Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Gardasil edges out Viagra in intimacy enhancement market

In an unprecedented move, Gardasil has edged out Viagra in the intimacy enhancement market.

"We're stymied," said Edgar Appleton, market analyst, "We can't explain this phenomenon at all. Viagra has long been king of sex pills."

Surveys of the public found that Viagra was the best known drug in any category and received the most free press via jokes and references in television, radio, and movies. 100% of those surveyed were able to describe the pill (shape and color) although only .0005% admitted to taking it.

Viagra grew to be the touchstone of impotence medications in 1999. Despite not reaching its full anticipated sales performance potential, it remained the market leader ahead of competitors such as Cialis and Levitra.

"We're shocked," said an unnamed Pfizer spokesperson, "Sure, Viagra has competition, things that potentially drive down sales such as drugs that shall remain nameless, email spam campaigns, wives with headaches, heart disease, doctors worrying about malpractice...but a vaccine? We never saw that coming."

Sales figures released in February revealed a dramatic drop in all intimacy enhancements. Even corner drug dealers reported (anonymously) a drop in ecstasy and ecstasy-like drugs.

"Blow and joe, no problem, but we got a situation with the whole X family. Nobody's buying," said "Little T-man," Salesman of the Year for a foreign cartel, based out of Miami.

Despite falling sales for all drugs in this market, Viagra has been hardest hit.

In March, market analysts reported that the new leader of intimacy enhancers is Gardasil, previously known solely as a vaccine intended to prevent four strains of human papillomavirus (HPV), which have been linked to cervical, anal, and oral cancer.

Dr. Michael Hartman, an urologist at Massachusetts General Hospital, explained how Gardasil became known for intimcy enhancement, "Frequently we find that drugs have multiple purposes, additional benefits. In this case, alert Republicans and Conservative Christians put us on to the secondary benefits of the HPV vaccine: it prompts people to have passionate, unrestrained sex. Like monkeys. It's amazing."

"I prefer Gardasil because it solves the sexual dysfunction problem my patients complain about, and also protects against a sexually transmitted disease. Two birds with one stone. You can't get any better than that," said Dr. Hartman, explaining why he prefers Gardasil to other options.

Merck executives expressed their shock and pleasure at the success of Gardasil, "We knew lining the pockets of Republican politicians would benefit our HPV vaccine campaign but they went above and beyond the call of duty tooting the horn of Gardasil as an intimacy enhancer."

Outspoken conservative right speaker Nan Bolter said, "Gardasil is a SEX vaccine! For SEX! Anyone who takes it is promoting wild, crazy sex! Unmarried sex!" Her statement was well-received, with long applause and loud catcalls.

Texas Council to Conserve and Preserve Traditional Family* (*by which we mean white suburban nuclear protestants) (TCCPTFw*) issued a similar statement.

Virgil Linn, spokesman for TCCPTFw* said, "The medical advancement Gardasil offers for preventing HPV is important, but it's more important to note that it is geared towards a sexually transmitted disease and can prompt recipients of the vaccine to have more sex."

Merck will be celebrating the unexpected and unprecedented success of Gardasil with a party estimated to cost more than $2 million. Their future plans include placing members of their board of directors on the political ballot in twelve states.

"It's much cheaper to run a campaign and put our people in office than to continue 'donating' to other elected officials," said a Merck executive, "Watch your TV for revised Gardasil ads that include background music by Chris Isaac," he added.

He would not confirm nor deny that Merck had approached Bob Dole and Carmen Electra to be co-spokespersons for Gardasil in the new advertising campaign.

copyright 2007 Julie Pippert

11 comments:

Julie Pippert said...

I'm sure this isn't necessary, but...I just want to make sure: this is a joke. Just kidding. Totally. :)

Mary-LUE said...

A very well written one!

Peg said...

LMAO I enjoyed the heck out of it!

BTW...I awarded you the "Thinking Blogger Award"...since I came across your blog after the Today show/Hooking up segment, I've been reading you daily...you really make me think!

Thanks,
Peg

Mad Hatter said...

No, Julie, the heads-up (as it were) wasn't needed. The lost hard-on dramatic arc of the the first section would've tipped me off if the quotations hadn't already. Funny. Very funny indeed.

jen said...

dude, i so knew it was a joke, because you are a very funny woman.

well done.

kaliroz said...

Nicely written, love.

But think of all those people who think it ISN'T a joke? That's the scary thing.

kim said...

This was awesome. I tried to comment on your post yesterday, but could not find the words to express the very issue you addressed so well in this funny post.

"The medical advancement Gardasil offers for preventing HPV is important, but it's more important to note that it is geared towards a sexually transmitted disease and can prompt recipients of the vaccine to have more sex."

Linking sexual behavior to the HPV vaccine is not only absurd, as you so creatively illustrated, but misleading in regards to HPV and irrelevant to the discussion of the HPV vaccine.

HPV can be contracted from any type of genital contact, not just sexual intercourse or oral sex . It is important to note because the HPV vaccine should not be dismissed as a sexual morality issue.

The HPV vaccine should be evaluated by the merits of the actual vaccine in order to determine the need.

For me, after an overwhelming amount of research (largely provided or directed to by you)I found the evidence is not compelling enough for me to support or to outright reject the vaccine. Too much is unknown. The long term effects of the vaccine are completely unknown. What are the effects for young developing girls five, ten, fifteen years from now? When it comes to my child's well being guess work is not good enough.

With information so vague, research so minimal, and in spite of recommendations against from organizations like the CDC it is both irresponsible and morally suspect for governments to make immunizations mandatory.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Girl,
Your jokes are better written than many people's STONE serious posts! You are too much!

I loved it!

Anything that Carmen Electra and Bob Dole are touting....I AM BUYING!

"Queen of the Mayhem loves her some Bob!"
(Really pathetic Dole imitation)

Kyla said...

*lol* At first I was like "Huh? Really?" and then I got to this line:
"it prompts people to have passionate, unrestrained sex. Like monkeys. It's amazing." and I caught on. You are HILARIOUS!

Bones said...

AAAH! why didn't you tell me it was a joke sooner! I'll have to cancel the prescription I talked my doctor into writing for me.

Oh, and I'm back from my eternal road trip. Florida, Alabama, Florida, L.A. Baltimore, Las Vegas, Portland and Chicago. Whew.

Julie Pippert said...

Mary-Lue, thanks!

Peg, thank and THANKS!

Mad Hatter, thanks!

Jen, I so use dude too. In conversation, no less. And thanks!

Roz, at first I had this big rant and then thought, eh, not the right approach. I can't tell you where this little bit sprang into my mind but let me tell you it was an odd place to yell, "That's it!" and LMAO.

Kim, you completely need to C&P your excellent comment and post it on your blog. Plus, as you know, or maybe not, I reached the same conclusions.

Queen, thanks! LOL about Carmen and Bob, but esp. Bob!

Kyla, thanks! I'm glad it was good enough to have you on for a second and then give you a laugh.

Bones, sorry for the big build up and then the unsatisfied letdown. Hope your doctor is understanding. BTW, did you read down one more entry? I named names, that is, your name. Welcome back---at least those are cool town even if one smelled like ass.