Saturday, July 28, 2007

Comparative Analysis of BlogHer vs. My Weekend

A Friday night at BlogHer in Chicago:


Some lucky people---not me!---on Friday, at BlogHer. Doesn't it look so fun? Lovely and sophisticated? I bet not one person there started a flood or fire, whined, or came down with the croup! Photo blatantly and repentantly stolen from Jenny
.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...an ill wind blew...


This photo needs no caption. But just in case a picture isn't worth a thousand words, I included a thousand word post below for your edification and enjoyment.


Friday:

BlogHer Bloggers---Attendees at BlogHer begin the exciting socialization, networking and learning the conference uniquely offers bloggers, except for me. Blogosphere friends and fans (and maybe foes, who knows) come together in corporeal life...sometimes with shocking results. There is much gabbing, some yakking, a bit of thinking and discussion, and many intriguing panels. Allegedly there is much eating and even more drinking. All in all, tremendous levels of fun and enrichment.

Me---Awoke at 3:30 a.m. in cold sweat of horror. My tree fell! On my neighbors' lawn! There is a great gaping hole in my tree line and in the ground where the toppling giant yanked out a hunk of earth. Recalled today is my court date for that *&%^ ticket I got, for what, about 5 mph over the speed limit. Console self with realization that today I get my hair cut with Mark and the eye brow wax, both desperately needed. Children are with a sitter!

6:30 a.m. Quiet dozing on couch to now-forgotten TV show interrupted by the sound of a barking seal coming down the stairs. Great, the baby has gone croupy. A cough hacky older sister soon follows her. Dad has conveniently already left for work. In my car. because it is flooding. Again. It's not even 7 a.m. and I am stuck in the house with two sick children who are cranky as all get out.

I tried to pretend that the day was going to go as planned. After a flurry of getting ready activities with sickly reluctant and whining children, I finally sat back down on the sofa in a paroxysm of defeat at 8:00.

I steeled myself to call and cancel the sitter and all appointments.

Patience inquires: Why are you sitting down, Mom?

Persistence: barks like seal

Me: Because you two are sick and it is clear we are going nowhere today. Oh well, I have to call 800 arborists about removing the tree. (try to choke back sobs)

I determined to make the most of being at home and tried to clean the downstairs. While I was vacuuming the kitchen, Persistence sneaked into the downstairs bath and locked the door.

Patience: MOM! MOM! Persy is in the potty and won't open the door and I need to go!

Me: Did you knock.

Patience, hopping from foot to foot: YES!

Me: There are two other bathrooms in this house, why not use one of those.

Patience: Mooooooommm, I want to use that potty!

Patience, back at bathroom door with me behind her: Persy! Persy! You open this door right this minute or...or...NO MORE TISSY HUGS!

Me, suspiciously, hearing odd noise: Shhhhhhh!

Patience: But...

Me: SHUSH IT NOW!

(listens closely to sound of running water...no...not just hitting the sink...yes, sound of water cascading some distance and hitting tile)

Me, panicked: Persy! Persy listen sweetie baby honey it's Mommy, it's Mommy out here, I've got food, won't you please open this door?

(singing from inside ceases, moment of quiet reflection) Persistence: Nope! I's habing-a fun!

Me: Persy, sweetie baby honey really, not a choice, open the door, just open the door right now baby no consequences, I promise.

Persistence, cheerfully: Nope!

I endeavor to use the key. No luck. It's jammed.

(Here's where you all need to bow down and praise the miracle that is Tae Bo, and decide to never, ever mess with me...)

I lift my leg, calculate and with one swift yet powerful kick...break down the door.

Children freeze in stunned amazement.

Patience, quietly awed tone: Mom just kicked down the door!

Persistence, laugh turns into seal barking.

I race, Valkyrie-like, into the bathroom. The sink (not the potty for once) is stuffed full of toilet paper, blocking both drains. Thanks to a swift kick, the flood is not yet too bad. I switch off the water, clean up the soggy paper, and mop the water.

It is 8:30 a.m.

I handle the children (you know, with cat-o-nine in one hand and chair in the other) and decide to search the Internet for any tree trimming company with the words "quality" and "cheap" in their name.

Except...I have no Internet. The storm has once again knocked out all means of communication.

I resume mommy duties. More fun and excitement, best left to your imagination (which I promise you, pales in comparison to reality).

6:00 p.m. While the BlogHer bloggers meet for dinner and merriment, I prepare for my own dinner and merriment. My fun friend Cindy is hosting Bunco tonight at her place. With my husband finally home, I can get ready in peace.

HA!

Famous last words!

My husband kept forgetting the "parent the children away from Mom so she can get ready" part of the bargain. First, he decided to climb along the tree trunk into our neighbors yard to survey the damage. Next, he considered himself "disgusting" after aforementioned adventure so he needed a shower. Him! Staying home him! Needed a shower right then.

In revenge, I added in the children to the shower. In resignation, he converted his shower into a bath for the children and pulled a Houdini.

I was at the bathroom vanity applying blusher to my cheekbones (visible once again thanks to Weight Watchers) when the screaming in my bath began.

I whipped around to find Persistence bleeding profusely.

Dad left them in the tub with the razors in reach. I would have said something but...you know glass houses and broken downstairs doors and flooded floors and all that...

Although both children claim total ignorance as to what happened, the evidence tells the tale for them: the razor in question has a chunk of skin matching the missing portion of Persistence's ear stuck in the blade. The razor blade cover was appropriately back on and the razor was back in its rightful position, all taken care of while Persistence clutched her bleeding ear to her head. Methinks there was a different culprit, one who lied to our faces, extremely convincingly. Luckily her dad and I both have younger siblings and are naturally suspicious of Perfectly Innocent older siblings who saw nothing, but manage to Perfectly Innocently suggest, "Maybe somehow she got next to a razor and it sliced her ear..."

30 minutes later we have the situation handled and I am fifteen minutes late to my party, already. I finished getting ready and took careful leave of upset family, arriving at party half an hour late.

Friend Cindy takes one look and sets me up with a lovely Pimm's.

Other friends offer me suggestions for cheap tree removal, cheap tree replacement (including, I kid you not, an environmental fundraiser I am totally going to do!), several ideas for Out of the House and Away from the Kids outings in the coming month, and even an offer of a new school for Patience that is ecstatic to take Creative and Imaginative Special children like her.

Nobody even groaned or sniffed when I won a prize in a roll off.

Home and in bed by 10:00 p.m. Nobody is interested enough to pull any stunts, decorate, or photograph me. This is probably fortunate because I likely slept with a scowl and gritted teeth. And may have reflex Tae Bo kicked anybody who approached.

Saturday:

3:30 a.m. I awake in cold sweat of terror and horror. Holy mother of God. In all the excitement of storms, falling trees, and pestilence of Biblical proportion, I forgot my court date. There is so totally a warrant out for my arrest now. I am doomed. Doomed! I can't believe I did this. Nobody else forgets something like this. I must have a death wish.

8:00 a.m. During all of the usual morning melee, I hid in bed with the covers over my face, in the hopes that this means the Police Will Not Find Me, hardened criminal case that I am. My head still echoes with the Judge calling my name over and over with no response, a la Ferris Bueller. Nausea twists in my stomach.

8:00 a.m. Meanwhile, back in Chicago...Keynote breakfast with experts! BlogHer attendees continue the excitement and merriment. A few even deign to email me with encouragement and news. Bloggers post session recaps that I scour with great interest.

I choke back all the comments I didn't get to make because I wasn't there.

Especially the, "How lucky are you that you are getting to miss your kids right about now!"

Instead of expanding my universe with topics about politics and blogging, silenced communities, and the politics of inclusion and exclusion, I tidy up the house for the 4,568th time in less than 48 hours; clean up; run a load of laundry; zip through accumulated mail with husband; redirect, yell, or threaten misbehaving children; read stories with children; admire incredibly clever camp set up older child created; and shuffle family out the door to run errands.

After usual highly humiliating experience out with Curious and Creative Children, return home.

Mysteriously, Dad's computer is no longer working. This happened between arrival at home and unpacking of groceries.

I just cannot wait for Sunday!

copyright 2007 Julie Pippert

24 comments:

flutter said...

oh, HONEY.

Sober Briquette said...

fire up that Awards tab. This is a ROFL.

Sober Briquette said...

Oh, gawd. I meant that in the nicest way. It sounds beyond horrific.

slouching mom said...

This is BRILLIANT. SB is right.

(((((hugs)))))

Cecilieaux said...

Are we (men) all that inconsiderate? Don't answer that question. Great post!

Emily said...

Older siblings are ALWAYS the ones causing portions of ears to come off. ALWAYS.

Christine said...

oh my dear, dear friend! how crazy wild that all was. so sorry it wasn't more the weekend you had really wanted or deserved. maybe missing the court date won't be that big a deal? maybe there is a really nice judge who will understand.

just getting back into blogging today, so haven't had a chance to peruse your other posts yet--soon.

love,
c--

Mary-LUE said...

Yowsa! I hope to have a post soon telling us things got better. . . If we don't hear from you, I'll assume some officer got to use that warrant!

thailandchani said...

Wow.. that was quite a story! :)


Peace,

~Chani

Aliki2006 said...

Crazy, crazy, crazy!

I'm so sorry about the weekend. I've been mentally comparing mine to Blogher as well. They just don't match up.

Kyla said...

Okay, my offer for a Friday playdate has now been updated to include an offer for a kid-free drinks/adult conversation outing at your convenience...because YOU NEED IT NOW. *lol*

Just for the record? I was actually kind of at my hotel being a wee sick instead of being at the keynote breakfast yesterday morning. Oops. Alcohol, Canadians, alcohol, skipping dinner, alcohol, and candy...not a good plan if you need to wake up and behave like a normal human the next morning. ;)

I've missed my court date before...that heart-stopping panic in the middle of the night sure is something, ain't it?

Again, I sooooo wish you could have been there! Next year? Please?

Oh, and I got a lovely letter in my suitcase from the TSA saying they searched my bag...I think they may have been watching my email account and heard I was trying to smuggle you to Chicago in my suitcase.

Julie Pippert said...

That's my kids! Great birth control! LOL

***

Flutter, thanks. :)

***

SB, you flatter me! Thank you! (And I always accept more bling. I've got dedicated Web space for it now. :) )

***

SM, LOL thanks! And I always accept more (HUGS) too. :)

***

Cecilieaux, it has taken me many years to get to the point that men and women can be very different, which is okay because it doesn't imply any judgment to say that. My husband, in addition to being a man and thinking differently than me due to many factors, of which sex is one, also is not the full-time parent and so...yeah, his attention gets distracted sometimes in ways I KNOW will bring disaster. I am actually waiting for him to come on and comment...any time now...

***

Emily...well...younger siblings have their bit of up to no good too LOL...

***

Christine, will you be in charge of the letter campaign to get me out of jail? Will someone else take on fundraising for bail? I don't do well in groups like jail. Really I don't.

Thanks sweetie and welcome back!

***

M-L, A HA! Will you help Christine with the letter writing and fundraising FREE JULIE? LOL Thanks!

***

Chani, truth is stranger than fiction. :)

***

Aliki, we have to come up with some poor man's BlogHer. I like Queen of Shake Shake's ideas for Betty CrockHer and DrinkHer. :)

***

Kyla you are on. Wait wait wait, you missed your court date? Do tell...

Next year! I am adding ads to my blog to try to earn. :)

And LOL about the love letter from TWA...looking for me LOL.

mcewen said...

Oooo, nothing like a relaxing weekend .
What is a relaxing weekend? Has anyone ever had one?
Cheers, [glad I'm in the right spot now]

kim said...

totally agree with Sober Briquette, ROFL all the way.

It gets better I promise!

I choose to believe that BlogHer is the chicks only version of Dragoncon and so I'm only missing a freak fest. And yes I've seen the pictures, but I'm very skilled at deceiving myself.

This is totally sexist, but no matter how great they are in the end they're still men. The whole shower/tree/bathtub incident, yeah so could have been Roy.

kim said...

oh and I forgot---I'm not believing a word you say about those beautiful baby girls.

And the courts are surprisingly understanding about missed court dates!

Cathy said...

Sounds horrific, but I can't help but laugh!

Cathy said...

(Because of your descriptions. Not because I am a cruel person.)

Miscellaneous-Mum said...

I particularly liked this:

"Instead of expanding my universe with topics about politics and blogging, silenced communities, and the politics of inclusion and exclusion, I tidy up the house for the 4,568th time in less than 48 hours; clean up; run a load of laundry; zip through accumulated mail with husband; redirect, yell, or threaten misbehaving children; read stories with children; admire incredibly clever camp set up older child created; and shuffle family out the door to run errands."

We are dopplegangers, my friend.

mpearl said...

sounds like my weekend!
sorry, hun.

atypical said...

Ah, but Persistence was just trying to help you clean the bathroom, don't you know? ;)

One of these days we should all post about the interesting and creative things our kids have gotten into through the years (you know, after we have had time for the stress to wear off and the comic-relief to take over).

And hey, I'll help M-L spring you from the joint!

-t

Lawyer Mama said...

Those younger siblings... Wow! I'm trying not to laugh because I can feel your stress from here, but sometimes you just have to instead of crying!

(My hubby pulls the houdini all the time. HOW do they DO that?)

Momish said...

LOL, sounds about right. If I myself weren't on vacation, my weekend would have sounded a tad like yours. But, trust me, while on vacation one runs around like a chicken without a head while also being a fish out of water!

Too bad we missed the martinis and politics. Maybe next year, huh?

Mary G said...

Julie, this is priceless! And why is it not on BlogRhet too?
There isn't a single raccoon in it, either.
(((J)))

ewe are here said...

Horrifying and hysterical all at the same time.

You so deserve to go to blogher next year.