Saturday, October 14, 2006

Ten Things I Hate About You


Josette? Josette of Halushki fame? Josette are you reading? I hope so because I want you to hear ten things I hate about you. And I want all fifteen of my readers to know this too. So they truly, really, madly and deeply understand why once again I am linking to an entry of yours. I want them to understand the depth of emotion here that drives me to tell them that they absolutely must go and read your blog, and see just what it is that I hate about you the very, very most.

10. Your voice. Unlike my girlish and high-pitched squeak, your voice is the soothing and mature warmth of a homemade cup of hot chocolate. Color me lime green jealous. People listen to your voice because it is like warm honey to the ears, and then you slay them with the wise and hilarious words. It's not fair. People hear my voice and check for a DDDD rack and a driver's license that reads Bambi. When they don't find it, they never forgive me the disappointment.

9. Your location. You still live in the Northeast, in your state of origin, allowing you ample fodder for regional mockery and humor. Also the people there do not all appear to carry weapons aka loaded and concealed handguns that they will use on you a la an episode of CSI: Miami after hunting you down using their good friend, the Secret Service Agent. I, of course, am gagged...no regional humor here. No, nothing at all to mock here.

No freaky gubernatorial candidates (Bell: Vote for me because the rest are freaks, Perry: Vote for me because I am Bush's Whipping Boy, Strayhorn: Vote for me because I just married my childhood sweetheart and have six grand-daughters, and Kinky: Vote for me because I tell it like it is, even if it is bigoted and pointless).

No Presidents doing a bad local accent, the Texas version of Hogan's Heroes German soldiers. Fried ham fried ham cheese and baloney and after the macaroni we'll have fun with...same song, 23rd verse, Texas accent and a whole lot worse!

And definitely nothing culturally worth writing about in a humorous, self-deprecating fashion. Not even the big push for English only in a state that is almost 100% bi-lingual in some way---whether it is Spanish and English or Texan and English.

8. Your four seasons. Fall. No need for elaboration. I know you are inhaling the crisp, dry-leaf scented air, and snuggling under fleece in the evenings while reading my blog. I'm as bitter as a dried apple soaked in vinegar.

7. H&M. Although at first glance this might put people in mind of very cool sex clubs and loads of fun, people who know already know that I speak of a British clothing store Not Available in my Area. It is chock full of reasonably-priced and very hip and flattering Eurotrash and Eurocool style clothing. For adults and kids. The main benefit to this is that when you travel abroad you can more easily pass for Not American, maybe even British, or at least Canadian, which decreases the chance of you getting the (a) on purpose accidentally wrong entree or (b) spat upon while abroad. Even though I have no foreign travel plans, I like to be prepared, just in case, because one never knows when one might need to flee, I mean, fly away. Also, not to give away the goose, I'm quite sure my trip recap could never touch your Disney post.

6. Baby fat. Although I am quite sure you look stunning and are back in the pair of jeans that do flatter your ass---with little sucking in of the abdomen---in the event that there is any little bit of a need/desire for spandex blend clothing or deep inhaling when buttoning up, you have a recent---and gorgeous---excuse. My excuse is applying for Harvard next fall. Which means, of course, that I can't quite call it "Baby Fat" so much as "OMG It's now MY fat, all MINE."

5. Halloween. You had your kid's costumes planned back in January. Actually, your kids planned it for you. How cool is that? I mean, how...ummm...how cool is that and add in something negative here because this is supposed to be # 5 thing I hate about you. Anyway, the point here is that their costumes will be a real poke in the eye to the "I hate Harry Potter" suburban mom person who is trying to get it banned. ;) Go Grrls!

4. Your top ten lists. I hope it is as hard for you as it is for me to keep going all the way from 10 to 1. I hope it is as easy for my readers to keep going with this list as it is for yours to read yours. And if you could make any sense of any of that you can see why I must hate you: you make sense of the nonsensical. ;)

3. What a life! Your forty for forty list? What more can I say! Ack! You rock! Ack! You rock! Ack! You rock! (And my favorite bit was Patsy Dahling's photo near the top because then I read the whole thing in her voice...in my head.) (Speaking of my head? Ever since you mentioned it---oh-so-briefly, a passing comment really, one that, nevertheless, stuck---Bad Mamma Jamma has been stuck in my head all weekend so you once again see why I must hate you. Even if I do love me some Stevie. And just for interests sake the Song Obsession DJ in my head decided to do a dance-able Stevie retrospect as well. So maybe, actually, I love you. My Cherie Amour.)

2. Exotic cuisine. Halushki! Pierogies! Halupkis! Boilo! And all manner of other interesting dishes!

1. Your writing. On my best day---channeling Dave Barry for current event humor, Oscar Wilde for craziness and points of insight, Ray Romano for monologue humor, Erma Bombeck for domestic humor, Ernest Hemingway for dialogue, and Some Really Famous Social Scientist Whose Name I Can't Recall for wisdom---I couldn't begin to touch how well-written, amusing, entertianing and spot on your posts are. In particular, the biggest must-read is my new favorite, A A Series of Unfortunate Conversations.

Really. I mean...this event had to be Oh-So-Not-Fun for the Dear Halushki Family and yet, in the re-telling Josette made me laugh margarita right up through my inflamed sinuses and I was so amused, it didn't even bother me.

For example:

You know, as soon as someone says, “This is the way we’ve done it and it’s always been successful” I immediately see an asterisk with a note at the bottom of the page that says *except in the case of one family from Pennsylvania who didn’t receive treatment according to protocol and God rest their souls.


and

Woman: And I’m a well-read hypochondriac with an honorary doctorate from Google University….

AP: Listen. If you were bitten at all, the bite would be small. A bite that size would take longer to incubate. If you start the vaccine today, in fourteen days your immunity level should be sufficient to stop the virus. If you even were exposed. Honestly, you have more risk of dying from a vending machine toppling over on you.

Woman: I’ll never go near a Coke dispenser again.


Just that bit...you are cracking up, aren't you?

Therefore you'll completely understand the action I was forced to take regarding this post of Josette's.

I just nominated this post for the new ROFL Award that Mommy Off the Record and IzzyMom recently began:

I’d like to nominate a blogger and her recent post for this award.

It’s Josette of Halushki, detailing her recent trials with a bat in her house. She’s always entertaining and totally readable, and her humor is off the charts funny.

Let me run quickly through your award criteria:

a) laughed out loud? Oh YES!
b) spit out your coffee? Time for a new keyboard level spit out damage.
c) chocked on your twizzlers? It was a waste of a lovely candy but ‘tis true, I did.
d) fell off your chair? Indeed, and have the bruise to prove it.


I think you'll agree.

So you see?

You see why I have to hate Josette?

She is simply too wonderful to like.

(And she knows I am totally kidding. Completely and utterly. About the not liking bit. Not the too wonderful part. Or any of the other parts. The rest is all in fun. I'll stop now. I can stop myself from nervous babbling. I can. Really, anytime I want. In fact, I am way too cool to ever babble nervously. I never even babble. Or say odd things randomly, like I like string or the spinach and rutabagas look good this season. Or try to change the subject because I think I am babbling. I definitely never try a tactic like redirect or distract with links to cool blogs that are funny and that I like for example, OMG you MUST go READ Halushki because it is hilarious.)

By Julie Pippert
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© 2006. All images and text exclusive property of Julie Pippert. Not to be used or reproduced.

1 comment:

Jozet said...

SMMMMMOOOOOOCCCH!

Thank you for that lovely write up!

And can I just say...I hate you, too.

;-)

You eloquent thing, you.