Marc Rudov's article, "Is Your Son Safe at College?" is a laughably paranoid and disturbingly bitter account of the precautions and fear young men at universities---which he calls gynoversities due to their "inherent bias towards women and against men" evident through their "big rape shield"---ought to employ to protect themselves against women, who are described by Rudov as so sexually predatory and insecure that any woman at any time might cry rape merely to extricate herself from an uncomfortable or inconvenient sexual encounter.
Rudov is clearly a proponent of the war of the sexes, especially when he proclaims gems such as:
Unless you've been hiding under a rock for the past 13 months, and didn't hear about the fraudulent rape case at Duke University, you should be painfully aware of the danger your son faces. Because our society doesn't value males, your son's university will not protect him if he should, unfortunately, become the object of a female's ire. In fact, his school will kick him under the bus. You should worry about that.
I admit it: I was startlingly unaware that our society did not value men.
It has long been my experience that our society often values men, and in fact, sometimes prefers men over women. But then, I'm just speaking as a woman. One who, by the way, both likes and values a number of men, most of whom I call friend and/or family.
Rudov also asserts that women (aka girls) are answerable to a judgmental and censorious society---of which they are so afraid that they will not hesitate to throw an innocent man, aka boy, "under the bus" via lies.
Men are at risk from predatory co-eds, misandric society, and gynoversities, claims Rudov:
Here's what probably will happen when a co-ed accuses your son of rape. First, he will be presumed guilty and arrested. Second, the university will automatically suspend him from school, pending an investigation of indeterminate length. Third, if he is an athlete, his name and face will grace every TV, computer, and video-enabled cellphone in the world -- it can happen in the blink of an eye. Meanwhile, the school will protect the accuser with a big rape shield.
And to think once upon a time men only had to concern themselves with women getting "pregnant on purpose." Now it's the law with a shotgun, not just an angry father. And apparently, the even scarier weapon is the cell phone camera and---dare I say?---blogs.
Rudov frustrates me with his assertions because they are so divisive and dismissive of very real issues---not just rape and date rape (which deserve their own post) but also distrust between the sexes, overgeneralization about each sex, and secondary harm from that. He is perpetuating the problem rather than being a part of the solution.
Taking a step back, to be honest, which of us women hasn't been in---at the least---an uncomfortable situation with a man who won't take no for an answer, who believes he is owed something sexual due to whatever it is he thinks he provided? I was nearly date raped, suffered such extreme sexual harassment that it became a legal issue, and witnessed (and phoned police about) a gang rape at a fraternity house. And yet...I don't make blanket statements in the negative about men, such as "all men are out for only one thing and will take it regardless of your daughter's answer."
This is because I lay blame soley at the doorstep of Chris. Bob. And those completely horrid frat boys in that house on that night. Chris was old enough to know better. Bob was both old enough and smart enough to know better. Those frat boys belonged in a dank cell on some remote island.
Those men are the worst examples of their sex, and I don't consider them exemplary of their sex (as such). I wouldn't want my worst moment used against my sex, either.
So I ask each of you this question, "Why build sexual---and relationship---mistrust?"
What good does it do to teach the sexes to distrust one another?
And yet...Rudov fans the flames of misogyny and mistrust, stoking them with fear and fear of misandry.
In my opinion, the more we dislike the oppostite sex in theory through this distrust, the less human they are, and the more easily we can harm one another.
I plan to teach my girls to have healthy relationships---including sexual---through good self-esteem, solid knowledge of self boundaries, mutual desire not a desire to please others, and comfort with their own emotions and body. Not through fear, not through bias or prejudice, "boys only want one thing."
The irony is that Rudov's tip list of "how to be safe" actually contains some good advice:
* Never have unprotected sex
* Never have sex with a girl whom you don't trust implicitly
* Never have sex with a girl who is under the influence of alcohol or drugs
* Never have sex with a girl if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
As does his conclusion, "In these matters, an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure."
However, in this case, I believe the means of how you arrive at these points is every bit as important as the end points themselves.
Let's promote arriving at this in a healthy way, not an angry, bitter, paranoid way.
copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
Comments
In my experience, all the boys in college who were accused of inappropriate sexual behavior were the ones I could easily imagine being guilty of it, not because they were male but because of something specific about them that was "off." I also remember one time a very skinny male friend jumped on top of me, not in a sexual way, and I could not move; extrapolating that to a sinister situation scared the fuck out of me.
Men matter plenty, which may explain why so many products are sold by mostly naked, impossibly hot women. We have such strange ideas about sex; we're intensely puritanical on the one hand and yet inundated with sexuality on the other. It sets up strange, unequal relationships between men and women that are confusing for both parties.
It is time to start teaching differently and change our thinking in the broader sense.
However, I'll say this much: I think men need to participate in changing that perception. And a lot of that will come from their chosen behaviors when it comes to women.
Peace,
~Chani
You are totally right--his list of warnings are actually very good points. Just not for the reason he stated. Both men and women should follow that advice for their spiritual and sexual health, NOT for fear that some girl will accuses you of rape. Grrrrrrr!
First – Date rape occurs far too much. In the whole universe of date rapes, there are clear cases where the guy won’t take no or stop for an answer. There are cases where ryhipnol prevents the woman from saying no or stop. There are also cases where a woman, dressed provocatively leads a man to believe one thing, and then changes course. I’m not, by any stretch, condoning the man for not accepting no for an answer in such a case. But the girl is being a dumb-ass and is asking for trouble, in the same way I don’t condone a mugger, but the white guy walking in the ghetto at 4 am is asking for trouble, too. I realize I’m opening myself up to some serious man-bashing, and I don’t deny that a woman has a right to change her course at any time, up to and including after intercourse has started. At any point, no means no. And any guy that doesn’t listen is unequivocally a rapist, and should be treated as such by the justice department. But the woman who is, as Chanai said, a jerk magnet (I think most jerk-magnets know that they are, don’t they?) and who sends one message to said jerk all night, then changes her tune at the last minute is inviting danger on herself. It doesn’t make it right – I’m just being realistic here.
So the woman has the right to say no up to and including during intercourse. But she does NOT have the right to say no after. She can regret it, yes, and never call the guy back and all the rest. But she can’t decide afterwards that she was a victim if she’s only suffering from regret. You can’t un-make a bad choice by sending the smooth-talking boy bad boy with the pretty eyes and the tattoo to jail. And it happens, according to one teacher I know, somewhere around 10% of all total reported rapes. Many women dismiss it as a “gray area.” And a sympathetic judge might agree. But throwing a guy’s life away because a woman regrets a decision is appalling and wrong.
And now we get to Duke.
I don’t know the woman’s motives. It may have been dollar signs, it may have been regret, and it may have been a variety of things. I wasn’t in the room (thank god) and I wasn’t paid to provide an adult performance in a private setting. But, the preponderance of the evidence says that the woman retroactively made up allegations of sexual assault. And out of fear to protect its reputation, Duke University crucified a handful of its own boys and tossed them to a hungry D.A. who wanted nothing more than a conviction.
Rest assured, we still live in a misogynistic society dominated by white males. Men are, on average, stronger and faster and richer and hold more seats in the institutions that make up the rules. And there will always be a percentage of men that take advantage of that, be it in the business world, the bar-room or the bedroom.
Bones, I am not going to male-bash but I will answer your question here after one statement of context.
I am a jerk-magnet but let me make it clear that I (and most women, I believe) do not send mixed messages.
There comes a point where it is appropriate for men to grow up about sex. It's not a game. It's not just a friendly way to say goodnight. It is an intimate act within the context of an intimate relationship.
At least these are my beliefs as a social conservative. I am a very modest person. That aside, I don't care if a woman walks around stark naked. A man has no right to impose or attempt to impose his will on her.
When I say I am a jerk-magnet, I mean that for whatever reason, men seem to try, even when it is not appropriate ~ by my standards. I can't speak for anyone else's.
I hope the men I've met are just jerks! The argument that "every man is going to try" is unacceptable. Just. Unacceptable.
Intimacy is not a right. It is a gift. The giver chooses when to offer that gift.
And no man has the right to "try".. just for the heck of it. If he does, in my opinion he's a jerk.
As a woman, I'm sick and tired of having to fend off advances of any type. Women are not just convenient vessels for men's perceived physical needs. We're real live human beings. If we're interested, we'll let him know.
My advice to men is to show some respect.. not only for women but for themselves.
Peace,
~Chani
I believe I tried to separate “jerk magnet” from “jerk magnet that sends signals,” and in no way was I suggesting that you were that type of person. And I don’t go to the 21-30 dance clubs anymore, but I clearly going to the half a dozen years ago, and I clearly remember it was not the boys in the club that produced the sexually charged atmosphere. A club full of guys was pretty boring. If a scantily-clad guy gets up on a table and dances seductively, he is probably going to get arrested. If a woman does, she is going to get the attention of the entire club. And it happens in every club, every night, dozens of times.
It’s not only males who need to have a more mature view of sexuality. Its 18-30 year olds at the club scene. No man has a right to “try” to have sex with a woman in a neutral atmosphere. But in the club scene, it’s a very mutual game that both genders play, and anyone who chalks it up to either of the two genders is blind to the whole picture.
Now, on to jerk-magnets. I’m no psychologist, but my dime-store understanding of human psychology is that women who have trauma in their lives often (although not always) grow up to replicate that trauma. Find a woman who has continuously selects lousy boyfriends, ask her about her father, and more often than not you will hear about some trauma. It happens in the formative years, when the brain is still making the synapses that will be replicated for the rest of her life. Unfortunately, the synapse that forms during the emotional, physical, sexual, or whatever type of abuse she experienced as a girl gets replicated as an adult. Boys who are abused as kids are likely to grow up as child abusers. Girls who were abused as kids are likely to grow up and find guys who are similar to the men that abused them in their childhood. At least its how the theory goes, and unfortunately, the statistics tend to support it.
So the jerk-magnet woman who sends out sexual messages, dresses seductively, drinks heavily at a club or party, dances on the furniture, etc. She is sending messages that will inevitably be received by a jerk who has fine-tuned “vulnerable girl” radar, and he will meet her message that she’s been sending out. It’s not every (or any) guy. It is specific guys who troll for said girl. In both cases, the participants are demonstrating learned behaviors that don’t necessarily demonstrate immaturity – just replicating what they learned as children. For the woman, sending sexual messages gets attention that she was unable to get from males any other way. For the man, responding to women who crave attention gets them attention right back.
So where does that leave us? It’s not simply about boys growing up. It’s about parents being better parents, and providing the atmosphere that Julie originally suggested her children will grow up in. It’s about not exposing them to sex of any kind while their young brains are still forming, and it’s about having honest and open dialogue about risks, appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior. And then, when the kid is grown up, it’s about him or her recognizing repeating situations and making conscious changes in their social construct to change them. The sexually-charged jerk magnet should stop wearing low-cut tank tops and dancing on the bar, and she won’t attract as many jerks. They will still be there, but the guys who troll for women sending signals will not invest any time in them, because their chances of closing the deal are slim.
I really don’t think we disagree, when it gets right down to it.
Oh, and I apologize for misspelling your name. For whatever reason, that’s just how I have been pronouncing it in my head all along. Is it pronounced like Shan eye (as I thought) or Shane E, or Chaney, like the VP’s name?
--Bones.
Oh, and Julie.. I LOVED LOVED LOVED the comic. I've got a Bill Gates Autographed book with your name on it!
As for your more mature, thoughtful answer...absolutely.
Using sex to sell has perpetuated a concept no woman (or man who cares for women) cares to have so prevalent, one that can be very harmful. Men who have no positive model or growth in interaction with real women can too easily form incorrect assumptions and conclusions based on what he sees in the media.
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SM and Kyla, thanks.
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Chani, I agree that there needs to be a growth and maturation in this culture about sex. We do need to start teaching differently and thinkign about this differently. It's one reason I don't teach my girls that kindness means pleasing, or subverting yourself to keep another happy.
From a TOTALLY different angle, Andrea just wrote a great post about Nobly Suffering.
That's what I'm talking about.
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Christine, yes, you nailed it. That's my point. And I admit---having had ample experience with men (and don't get gutter-minded on me, anyone; I simply mean I've met and known a lot of men, we all have) I worry about some of the men my girls will meet and have to deal with...and I wonder, what happened, where are their parens.
I remember meeting the mothers of those gang rape boys and could not help myself, I asked, "What happened? How did you not teach your boy to respect women?" I thought, maybe these guys were raised by wolves. To meet these women, their mothers, and see they had mothers, intelligent ones, regular women, was a new level of appalling for me.
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Bones, I think there is a gray area men don't understand completely. Just as I can't quite grasp what it means to be a man, I think men sometimes don't understand what it fully means to be a woman. This isn't an empathis failure, not saying that. Just saying...it can be tough.
Men, esepcially men women care about, can exert pressure and influence and a woman can submit to that, despite possible internal misgivings. I know how complicated that can be when you care...I can't imagine how it would be if you are with strangers.
I can only imagine the presssure that girl might have been under. I can only imagine how maybe, just possibly, she didn't really want to but felt she had no choice but to comply. And maybe later she emotionally felt raped. And maybe she got so angry...she decided to do something. But of course, legally, if she complied, it isn't actually rape and better action might have been to discuss pressure and so forth. This is all WAGing, but TBH, fits a few scenarios I know.
Oh RATS...out of time. I have more to say and will be back later. Sorry to cut off.
We've spent a lot of time talking about women and women's thoughts, behavior, etc.
I'm curious...what about men?
Rudov lays it at women's doorstep, we've discussed signals women send, ways women get into danger, boundaries men need to respect set by women?
But what about the POV, thoughts, psychology, responsibility, growth, childhood, maturation, etc. of men?
Okay REALLY going now. Ten minutes, I am so going to be late LOL.
I'm not worried about my daughter because the males in her life are completely devoted, so her standards and expectations are high.
But, I think we forget to teach our sons how to relate to women. My husband says that in our particular family dynamic-Southern Matriarchal-that our boys learn it every day.
And yet, these words came out of my oldest son's mouth when referring to a girl he liked "I'm going to get her". He said it like she was just another acquisition, like an Ipod. So we had a nice little talk.
So all this to say that it is a constant battle to combat societal influences on your child.
Thanks for your reply.
It is pronounced Chah-nee, no emphasis on either syllable. Think Asian. :)It is a diminutive for Chanakarn.
As for your comments, I agree with most of what you say. Since I have no understanding of what takes place in clubs, I can't make a comment about it.
In light of what I do understand, perhaps the best place to start is for people to teach their sons to recognize that kind of behavior and explain what it means. That way, they won't get caught up in some other person's weird agenda.
On a larger scale, I think there's waaaaay too much emphasis on sex everywhere. And far too much objectification of human beings.
Seriously, you know.. you get to my age, sex is simply not that big of a deal. (It never was particularly to me.. but that's just an individual thing.)
Men who behave like predators, as though it's not worth knowing a woman unless he's going to get laid ~ that's an issue that's got to be addressed, too. A lot of the hostility that's out there between men and women is brought about by this kind of objectification. Women look to men for security and men look to women for sex. Why not look to each other for friendship and companionship?
So... you're right. We all need to grow up about this kind of thing.
~Chani
This is an important point, too. Personally, I believe that men need to get it that women, even if walking around naked, are not sex objects.
A woman who would do something like that is obviously in real psychological pain. Maybe empathy is in order instead of exploitation.
Peace,
~Chani
Bones - It's hard for me to be objective about this issue, because I had a near date rape situation happen in college and I was a rape crisis counselor for many years. And even the implication that I (or many of the hundreds of women and men I've counseled) had anything to do with what happened makes me see red. Even now, 16 years later. I was overpowered, plain and simple. There was no "grey" area, there was no changing of minds, there were no overt signals unless the guy was completely messed up. And that's how it is for many women.
10% of reported rapes may be false accusations, or regrets after the fact, but it doesn't make the sexual assaults that *do* happen any less of a problem. And it is a very large and largely unreported problem. Particularly in the grey areas you mentioned.
What makes me very sad about situations like Duke is that some women will see that and not report a rape because they fear not being believed or the huge backlash. I'm not saying that false rape accusations aren't a big deal. They are. But the far larger number of unreported sexual assaults are an even bigger deal.
Julie - Wonderful thought provoking post and what a great discussion!
So truth is...as a woman, I've seen and heard too many cases of men overpowering women with sexual demands. It might be rape because she said no, or it might close-enough-to-rape because he bulldozed or manipulated or she felt obliged and didn't protest out loud.
It all boils down to a base problem of over-objectification, misunderstanding and misreading of signals and lack of respect.
Rationalizing.
Women have a sex drive, but are NOT sexual creatures, sexual objects---despite all too often in way too many ways being made to feel as such or portrayed as such.
I spent plenty of time in dance clubs, dancing. It wasn't seductive. It was me, having a good time, for myself. If a man read it as flirtatious or seductive and approached me, eh it usually didn't bug me too much as long as when I said no thanks he took it like a man and was polite and left.
If he read it as some open door or signal and couldn't be a good sport, then that was his problem. Really.
And it was *his* PROBLEM.
The bottom line for me---and this echoes something Chani said---is that women shouldn't have to give up dancing on tables or wearing the clothing they prefer in order for men to not overpower them sexually, or call them ugly names because he misread what he thought was a signal.
What men need to do is assume nothing, expect nothing and always figure women are just having fun, not sending out "screw me baby until the cows come home" signals no matter how much or how little clothing she has on, how she is moving, how she looks, or what she is doing, even if that means stripping for a lacrosse team.
Men's thoughts might be lustful in an appreciative way (and I think that's pretty typical---and usually fair enough---in both sexes), but shouldn't be anticipatory in a way that could begin as a Dear Penthouse letter.
The only time a man should think a woman wants sex is if she says, "Yes, let's have sex."
In NO other way PERIOD is a woman EVER asking for sex.
And if you have to talk her into it or convince her, that's a no, gentlemen. No sex IS better than coerced sex...and coerced sex is practically rape, and is the time when recriminations might come.
Women might be acting out due to neurosis, drugs, alcohol, or whathaveyou...and a man needs to take the high road, "Babe, you seem strung out...maybe another time."
Sure, we women need to learn we do NOT have to please someone, and saying no to sex doesn't hurt someone physically or emotionally.
In conclusion, I think Chani nailed it when she said:
"A lot of the hostility that's out there between men and women is brought about by this kind of objectification....Why not look to each other for friendship and companionship?"
I don't like to generalize that men are out for sex and women out for companionship b/c I don't really believe that. On the whole, even in clubs, even on nights as a Robert Palmer backup look like, even when guys put the hit on, most were good sports when I said no thanks.
The majority of men aren't that "reads signals-won't take no-apply pressure" kind of creep.
So in this, I agree with Bones' point.
K nailed it when she said we don't teach men how to relate to women, and I add "on their level."
Lawyer Mama nailed it when she said, "And even the implication that I (or many of the hundreds of women and men I've counseled) had anything to do with what happened makes me see red...I'm not saying that false rape accusations aren't a big deal. They are. But the far larger number of unreported sexual assaults are an even bigger deal."
The truth is all of us want love. Many don't know how to go get it in a healthy, nondestructive way, and sex drive can get in the way, but truthfully, I think we want love.
Every man should look at every woman and see someone's daughter, sister, mother, best friend. He shoudl think, "She wants love, is a human being, and deserves respect and compassion...as every person does." I'm pretty sure that right there will decrease any blood surge from an initial, "Wow that skirt is short and that trunk has got no junk and whoa baby does she want some fries with that shake."
On a personal note...I went out with Chris for fun.
I'd just been squeaking my way out of a longish relationship with a guy everyone called Perfect: super cute, athlete, so smart, and omg how'd you score such a ROMANTIC.
Except he never saw ME.
I had also just had my best guy friend tell me his feelings were romantic and always had been.
So I went on a date with Chris. Uncomplicated. Fun.
"Let's go hang in your room," he said in his surf boy voice.
And for some reason, whatever, I said okay. Maybe I did want to kiss him. What the hell, right? I could stop it whenever I wanted. How did I feel, kissing another guy? How did it make me feel about the guy I had been dating? What were my feelings about these guys?
So we kissed, in my living room, on my sofa, and then he flipped me down and got on top of me and got...well, aggressive is the nicest word I can think of. He'd decided we were going to have sex, and it didn't matter how many times I said NO! or BACK OFF!
I had dressed hot, he'd bought me drinks, I'd invited him back to my room, we were on a date...I was sending out signals. He said all this to me, and more.
Nope. Wrong. He was wrong. Period.
What did I do when my protests failed? I was stunned, shocked, heartbroken, furious, petrified. That moment of silence and stillness encouraged him to think I'd given up. This is what men like this do. They think when woman stops fighting she means yes.
"Hang on," I whispered, and the husky part was no problem after all the yelling at him, "Let me go slip into something more comfortable."
Overconfident jerk smirked a smile and said cool. Then did not realize I slipped out the front door instead of into the bedroom.
I ran sobbing to my neighbors, two guy friends of mine.
The balm to my soul was their fury, which they didn't even try to conceal.
"I'm going to kick his ass straight through the front so he'll never bother another girl again," one hissed.
And you know what? I'm not one for violence but that time I said, "Put in a few extra for the girls who didn't get away."
They stormed my apartment, hauled Chris up, threw him against the wall, held him by his neck, said a few words of advice wisdom and threats, then threw him as hard as they could out of my apartment.
One called my girlfriend and then they sat with me until she got there. They kept their distance.
These guys were good guys, as were most of the guys I know (and knew).
And though the Chris type guy might be in the minority, his signal was pretty loud and clear.
Chris approched me later, made noises about pressing assault charges against my friends, told me my story wouldn't be believed.
And I believed him. So I never said anything, out of fear, shame, self-protection.
Plus, only the year before, I'd already gone through a rape trial with my best friend. I knew how the judicial system raped you twice.
I regret not saying anything but to this day I doubt a thing would have been done to him. Not back then, not when we were on a date, and I was dressed hot, and I let him into my apartment. Not before date rape was even a term. And definitely not when I got away before any "real harm" was done. So I had no proof, only my word.
If we all changed how we thought about it, or just how we speak about it, what a difference it would make.
My son, he is not what you would call "active," but he is in the age of hormones after all. He tends to emotionally fall for younger girls (girls who, if they were my daughter, would not be dating yet - 13 or 14). He, therefore, hasn't yet had a "true" date. He has only been on chaperoned ones. I do have a theory about why he falls for younger women though.
Based on the fact that his chief complaints about most girls his age (including many in church) are as follows:
They wear too much make-up.
They dress too provocatively.
They seem to be looking for sex, maybe to make them feel accepted.
So, the actual tripe of this article aside, I do worry about my son in college.
I can still vividly remember a scene from my own early twenties. A room full of sexually charged atmosphere and a group of competitive girls. Insert good looking young man. Give those girls the knowledge that the young man is a virgin. Watch the attempted seductions begin.
That was years ago. Times have changed. But, awareness about disease and emotional fragmentation do not eradicate irresponsible sex on either side (I have intimate knowledge of both sides of the equation in my own life). So yes, I worry about my son being safe at University in a year's time.
I do, however, agree that this article in particular seems to downplay the seriousness and scope of actual rape claims by so grossly exaggerating the scope of his argument. Any valid points that the author might have made about the statistical possibility of being falsely accused of rape are obliterated by his delivery. I seethe.
-t (hoping I expressed this well since I have so little concentration at present)
-t
Also very scary because of the fact that men are simply more physically powerful.
My fear for my son is a lot less physical than it will be when my daughter is older. My mother's heart will likely find a way to fear regardless of the situation! LOL
I do so totally understand the other side of the coin (and can't say that I disagree with you at all).
-t
I have to say that I think qualifying rape as in date rape gives the perception of lesser crime. Rape is rape, period.
I just can't understand how boys like that mistake stillness and silence for agreement. Why has no one taught them that sexual intercourse is reciprocally active? Oh, because we don't talk about sex.