Saturday, August 02, 2008

Hump Day Hmm on Saturday and giving new meaning the phrase "crapped on my day"

On Tuesday I drove out of town to visit family. The kids have been guilting me mightily about working, so I endeavor to make sure each day contains something fun for them, and that each week contains a day for them.

As we drove down a major Houston highway, I noticed that despite the clear blue sky, it seemed to be raining, starting with a light drizzle and slowly but surely escalating to a view obscuring downpour. Believe it or not, this isn't unusual here, especially this time of year. What was unusual was the color of the rain: brown, like mud.

It took about ten seconds but my brain quickly processed that this wasn't a rain storm, nor was it coming from the sky.

It was brown muck coming from the improperly covered 18-wheeler ahead of me on the highway. Suddenly, the loose canvas covering the top of the truck flipped up, completely open in the back now, and suddenly, an enormous load of brown muck coated my car. I couldn't see anything through the front windshield. I went into lifesaving multitasking mode.

SLOW DOWN

MAKE NO SUDDEN MOVES

USE AVAILABLE SIGHT

TURN ON WIPERS

TELL CHILDREN TO STOP THAT SHRIEKING

OPEN MOUTH IN SILENT SCREAM

LOOK AT CAR NEXT TO ME AND NOTE THEIR MOUTHS OPEN IN SILENT SCREAMS

THANK GOD FOR ANTI-LOCK BRAKES AND FOUR WHEEL DRIVE

CURSE FLORIDA DRIVERS WHO DRIVE ALONGSIDE BIG ASS TRUCKS (THAT ARE DUMPING THEIR LOAD) TRAPPING A HALF DOZEN CARS

THANK GOD FOR DIVINELY SLAPPING FLORIDA DRIVERS UPSIDE THE HEAD CAUSING THEM TO GET OUT OF THE EFFING WAY

THANK GOD BIG ASS LOAD DUMPING TRUCK MOVES OVER INTO OTHER LANE

QUICKLY PASS BIG ASS LOAD DUMPING TRUCK

TURN TO LOOK AT TRUCK TO SHOOT THE INTERNATIONAL SALUTE OF DISRESPECT

FORGET HAND GESTURES WHEN YOU READ THE LOGO ON THE TRUCK'S DOOR

COMMENCE OWN LOUD SHRIEKING THAT DROWNS OUT KIDS

BECAUSE...

That truck?

It was a BFI Waste Treatment Truck.

Do you know what that means got dumped all over my car and the highway? THAT'S RIGHT! EXCREMENT!

HUMAN DISEASE-RIDDEN WASTE!

Patience says, "Mommy, what's the smell? It...stinks!!!!"

Say, with dawning horror, "It's...it's OUR CAR."

BEGIN GAGGING

PICK UP EMERGENCY BATCELLPHONE AND CALL SISTER. GET VOICEMAIL.

"You have to find me a car wash. I'm at [undisclosed location] and I need a car wash RIGHT NOW. Look it up on the Internet, anywhere I don't care. I don't even care if it's environmentally friendly, just FIND ME A PLACE TO CLEAN MY CAR! CALL ME!"

CALL HUSBAND. GET VOICEMAIL. REPEAT SAME MESSAGE.

REALIZE YOU HAVEN'T EXPLAINED WHY. CALL BACK BOTH.

"It's me. I need a car wash because a truck dumped SH....EE ummm SH....AW ummmm poop all over my car," I said, meanwhile, the Echo Sisters in the back chorused, "POOP POOP POOPIE DOOP! OUR CAR IS COVERED IN POOP!!! YUCK!!!" Then, while Persistence inhaled to start chanting this again, Patience ad libbed, "And our car STINKS to HIGH HEAVEN!"

I realized created a little bit of a Beat Poetry performance art thing, centered around poop, which pretty much sums up my life. That's when my ovedeveloped sense of the ridiculous began kicking in. I may have begun giggling, possibly a little hysterically.

When I finally arrived at my sister's house, the waste had dried on my car, and had also begun baking in the heat, emitting an even fouler odor. Using wipies a la Monk, I opened and shut the door, instructing the children to stay put.

I went inside and demanded my sister get me plastic gloves and other protective coverings, then went back outside to rescue the children form the poopmobile.

"DON'T TOUCH DON'T TOUCH," I shrieked. Intrigued, the other children began pouring out of the house. I shouted, "STAY BACK! This is HAZARDOUS MATERIAL!"

"Ewwwwwww," they all cried, "It STINKS!"

I looked sadly at my poor little car.

Later, I took it to a carwash. I put it through. It came out. I scrubbed it. I put it through again. I scrubbed it again. It still has bits here and there, and I haven't even looked under the hood.

Kind gives new meaning to the phrase, "crapped on my day."

As I told the story, it got more and more vivid and more and more funny, and that's when I realized that at some point, at heart, I really had begun thinking of stuff like this as "things that happen" instead of "things that happen to poor poor me."

We all get shat upon. Truly.

Later, when I was cooking a pizza and it got a bit burned, Patience said, "Oh, it's okay Mommy, it happens. Just cut that bit off and it'll be fine."

I realized that I was passing my hard-learned yet worthwhile lesson along to my kids, and I felt a little bit of all right.

Wash it off and drive on.

So...I'm sorry I didn't get the Hump Day linky up on Wednesday. I had a little crap to deal with. I'm pretty sure you guys all understand that well. :) But here it is now, and I hope you add yours in, whether you already wrote it or are also running a little late due to crap. I'll do my best to pump this up, okay?

Here's the topic, in case you missed it:
get your big kid britches on people, because I'm going to ask a lot of you and I hope you join in: what stunning realization has enlightened you recently or at some point in your life and caused you to take a turn, either in your life path or in your thinking? And...what happened next?

Here's the link spot where I hope a lot of you add yourselves in:


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31 comments:

EdT. said...

I bet you were grateful that you hadn't rolled down the windows in order to save gas by not running the A/C.

~EdT.

Magpie said...

Julie,
I love you.
That is all.
-M.

Karen said...

as my mom used to say:
cookies crumble, milk spills, balloons pop.

Mayberry said...

I really, really hope you never have to apply the label "into every life a little crap must fall" to another post.

Amanda said...

Yes, we really do(o).

I think I have kindreds here of your Echo Sisters. Echo, indeed.

Love the kid britches challenge, will ruminate and see if I can put my own into words.

the dragonfly said...

Oh. Wow. I have to say I'm quite impressed you didn't start crying. I'm pretty sure I would have. Either that or laughing psychotically.

:)

Caroline said...

Oh Julie. You poor thing. The story makes for a fabulous post but but - WOW - what a load of crap. (I am suuuure you have heard your fair share of poopy jokes by now, so I'll just leave it at that.) ;)

Florinda said...

OK, I will spare the poop-themed jokes. This is actually one of the things I worry about if I'm behind a truck, but I've never known anyone it happened to before.

Speaking of worrying, that's what my Hump Day Hmm post was about - I'm linking it above.

Welcome back, and I hope your next trip is much more boring!

Melissa said...

It seems all of the poop jokes ave been done. So I'll just send you a cyber hug and be thankful everything is ok. :)

Jenny said...

Thank goodness everyone is okay.

How is it possible that there was no one available to hop online for you when you needed them?!? (A GPS could solve that specific problem. Although, one hopes you'll never be in that situation again!)

Blogversary said...

I knew something serious had to be up.

That is by far one of the craziest stories. Glad you and the kids are okay.

wheelsonthebus said...

For the first time in a long time, I am without words.

Ally said...

What a crazy day! And hilarious post. (Sorry it came at your expense). :)

Izzy said...

I will resist the urge to exclaim "Holy sh*t!" and just say wow, I can't imagine how godawful the smell must have been! That will be one of those stories that will be handed down for generations to come.

anniegirl1138 said...

OMG I was laughing so hard I almost couldn't read this to my husband.

I added a link. Nothing earthshattering thogh.

Kyla said...

Oh my God. Pooped on, on the freeway. That is some story. BLECH!

Robert said...

Okay, so this post (while tragic) reminded me of two things immediately: 1) one of the funniest emails I've ever gotten, and which i'm having Ellie forward you, because it was about a horrible stink in Houston and 2) the fact that this week's Monk had a bunch of one-liners/plays on words and here you are using one-liners and plays on words AND referencing Monk. Priceless post. One day you'll look back on that "rain cloud" and find the silver lining. It also reminds me of three stories that happened to me that were similarly, well, disgusting, but which I'll spare the reading audience.

ALM said...

They say it's good luck. :)

So sorry that happened -- but I have to say I'm sitting here smiling. It's a great story.

le35 said...

Well, best of luck getting stuff out of your car, and Rob sent you an email about living in Texas that seemed appropriate to me. However, I really laughed and cried with this one. I felt so bad for you, but it was still funny.

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

As they say, you couldn't make this shit up if you tried! Unbelievable! That really does suck, though, even if it makes for a truly hilarious story.

Natasha Becoming Something said...

I have never heard of trucks carrying excrement! Why for? Where from?!

That's unbelievable but I trust it's true.

Also unbelievable? That I held back my vomit.

You deserve a spa day for that.

EdT. said...

You know, on re-reading the story, I noticed that there was something missing: the first thing you *must* have thought upon realizing what was raining down upon your car.

"oh crap"

Or something to that effect.

~EdT.

Florinda said...

Couldn't mention this in my earlier comment because the post wasn't up yet, but I have a little blog award to give you - no s**t! Happy Monday :-)!

crazymumma said...

These disasters must end son. Whatever you did in your past life darling? I think you have paid penance enough.

Anonymous said...

So this guy runs into an office, looking distressed and asks the front desk, "Ma'am, where is your bathroom?" She tells him there is one upstairs, since he looks like he's really in pain. He runs up and doesn't see anything but a hole in the floor. He figures they must have some strange customs, but decides to use it given his predicament. When he finishes and heads back down, he notices the place is completely cleared out, except for one person hiding under a desk. He asks, "What happened?" She says "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

MommyTime said...

I'm impressed that you didn't slip and slide, even more impressed that you didn't completely lose it at the truck driver when you saw his logo. Gross hardly covers it, does it? You do tell a great story, though. And it's nice to know such lessons are being imbibed by the kids.

amanda said...

Yuk. I would have been really shitty if that happened to me. You were so calm!!!

SciFi Dad said...

I want to leave a comment saying I feel badly for you, and that in the end I was laughing with you, but I feel like I cannot lie.

I was totally laughing at you and thankful it wasn't me!

(Although admittedly, my wife would have been FAR less calm than you were.)

Andrea said...

Oh yuck. Poor you.

And now I'm late posting my link b/c I was away all weekend....

Hope it all washes off and your car is good as new soon. :p

Jennifer H said...

At BFI, my hand flew to my mouth. I gagged, too!

Oh my god.

I think you should write a letter. Just for fun. Oh, and because what happened was actually dangerous.

Ange said...

I think the fact that you were able to refrain from saying the S word in front of the kids was an incredible feat, I mean if any situation called for it...

In regards to your your comment on my CSS post, I have always wanted to go to SXSW I just don't have anyone to check it out with!