We're in the car Monday morning on the way to school. It took the usual act of Congress to get ready and get in the car. So we're in the car, and Patience is clutching her show and tell, the rubber chicken (pictured above).
We're big fans of the blues around here. We're also big fans of the absurd and ridiculous. (I mean, really, look at that chicken.) The thing about being a big fan of something is that it rubs off and comes out in your life in unexpected ways, such as songs your children sing about rubber chickens, in the car, on the way to school.
Bow bow bow...
(Um, do that again)
Bow bow bow...
Have you ever heard of a rubber chicken? A rubber chicken is the kind of chicken you squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze and an egg pops out of its butt, hee hee hee...
Bow bow bow...
CHORUS (Patience): Butt butt buttbuttbuttbutt CHICKEN BUTT oh the chicken had a BUTTTTT and an EGG POPPED OUTTTTTT of its butt cuz he haaaaasssss noooooo UNDERPANTS!
BACKUP DOO WOP (Persistence): And a Poopyhead...a POOPYHEAD!
Mind you, I'm trying to drive, and the speed limit is 45, but the only people driving are moms late for school and air force pilots so that means a speed minimum of 65. So we're hurtling down an eight-lane road at 60ish MPH (except I was really going 43.5 MPH, truly, for sure, especially if you are a police officer).
And Patience is yelling her song. And she's yelling at me to sing with her. And the wind is whistling past our ears. And the weather is fine. And the kids are in the back singing their hearts out like it's an American Idol audition and they want the Crazy Spot. And Patience is just squeezing that chicken, making the egg pop out, and releasing, so the egg pops back in.
"Look Mom look at the RUBBER CHICKEN! Look at its BUTT!" Bow bow bow
And I'm trying to drive.
Ummm... the other day I had a ricochet chicken.
A ricochet chicken is the kind of a chicken
that's supposed to bounce back off the wall into your mouth.
If it don't bounce back, hee hee hee,... you go hungry!
Bow bow bow...
CHORUS (All): HUNGREEEEE HUNGREEEE BOW BOW BOW
CHORUS (Patience): Butt butt buttbuttbuttbutt CHICKEN BUTT oh the chicken had a BUTTTTT and an EGG POPPED OUTTTTTT of its butt cuz he haaaaasssss noooooo UNDERPANTS!
BACKUP DOO WOP (Persistence): And a Poopyhead...a POOPYHEAD!
Squeeeeeeeze POP
Squeeeeeeeze POP
Squeeeeeeeze POP
And the minivans with ladies wearing ponytails and sweats and the sports cars with out of state plates and men in sunglasses are passing us by. And we're passing the lawn service trucks loaded down with lawnmowers.
CHORUS: And a lawnmower chased the chicken with the butt butt butt butt butt and the egg popping out.
And we're flying by the fields with deer.
CHORUS: So the chicken and his egg butt hopped on a deer and the chicken went pop pop pop with his butt butt butt and his egg egg egg.
Squeeeeeeeze POP
Squeeeeeeeze POP
Squeeeeeeeze POP
Squeeezzzzzzeeeee POP!!!!!
And the egg fell plum out of the chicken's butt...err, bottom, uh hiney, no, rear end.
CHORUS: OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO! The chicken lost his EGG, right out of his BUTT!!! His BUTTT!! OH NO OH NO OH NO!
And I said, "Oh no! Well, we'll see if we can put it back in when we get to school!"
But the children had already flown by me and were laughing uproariously at the new big hole in the rear of the yellow, rubber chicken.
You can poke your finger in it. You can put a wipe in it. You can put a crayon in it. You can put a wipe and a crayon and a cheerio in it. You can put it on the organizer hanging on the back of the seat. You can put a pencil in it and wag it all about.
Now the chicken has a...butt hole.
New chorus.
And the street for the school is just ahead and my children are singing about rubber chicken's butt hole.
And I feel a bad case of the moms coming on.
"OKAY!" I yell over the singing, "OKAY! Listen, really, there are better words. Bottom. Rear end. Hiney. But honestly, girls, sometimes, there are just parts of the body people don't like to hear too much about unless they need to. Okay? So sing about any part of the rubber chicken, any part at all, except the butt, err, I mean bottom."
Then I feel the loophole wrap around and engulf me.
"Belay that last order. You can sing about the chicken's neck, head, feet, legs, wings, or belly. Any of those, but nothing else, nothing that we cover with underwear. Got it?"
Then I feel the loophole wrap around and engulf me.
"An addendum to that last order: no singing about underwear! We're almost at school. Do you remember the rules of school? The things it's okay and not okay to talk about?"
CHORUS---slow and sad (All): Yes, yes mom, we hear you, no singing or talking about privaatttttes. No underwear. No butts. And noooooooooooo buuutttttttholes. But we can talk about the TAIL, the TAIL, and an egg coming out of the tail!
Umm, umm, umm... the other day I had a cool water chicken sandwich and a Sunday-go-to-meetin' bun...
Bow bow bow...
Hee hee hee hee... What da ya want for nothing? ... a rrrrrrrrubber chicken?
Bow bow oooh ooh oooh oooooooo-waaaaaaaah...
Into the school we went. And I had to hand Patience over to her teacher, with a straight face, and say, "Patience has a rubber chicken for show and tell...and it has a hole. In its bum. And she likes that. And it might come up. And I have nothing more to say on the matter, nothing at all. My mind is definitely NOT going THERE. And ummm...have a great day!"
Then I made like Jake and Elwood and scrammed.
copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
Comments
And thank god, Julie, that other children use "butt." That it's not just my kids who say things like "Are monkeys going to fly out of your butt?" in their loudest and shrillest voices while we wait in large packs for restaurant seatings.
Too funny.
**
Gwen, oh dude you do not know the half of the chicken. It was like her LOVEY for an entire week. This kid loves the Jellies (rubber things) and the chicken? The chicken is at least better than the spider, lizard, snake, etc. They don't bother me but I get tired of squealing frightened people who think they are real, LOL.
Okay so what IS the perenial anal fixation, I mean really!
Geez, my kids are happy to yell out just about anything humiliating for me in public.
However, these days it is most likely anything to do with butts. And BUTT. I HATE that word. I promise I use bum all the time. Dude. (shaking head)
LMAO about the monkeys out of the butt. I wonder where they got that from? ;)
I'm just waiting for Patience to whip out, "OMG DUDE, I am SO SHITTING TWELVE GOLD BRICKS here!"
How long do parents like me have to hang in purgatory? Just wondering?
Very funny, btw, the rubber chicken story!
Do you have any idea how painful it is to force the coffee to stay in your body when you're convulsing like a child coming down from a sugar high?
Well, do you?
That is the most hilarious thing I think I've ever read.
Holy cow.
Actually, holey chicken butthole.