Monday, June 08, 2009

If Hamlet and Ophelia had gotten married, had kids, & moved to the suburbs...

SCENE I. Elsinore. A platform bed in the master bedroom.

MOM and DAD modestly under covers.

DAD

Who's there?

MOM

Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.

DAD

'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, child-o.

Exit Child 1

MOM

Well, good night.
If you do hear or see another one,
The rivals of my sleep, bid them make haste.

DAD

I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who's there?

Enter CHILD 1 and CHILD 2

CHILD 1

Tis us, fair father, Friends to this bed.

CHILD 2

And liegemen to our fair mother, bearer of us and our not so fair antics.

MOM

Give you good night. (to DAD:: And not in our bed, ho!)

DAD

What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

MOM

I have seen nothing. (to DAD:: Ignore those specters and they shall return from whence they came.)

DAD

Mom says 'tis but my fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of her
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated her along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That if again the apparitions come,
They may approve our eyes and speak to it.

MOM

Tush, tush, 'twill not appear.

DAD

Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!

MOM

It would be spoke to.

DAD

Question it, Mom.

MOM

What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
Together with that small and tantrumlike form
In which the majesty of buried restful nights
Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!

DAD

It is offended.

MOM

See, it stalks away! (to DAD: Our work here is done!)

14 comments:

Mad said...

Ha!

The children of Hamlet and Ophelia would be so messed up that I think their least worry would be appearing as ghosts to their parents. I mean can you imagine the therapy their kids would need: ineffectual father, loony mother, so many murders in the extended family...

Julie Pippert said...

In other words, Mad, sort of the typical dysfunctional family? ;)

Professor J said...

"It would be spoke to." Genius.

Bon said...

i loved this. and i have to agree, many could do worse than Hamlet & Ophelia for parents. at least those two would give lots of thought to stuff...

melscolorfulmetaphors said...

To sleep, perchance to dream.
No, that is not the fate of those
Who are gifted with the presence of small folk.

de said...

Too funny, Julie.

Last night was hot, so I had the fan on and could not hear Lorenzo coming out of his room and into mine (and possibly even knocking, as he has started to do). He was also having a restless night and I awakened with him staring me in the face about half a dozen times. Definitely as startling as ghosts.

mayberry said...

Love this, Julie. Brava!

EdT. said...

"...that small and tantrumlike form..."

Way too funny!

~EdT.

Magpie said...

Nicely done, J.

They never stop creeping in, do they?

Kyla said...

Well done!

Jozet at Halushki said...

LOVE IT! MWWWAHHH!

ChurchPunkMom said...

Brilliant!

Patois said...

Well done! Bravo!

Leslie said...

I just blog-hopped over here from Mayberry Mom to find this piece of genius. Makes me want to watch Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.