meal, or pay her bills on time. Her mother did her a disservice in pandering to her, and it was an object lesson to me, if not to her.
You're in the hardest part right now - they're just catching on to the idea that Mom might want to have a life, and of course they're going to buck that notion! I can't imagine that you would go from being a conscientous and involved mother to a Run Away Bird Maizie (Horton Hatches An Egg), no matter what the kids might tell you.
It does get better - I promise you. Hang in there honey!
Just so you know, I don't mind whatsoever that you haven't been by in a bit. That's the way of the world out here and I do not bring expectations to the table when it comes to my readership. We all do what we can, when we can, and we take people at face value when it comes to managing hectic lives.
Having said that, when you do make it by, you'll see that there has been some major mojo shit in my life recently. I just thought I'd give you a little heads up before you stumbled into it.
Sounds like you have big doings...go for it Julie, I am watching in awe.
oh, and you're an awesome mom even when you think you're not, and even if you tweet about it.
I'll just say uh huh. I get it.
Is what's best for me best for my daughter?
I can only speak from my experience. When I was thrust into single parenting by first terminal illness and then death of her father, I think I knew intimately what "unhappiness" was and it sure was an eye opener. Beat the hell out of any complaint I had before or since.
So when I found footing again, not "happiness" just level ground, I could see that yes, I "happier" me was best for my daughter because an "unhappy" me couldn't do shit for her or myself.
I think we forget sometimes that as parents our job is to raise them to be someone else's parent or mate or next door neighbor or best buddy. To do this - "unhappiness" will happen more often than not (with the "more often" increasing proportionally with their age).
I think that my being "unhappy" has more of a detrimental effect on her than my "happiness", so I will try to err on the latter.
Interesting topic.
i am NOT in the least saying that that is what is happening in your home, just echoing what you were saying about it being a balancing act. sometimes the mommy needs to suck it up for the kids, sometimes the kids have to suck it up for the mom (they do have to learn it is not all them all the time. this is an important life lesson!) and sometimes everyone has to suck it up and compromise. it's life.
I also want it all without sacrificing my family for that. Mostly, as for you, my family is more important but as you said, not always.
It's one of those balance things that always need adjusting.
But it so cool about what you are doing. Keep it up!
And don't feel bad about not stopping by. I'm in DIY hell and won't be doing much until I can find my kitchen again. :)
It is so important that mothers do not hang up their "pre-mother" identity and forget who they were.
And it is so important that our children can mine their childhoods and find those moments when we were goddesses.
It is also so important that every "I'm bored" is not met with *BETTER* *MORE EXCITING* *FUN TIMES* every time, because that sure ain't the whole of life - sometimes the washing up, the tidying, the connecting with other people needs to happen.
Are you coming to the DNCC? Can I be of assistance in Colorado? I know of some good Martini bars on Larimer. :)
Congrats.
love,
c--
Beautifully put.
You're more philosophical about it than I am today. Today I feel pretty pissed off they they want to suck me emotionally dry 24 hrs a day. I'm not being very empathetic to their jealous rage at my work. I am not a fan of summer vacation as it's been constant fighting and arguing for two weeks about their behavior and mine.
My fondest desire is to put the 2 year old in childcare 2 days a week when school starts so I am not pulled in two directions with competing needs and competing thoughts 24 hrs a day. He'd have more fun there and I'd be substantially less stressed out.