Friday, January 19, 2007

MILF check, and seriously, you've NO IDEA how far 4 lbs of sugar will go






So...only down a little over a pound this week. I accept it. It's the Weight Watcher's target loss per week. I'm still progressing. More importantly, I'm down at least two sizes and am now comfortable rather than slightly tight in the smaller size. My wardrobe just doubled.

While we're on the subject of pounds, let's talk about exactly how far four pounds of sugar can stretch.

In point of fact, it can stretch throughout the breakfast nook and kitchen and all the way to the living room rug.

Yes, how coincidental...just the very week when I am yapping on and on about my creative kids, they out-creative me!

It's not really a coincidence. I am discussing all of this because they are having an extra creative week. I am trying really hard not to press "post!" on the eBay ad: Two kids, cheap, all accessories included.

Flash back...

Yesterday, I sat them down for a snack---the strawberries, if you must know, from the ill-fated jam-making attempt.

The phone rang. Gads, I hate when the phone rings. It means someone needs to talk to me. This is hard because this means, usually, that I want/need to talk to them...which requires focus, brain power and attention, but most importantly, it means my attention is diverted from the children.

In this case, we have one of two games that the children can be counted on to commence:

1. The "oh no freaking way you don't, you don't go put your attention elsewhere Mom...I bet in less than THREE MOVES I can have your attention right back here, on me, just like it ought to be" game

OR

2. The "heh heh heh...she's not watching, what a great time to go do...(insert forbidden/naughty/science experiment/joke/curiosity activity here)" game

The trouble with games is...I am a terrible loser.

Yes, as a child, I learned to despise board games because I frequently lost (apparently having an utter lack of strategic skills coupled with abysmal attention span is a serious detriment to ability to win at board games) but worse than being a loser, I am a very sore loser.

Parenting is like chess, another game I am very bad at (see above confession about lack of attention and strategic skills). You have to keep planning your moves all while anticipating your opponent's (err, I mean kid's) moves. It's so easy, in chess, to have anticipated wrongly, and just when you think you've got it, your opponent cries, "Checkmate!" and you are stunned to see your king is trapped.

As in chess, once you get one move behind in parenting, your eminent loss is imminent.

I answered that phone call. I had to dart out of the kitchen to the office to check some information and to find a slightly quieter spot, because it happened to be a business call.

I thought, they're eating, that'll keep them occupied for a few minutes while I handle this call...

FLAG ON THE PLAY, RED FLAG! Queen is in danger!

Camera A, on Mom, in office: Mom is rifling through papers, looking for most recent print quote, shuffling emails, checking calendar, opening file...talking on phone

Camera B, on kids in kitchen, opening pan of Patience and Persistence, sitting nicely at small table, eating luscious red strawberries...zoom in on strawberries with ominous, foreboding music (use newly composed tune "Curse of the Strawberries)

Patience (begin sweetie-pie tone, slowly escalate to sharp bark): Persie, hey Persie, PERSISTENCE

(Persistence looks up)

Patience: You know what would make these strawberries taste, really, really even gooder?

Persistence: Stahwbewwies yum (pause) MINE! Mine stahwbewwies!

Patience (ignoring): SUGAR! That's what would make these strawberries even gooder than YUM!

Persistence: Sugar!

Patience: Do you know where there is some sugar, Persie?

Persistence: A-fwidge-a-wator.

Patience: Ohhhh, in the refrigerator...where Persie? Will you show me?

Persistence: Ohhhhhh...yes! SUGAR!

(Flash to Camera A, show clock, one minute has elapsed, zoom in on mom looking anxiously at clock and talking somewhat frantically on phone, trying to hang up)

(Flash back to Camera B, kids are walking to the refrigerator, open a drawer, pull out large bag of sugar...stumble a little under the weight of the bag, older one grasps it, gets a good hold on it...kids laugh...return to table)

Patience: We pour out a little sugar, and dip the strawberries!

Persistence: Stahwbewwies and sugah YUM!

Patience removes the clip sealing the sugar, and turns to pour. A huge amount dumps out, covering the table top.

Persistence: UH OH!

Patience: It's okay, Persie, we'll eat it ALL!

Girls commence dipping and eating. Persistence eyeballs bag of sugar...reaches out, tries to pick it up but it slips...zoom in slow motion on falling bag, catch resplendent splatter on floor with sugar crystals exploding across room...

Flash to camera A...show mom, talking, smiling, looking at file on computer...show clock, two minutes elapsed

Flash back to camera B.

Show girls sliding, rolling, frolicking in sugar, licking it off the floor with their tongues.

Flash to camera A, mom is hanging up phone...follow mom walking back to kitchen.

Quick flash to camera B to capture mom's reaction when she sees the sugar all over the kitchen, zoom in on look of

Shock

Horror

Anger

Resignation

End scene showing mom cleaning up kitchen.


There I am, one move behind.

Seriously, do you think I am utterly lacking in common sense and parenting skill? Am I a slow-learner? Does one need to supervise one’s children constantly…are my expectations that I can turn my back for a couple of minutes completely unreasonable considering their ages (5 and 2)? How do other moms do it? You ever leave the room, turn around, engage in another task? Do your kids do something *this creative* pretty much any time that you do?

What do you do? Let all the other tasks slide? Or invest in strait-jackets and restraint chairs for the moment when you need to do things such as run the trash out to the bin.

While I cleaned the kitchen, Patience decided it was time for Persistence to go to the potty.

"Mama, I think Persie needs to go potty," she announced to me, as I pulled the kid's table out of the way in order to vacuum up at least two pounds of sugar collected beneath it.

"Pers, you need to go potty?" I asked. She slid her eyes to her sister and then nodded. "Okay, let me turn this off..." I said, reaching for the vacuum switch.

"It's okay Mama," Patience said, "I can take her!"

Well...there was all this sugar, it was spreading farther and wider, I wasn't sure how much longer I could fend off the animals...and she has helped Persistence with potty time before...so I said okay.

And, therein, my friends, made my king vulnerable.

I did finish cleaning up the bathroom somewhere around ten o'clock. You'd never guess how hard it is to scrub dried poop off a partially-stripped wall and wooden stepping stool.

Checkmate!

copyright 2007 Julie Pippert

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13 comments:

IzzyMom said...

...licking it off the floor with their tongues.

That one line had me in stitches :)

And congrats on losing TWENTY FOUR POUNDS!!!

Julie Pippert said...

Thanks Izzy. I need to do a side-by-side photo of myself so I can understand how much it really is I think. I know I'm over the hump but wow, it feels like a lot gone and a lot to go sometimes.

Yeah, my kids, always good for stitches (pun intended LOL).

Paige said...

24 pounds rocks! Good for you!

Paige said...

24 pounds rocks! Good for you!

Domestic Slackstress said...

Petrified poop is as hairy to clean up as meconium off a newborn's tender bum. Evil. Sheer evil.

Mad Hatter said...

What is the saying? You can catch more flies with sugar than with dried poop? Bollocks!!

BTW, I answered your questions over my way.

Gwen said...

Eek! I have so been there done that. But I have to ask: why do you keep your sugar in the frig?

Just curious.

And good on you for the continued weight loss! My favorite consequence of losing weight is the new wardrobe! New clothes! Whee! (even if they do mostly come from Target .....)

Mary-LUE said...

1. Your writing gave me the perfect visuals of this. It seems like I really got to watch it! Good job!

2. Ugh, sugar mess to potty mess? Not the best day.

3. This story reminded me of my daughter who could not be left alone for any length of time without finding liquid of some sort to pour into something, over something, whatever. Very infuriating. Which leads to...

4. ... obviously I didn't do the magic correction from a parenting book [ref. my last post! ;)] But, I prefer to consider it her hard-wired personality trait and not a lack of parenting skill. I just glean what I can from self-help books and ignore the rest. It makes life much easier!

5. Congrats on the weight loss. I joined WW online a couple of weeks ago and so far, so good. Hearing good reports about others encourages me. I know what diligence it takes and 24 pounds is excellent!

4. T

Girl con Queso said...

My favorite part of the movie: Girls sliding, rolling, frolicking in sugar, licking it off the floor with their tongues.

As part of the audience that is. Playing the part of you, um, I doubt that would have been my favorite scene.

Although, I'm guessing cleaning up sugar was better than cleaning up poop?

Julie Pippert said...

Thanks Paige!

DS...holy cow...you are not kidding.

Mad, bollocks indeed. I'll go check out your answers! Thanks!

Gwen, in the sub-tropics, you store *everything* in the refrigerator. Bread, flour, sugar...you name it. It's so hot and humid here that things spoil really quickly, plus the bug issue... Anyway, just better off to store in the fridge. We go through crackers and cereal pretty quickly so those stay in the pantry, but in sealed jars (not the boxes). I could go on and on but you probably get the idea.

And FTR, these are my old clothes I err grew out of LOL. But I did take a wee bit of Christmas cash and get some fun new shirts and pants.

Mary-Lue, thanks for the #1 compliment. I'm glad. I was trying...oh if you could see it. My mother---after reading this---said she hardly even needed to try to picture it...her recent visit is still very fresh in her mind. LOL

In all sincerity, I have decided I prefer the sugar mess to the powder mess (clings worse), and will never prefer cleaning up poop. But at least the poop is stationary and doesn't spread as easily.

I agree..it's who they are. There is ALWAYS a logical explanation for it. It's science experiments or good intentions or something that just plain goes awry.

I have thrown out the parenting books for making me feel like I *should* be able to do something but *can't.* LOL

GL on WW, Mary-Lue...I can't recall if you are on the MILF team. It's nice to have that support too. Join up if you aren't on it and would like it.

GCQ, you know, half of me feels very tired and irritated and the other half of me is LMAO. I tend to start out with a really stupid question like, "Is this a JOKE? Are you two KIDDING me?"

I hate poop messes.

Although, wet cat food is even grosser.

Lotta said...

24 is amazing!!!

jen said...

ah, sister....i have no idea how anyone handles more than one kid, so my hat's off to you, every day.

sillychick said...

24 pounds?!? you are my new hero!!! You are an inspiration!