Friday, July 11, 2008

God bless Tori & Dean for their Home Sweet Hilarity

God bless Tori Spelling, largely for the times she oh-so-unknowingly entertained me.

Let's start back a bit here. The suckitude of this day knows no bounds. It sort of follows a week that steadily drove itself downhill, domino fashion. I started out with great intentions of all I'd accomplish this week only to watch said intentions go up in a flood of water. Just. don't. ask. Suffice it to say, we have to put a new ceiling in our living room. Uh uh! I said just. don't. ask.

So this morning, I went for a bike ride to take a box of vegetables to my friends' house. (Also best to not ask.) She made the mistake of asking me that simple question, "How are you?" I told her. Five minutes later I realized my voice had hit a level only dogs can hear and her kids are staring at me in horror. "Uh uh uh," I stammered, "I'm so, so sorry, um kids, I was just, you know, frustrated..." so the eight year old reached out in sympathy and said, "I know that feeling. It builds up inside you until you think you better just go outside and scream at the moon."

Word to the eight year old.

I rode home rapidly because my friend wisely decided I was in no shape or space to drive a car and thus offered to take my six year old with her crew to the final day of vacation bible school.

(Things you never expect in life: to be really, really sad when you say "last day of vacation bible school.")

So I needed to beat her to my house and get my six year old out the door, seeing as how my insane raving was making her push the clock to not be late. I made it with about five seconds to spare.

One child out, I turned to my husband and said, "Is the *&%^ plumber on his *&%$& way &*^*#@ yet?" Yes, my husband was home this morning. After being home yesterday afternoon. Again with the suggestion to just not ask.

He said yes, I asked another question, the answer to which caused me to re-enact the Elaine dance from Seinfeld in absolute frustration. Apparently my body contorts like an upright seizure when I am so furious I can't even speak.

My husband asked if I plan to finish my bike ride. The distance to and from my friend's house is about a half point for me and since I've been engaging in comfort eating for stress this week (right before big San Francisco trip) (to wit: one donut, one vanilla latte, the rest of my kid's ice cream cup, the rest of my other kid's ice cream cup, half a cookie, nachos, and oh my gosh I can't even continue I am so disgusted...not to mention I haven't included the incalculable number of calories from the steady liquid diet this week has demanded.)

"I can't," I whined, "I am so tired." See, the three year old is a big part of the OMFGWILLTHISWEEKEVERENDness of this week, including but not limited to her new bedtime of midnight and wake up call of 6 a.m. Add to that the antibiotics (just. don't. ask) are making me slightly nauseated and heartburn-y all day and night and you know, I think a little woozy although that could be the "I am so sick I actually hauled myself to a doctor" part.

I flopped in my desk chair and skimmed Twitter and e-mail.

"Oh," my husband said, loitering in the office doorway, "I just thought, you know, maybe you'd like to finish your ride."

I looked suspiciously at him because it sounded suspiciously like he thought I needed to "ride it out." I opened and closed my mouth about five times, while he braced himself. Then I thought the best of it and decide he was right.

"Okay," I said, "I'll go ride."

I swear he sagged in relief.

So the three year old and I headed out to the bike and we began my regular route. I was sailing along, catching bugs in my gritted teeth, riding into the headwind on the long road and riding downwind of the trash truck on the mercifully short road, and I thought, my God this day had better get &^$*&^$ funny &^$*&^$ fast! How in the world did it all get this out of control, I wondered, and I had this flash of Robert DeNiro floating in fire, a la Casino. I decided there was definitely going to be something funny to this day, no matter how many margaritas it took.

So after la la la la and yadda yadda yadda (you don't really want a recitation of kid activities, cleaning my house, errands, conversations with people, and so forth), my mother arrived to save my life and I turned to my favorite mindless activity: early happy hour with reality TV.

This is the part where the title starts to make sense.

What just happened to be on but Tori & Dean! I'd never watched this show but I got two whole episodes in a row and all it cost me was a couple of slices of angel food cake with yogurt and blueberries for the kids.

Okay these people are great. First, I loved how Tori gets all hoppy and shrill when excited, good or bad. Tori, God love you because somehow it made me feel like maybe I just looked ridiculous and maybe even a teensy bit cute and funny when I got fishwifey this morning. Seriously, I'd had this deranged Joan Crawford image in my mind, and your beach episode about the dream house now has you in that image instead. Much, much better.

Second, this dialog in the episode about planning her son's first birthday is pure comedic gold, a la Everybody Loves Raymond. It's just so relate-able.

Okay initially Tori and Dean decided to have a simple backyard barbecue with their closest friends and family for the birthday. But then Tori's friends came over (with a notebook of party ideas!) and the next thing you know, that small and simple backyard party has morphed into a three-ring circus in the Back Garden of a mansion. . .

(In home office, on telephone, computer open to site with bouncy castles. Dean is lurking in the doorway around the corner, eavesdropping.) Tori: Hi, Scoutie, it's T, call me when you get this message. I just booked the moon bounce and wanted to see if you found that chimp place...

(Dean bursts into the room) Dean: A FIFTY FOOT MOONBOUNCE?!?!

(startled) Tori: What!

Dean: A MOONBOUNCE and a CHIMP?!? Are you telling me you're renting a jumpy castle and a chimp?

Tori: Babe...

Dean: This sounds like it's just getting a little crazy!

Tori: Don't be mad but there's going to be a train...

Dean: A TRAIN?!?!

Tori: Yeah, a train. A traaaaiiiiinnnnn. (big smile)

Dean: How much is a train?

Tori: The train wasn't that bad. It's the astroturf we have to put down first...

Dean: WHAT?!?!?!

Tori: It's not that expensive, not that bad...

Dean:

Tori: Come on...

Dean:

(Cut over to Dean talking to the camera: I would hate to throw a $25,000 party...that's insane. Put it in a college fund!)

(cut back to conversation. Dean walks away.)

(Flash back to Tori after meeting with friends, talking to camera: I can't just do a little backyard party. We have to do this right! I owe it to my friends! [giggle])

Why, I cannot say, but that whole scene just cracked me up. I mean, throw my head back and kick my heels up and laugh out loud cracked me up.

Maybe it's because it was someone else's situation escalating out of control but with some sort of hopefully good end. I don't know. I didn't see the end of the episode. I may have been laughing too hard.

So here's the humor.

I will not be laughing too hard when I find ou thow much replacing my ceiling costs so I may as well laugh now.

But let's end this post and this week on a good note.

Either tell me your tale of woe (because seriously, misery loves company---really it helps me feel like this is just one of those things and not some sort of "God hates me and wishes me to live a miserable life" deal) or tell me something really funny (because who doesn't love comic relief?).

And have a great weekend.

(But LA people, sweet jehosephat, how much can that house they bought cost if it is beyond the budget of Aaron Spelling's daughter who hasn't done too shabbily on her own?!?!)

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27 comments:

Backpacking Dad said...

We bought a house and asked family to help remodel it so that it would be big enough for our tiny family.

We bought it in October 2006. As of today we are still living in our 2 bedroom apartment without a/c, and paying a mortgage on a house with no roof and no interior walls in the addition.

Also, we're not speaking to several family members and we're trying to sell it for way less than we paid for it (and without recouping the money we've put into it) because we can't wait out the market and we can't finish it or even make it liveable.

My daughter just bit my toe. But she gave me a hug earlier, so it all evens out.

OmegaMom said...

I have no great tale of woe, and nothing funny that springs to mind right now, but I want to tell you I am sending "plumber-fix-things-fast" and "contractor-fix-ceiling-fast" and "everything-be-cheap" vibes your way. And lots of "next-week-will-be-better" vibes, too.

Melissa said...

Wow. I am so sorry. That is some serious suckitude.

My Mom didn't show up until early in the day we got back from our vacation to take care of my house and cats. Thank goodness for fabulous neighbors. Is that good enough?

But you get to go to BlogHer next week and you can make an attempt at not thinking about all of the suckage going on in H-town.

Amy@UWM said...

Hmmm, not sure which is worse. Your tale or the one that backpacking dad just offered.

LOVE Tori and Dean...proud to say they're on my TiVo Season Pass list. Also bizarrely relate-able as a mom although way more over the top than Tori and Dean -- Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane.

flutter said...

Um, TOTALLY word to the 8 year old!!

alejna said...

Oh, the pressure to come up with something funny to say. I got nothing.

I can offer a bit of sympathy for the truly sucky chain of events you described. Oh, and commiseration over heartburn, 'cause I got that.

Kathryn said...

Ugh. I'm sorry you are having such a wicked time of it lately. Sounds exhausting.

Well, just the usual around here. My dad has Alzheimer's and is adjusting to the nursing home. My mom is fighting terminal cancer and adjusting to living alone. My mother-in-law (whom I adore) was just diagnosed with breast cancer and my father-in-law is showing signs of Alzheimer's. Crazy. My husband is considering a HUGE career change and we are RAPIDLY outgrowing our tiny house.
OTHER than that, life is good. :)

Kyla said...

I spent the night in the Atlanta airport. I did not make it to D.C. to give my speech. We are DRINKING next week. Oh yes. Yes we are.

anniegirl1138 said...

It's all relative.

There was once a time when I was having to diaper both my husband and child before bed and then change them again in the morning.

And that was just the beginning.

Life gets chaotic and painful. Even now that I am in a really wonderful place on so many levels. Fortunately most things pass. I hang on to that.

Enjoy SF!! You have earned it.

wheelsonthebus said...

So, first, thank you for explaining why "Tori & Dean" has appeared in skywriting over West LA several times lately.

Second, Tori has apparently recently purchased a home in our neighborhood (and J saw her at the grocery -- post on that next week or sometime). Anyway, apparently, her dad did not leave her any of the cash, so she just has her own private millions.

And, I can tell you that, given the tiny size of the house we got for the absurd sum we spent, a house that Tori SPelling would want to live in here is probably a sum I shouldn't even mention in a public forum (but email me if you want a guess).

Wayfarer Scientista said...

Oh, Julie, I've been gone entirely too long! But it's good to "see" you and catch up with you again. Off to my reading!

Julie Pippert said...

Wow, okay I'm an amateur...the farm leagues...

Big (hugs) all around guys. Thanks for the commiseration and may it all swing around and highlight the good and improved soon.

I gotta say: it's just a ceiling after all.

And you guys...thanks for the perspective. Now this is what friends do.

EdT. said...

Julie - while my week had nowhere near the suckage that yours did, sometimes the only thing that gets you through is the knowledge that the next week brings a trip to... pretty much *anyplace* else.

~EdT.

Blogversary said...

The couple times I caught Tori and Dean I have, suprisingly, enjoyed it.

Let me see...suckitude for me this week?

I went to the OB for my POST natal 6month follow up. The head nurse looked at my belly and said I was here for a prenatal appt.

Umm, yea. Way to make me feel fat.

annenahm said...

That eight year old is right. Hope things get better soon.

ewe are here said...

I hope your weekend went better than your week... perhaps snuck in a little venting at the moon...?

Cheers.

crazymumma said...

Mary Jo Eustace, ex to Dean, pulled my braids in grade four. She was mean.

Biggest disaster?

Dishwasher flooding into basement bathroom back when replacing ANYTHING required selling off albums.

Your ceiling? Oh hon. How lousy.

crazymumma said...

Mary Jo Eustace, ex to Dean, pulled my braids in grade four. She was mean.

Biggest disaster?

Dishwasher flooding into basement bathroom back when replacing ANYTHING required selling off albums.

Your ceiling? Oh hon. How lousy.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Hope your week gets better and I KNOW you will be enjoying yourself at the end of this one.

How's this? I am about to go on a weeklong trip with my husband and two kids...and one of these three I am not speaking to...wanna guess which one? Doesn't that make for a lovely time! :)

Lawyer Mama said...

Eek! Babe, fingers crossed that the ceiling isn't too much AND that the a/c guy's insurance is covering it.

I think Tori's dad left all his money to his wife & she cut Tori off or something....

Robert said...

Well, along the lines of "maybe it won't be so bad" vibes - we waited a year and a half to get our garage door fixed because we were sure it would be a fortune... then I was so miserable to find what it did cost, I called my wife and said "You'll be shocked when you hear how much it costs." She predicted $2000. "$100. And that's only if they have to replace stuff."

Stephanie said...

What started as a "the faucet is leaking" on Saturday is quickly becoming "after they tear out the tile, they will ..." by Monday. In the EXTRA bathroom, no less. Why can't we just not use that sink for a while?

You know how on the Cosby show they would never let Heathcliffe fix anything, because he always created a bigger problem than originally existed? I'm beginning to wonder if the same isn't true in my house.

Also, my infant won't let me put him down. Ever. And my toddler has just discovered the word, "no." Both of these things happened at the same time, AND at the same time as the sink.

Alas.

Jennifer H said...

Sorry to come late to the party o' suckitude.

Dude. I love watching Tori and Dean.

Robert said...

The Heathcliffe never fixed anything is in homage to Cosby's own "Dad's are brilliant" comedy bit. He explained in his "Chocolate Cake" bit how smart he was to make it so his wife would never ask him to do anything.

Kate said...

Hi - I haven't read this post yet (I'm at work so I'll have to wait until tonight) - but I did just read the one featured in today's Blog Nosh e-mail. It looks like this is totally unrelated - but I thought it would be best place to comment since the featured post was from May.

It's an excellent illustration of how women devalue themselves in the workplace. At my old office, a friend and I would always remark upon how the women were criticized for not being team players if they didn't drop everything "to pitch in" on a group project - yet the men only got half as many snide comments. When a woman would get a promotion or have the opportunity to go on a business trip to Paris - people would sing the "must be nice" song and imply that it wasn't deserved. But there wasn't much grumbling about a man's office perks. And most of the negative gossiping was coming from the WOMEN! What is wrong with us? Why do we perpetuate attitudes and behaviors that ultimately create such a disadvantage for us in the long run?

I'd have to say that I'm fairly passive when it comes to the soapbox feminist rants, and I'm far from a serious career woman - but the idea that a babysitter (which was once me) would feel uncomfortable stating her worth just shows where it all starts. I guarantee that if young boys did more babysitting, everyone would know the going rate and no one would be afraid to request a well deserved raise.

Aliki2006 said...

I'm a closet Tori & Dean lover, I really am. Scott thinks I've lost my mind but I can't help it.

Gale said...

Tale of woe....well my husband died almost 2 months ago and I am just now getting close to 'over' the shock of it. So? Having something is better than having nothing.