She herself was not strong-willed...so she quickly recognized the futility of attempting to alter the course of unalterable events. Enduring what couldn't be cured, she supposed, was what people meant by being adult, though it was ironic that so few of them---including her parents---had mastered the skill themselves. By age twelve she'd already learned to cut her losses and derive what comfort she could from doing so. Generally she was happy or, failing that, reasonably content, though she sometimes wondered if she'd conceded the inevitable too quickly. What if the only thing concessions got you was the habit of conceding?
Marie A. Sherrett, past president of the Prince George's County, MD, chapter of the Autism Society of America, in her article, "Assertiveness and Effective Parent Advocacy," wrote that parents of special needs kids came in several categories:
* Pacifists or those who gets things done;
* Clinging vines or parent advocates;
* Silent victims or fighters;
* Dreamers or crusaders;
* Waiters or initiators;
* Bombshells or assertive parents;
* Appeasing compromisers or action heroes.
"Which are you?" she asked.
The second descriptor after each or, by the way, is the assertive parent, which is the best advocate, according to Sherrett.
I can be any of the first descriptors, but in general I think I tend to err on the side of assertive. What is assertive? I'll tell you what it isn't, also from Sherrett's article:
* Beat around the bush;
* Fail to describe problems;
* Feel guilty or are afraid to be vocal;
* Agree with professionals to keep peace;
* Leave everything to others;
* Accept excuses for inappropriate or inadequate services;
* Are too hasty to act;
* Fail to act;
* Accept the status quo;
* Give in to defeat;
* Are uncomfortable with accomplishments;
* Discourage your child from having hope of success.
These are often humps I have to get over, but constitutionally I am incapable of sitting down and being quiet when I fundamentally believe that is the wrong thing to do.
Like the little girl with the soccer ball I described in my post on Monday, this earns me mixed reviews. It makes me noticeable, and outside the status quo. It leads to backhanded compliments, that seem admiring on the surface but carry a nasty undertone at times. It often creates an embattled feeling.
Still, I can't stop. I have never been one for sitting back and waiting.
On Monday, BubandPie wrote in "1983," "I'm finding a certain pleasure in remembering that old ache of boredom, the helpless longing I felt as I slumped on plastic chairs at many a grade-seven lunchtime dance, hoping for life to find me."
I read that description several times, and read with great interest the comments, all of which seemed to completely identify with that feeling. Except I couldn't. I'd never slumped in a plastic chair and waited for life to find me. I'd always felt a bit of a wildness, a motivation. And when others laughingly expressed how relieved they were to have "grown out" of that crazy energy, again I was stymied. I never have.
I wasn't bored at 12. I was flying to visit my best friend in another state, and traipsing through Paris. I wasn't bored at 13, or 14 either, when I wandered the streets of San Francisco. I wasn't bored at 15 when I worked all year long to earn enough money to backpack through Europe with friends. At senior prom I asked my date to dance when a favorite song of mine came on. "No, I'm tired," he said, and I shrugged and went and danced all by myself. If it matters to me, I'll go and do it, solo doesn't impede me.
The more apt description of how I felt at 12 is this:
...and the teacher, Mr. Karp, puts us upon the stage with our legs around everybody, one in back of the other, and he says: 'Okay, we're gonna do improvisations...Now, you're on a bobsled and it's snowing out and it's cold... Okay, go!'
Ev'ryday for a week we would try to feel the motion,
Feel the motion down the hill.
Ev'ry day for a week we would try to hear the wind rush
Hear the wind rush, feel the chill
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To see what I had inside.
Yes, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
And I tried, I tried!
And everybody's goin' 'Woosh... woosh ...
I feel the snow, I feel the cold,
I feel the air...'
And Mr. Karp turns to me and he says:
'Okay, Morales, what did you feel?'
And I said...
'Nothing, I'm feeling nothing,'
And he says 'Nothing could get a girl transferred.'
They all felt something,
But I felt nothing
Except the feelin' that this bullshit was absurd!
"Nothing," from A Chorus Line, sung by the character Morales
That's pretty much how I sometimes feel at nearly 40, too, at times. And like at 12, and like Morales, it works for me
And a voice from down at the bottom of my soul
Came up to the top of my head,
And a voice from down at the bottom of my soul,
Here is what it said,
'This man is nothing! This course is nothing!
If you want something go find a better class.
And when you find one You'll be an actress.'
And I assure you that's what fin'lly came to pass
I try, often, to fit into the round hole. It's not easy being the Billy Bevel of Polieville. But that's not the point. I also don't think everything is absurd or nothing. That's also not the point.
The point is, unlike Russo's character Sarah, I don't cut my losses at the beginning. I do believe that all constant concessions gain is a habit of conceding.
I asked my mother---the source of all things original to me---if this is an apt description.
"Oh yes," she reassured me, reminding me that she had at least one teacher called conference about me for each year of school.
But I do try for wisdom and diplomacy, and that is perhaps the greatest difference between 12 and 40. I try for a generous dollop of humble with my assertiveness, and I hope I manage it.
Assertiveness with humility is a trait of getting the most from life, but people tolerate it in different ways from men and women. The tolerance extends further in men, and runs out more quickly for women, although both run a risk---especially since it varies more by personality than anything else.
I want the most from life, and hope for the same for my kids. In my mind, being assertive also means being mindful. I will always remain involved with my children as a parent. I understand this means stepping back and letting them be, at times, but it also means interceding at times.
What the wildness within me in my youth has grown into is a lack of automatic acceptance of the status quo and a willingness to evaluate each situation and decide whether it calls for assertiveness. If it does, I'll hop up from my chair and go forth.
The thing people misunderstand is that questioning doesn't automatically mean rebelling; wondering if something is a problem is not automatically declaring it a problem or creating the problem; and being nice doesn't mean being quiet.
I will be clear and speak up when it's called for, I'll describe problems or express concerns, and won't be afraid or guilty of using my voice. I won't appease or accept excuses, but I won't act too hastily or aggressively. I'll encourage my children to hope for success.
Assertive and humble. I'll endeavor to be assertive yet humble, endeavor to get the most from each situation, and teach my children to do the same.
I encourage you to go and read the comments from yesterday's post. There are some fantastic points of view, great information, wonderful opinions, and interesting discussion.
I encourage you to tell us your thoughts on this topic---assertiveness, education, adults, children, gender, politics and so forth. Posts from today or any time before today welcome! Just please link to here so others can see the entire discussion.
Copyright 2008 Julie Pippert
Also blogging at:
Julie Pippert REVIEWS: Get a real opinion about BOOKS, MUSIC and MORE
Julie Pippert RECOMMENDS: A real opinion about HELPFUL and TIME-SAVING products
Moms Speak Up: Talking about the environment, dangerous imports, health care, food safety, media and marketing, education, politics and many other hot topics of concern.
MOMocrats
Comments
There's a balance that has to be met somewhere. I don't think it's gender-specific.
I would like to see manners developed around assertiveness. There are very few customs set around it and it causes too much conflict.
Intention also matters. Are we being assertive just to push our point of view or are we being assertive because we want our own way?
Balance, balance, balance.
It always seems to come down to that. :)
***
Kyla, when someone finds a voice of assertiveness I always wonder whether they ever wished for it before, noticed assertiveness and how it feels to suddenly be assertive. I guess, in short, I wonder if their opinion of assertiveness changes.
In college, I never once raised my hand to ask a question. OK, maybe once, and only once, but my heart was beating so hard, I didn't hear the answer. Is this lack of assertiveness? Perhaps. But in my view, it was simply that I didn't need to speak up because I didn't have any questions to ask. I either understood the material, or it was so far out of my understanding that no question would help me get back on track (WTF are you talking about was not a good option). In the workplace, I certainly speak up when needed, but more often than not, I am quiet during meetings. It may or may not be a gender thing, but simply personality.
Maybe that's a southern thing.
And the spam is really bad this week. I had noticed it on other sites...
OMG, is there a topic here? lol.
I think some of the issue of assertiveness goes back to conflict. What one person--let's say, Julie--sees as being humbly assertive, another person, say, oh I don't know, a pathological hater of conflict, sees as aggression because all disagreement feels aggressive. This isn't to say that we should therefore always keep our mouths shut. But it does make mature communication more difficult to achieve, unless you can separate your feelings about yourself from other people's feelings about you (not you, Julie; I mean a general you).
Chani has got it right--balance, balance, balance.
You make no overt connection between your troubles with assertiveness and your gender, Julie (okay, you had a sentence about how assertiveness is more tolerated in men, but that's not the depth I'm used to from you, lol). Is your brother like you? Has he had similar experiences? These are the things I wonder, having grown up with only sisters.
No, we just look alike. My sister is not like me either. At least not in *this* respect. We are quite like one another in other ways.
I am also an awful lot like and not at all like my stepbrothers and stepsister, although we weren't per se raised together (my youngest stepbrother is close in age so we did have more common time growing up).
So I had five siblings of sorts in my mix.
My parents are fairly strong-willed and so am I. I asserted myself, sometimes aggressively, growing up in order to not be mowed down.
My siblings preferred a path of less resistance.
I'm more overt, they are more covert. I'm not motivated to please although I prefer when I get approval, but they do appease and please.
As we've gotten older we've inched from our extremes closer to the middle and thus closer to each other.
And SINCE I KNOW THEY ARE READING they are welcome to speak for themselves.
ON THE BLOG.
href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicopter_parent">helicopter (check the link there are some funny to the point of sad examples). Trust me, I wish my son has a different teacher, but I'm not about to make enemies with the school and become one of "those" parents. Unless he is seriously failing to succeed, I won't step in.
And previewing forces me to enter two captchas!
I think there is more tolerance for youth, period. Attractive usually starts with a get out of jail free card, too.
I think you are both right and I think it's because you actually both said the same thing.
Emily said, "As women get older, we are expected to fade and shut up, just as we get louder."
Melissa said, "...most women I've known get less quiet as they get older. Including me."
So women get more strength in their belief in their right to have a voice as they get older and wiser, and just about at the time society quits thinking they matter much.
But I think that's general ageism most of all. We start looking at older people as less able, less important.
It drives me batty because so many people over 60 are wicked cool.
But I'm the kind of person who doesn't diss on buying a house because I don't like the wallpaper. I always look at the bones.
I am not very assertive, and I think much of it has to do with conflict aversion as Gwen has been describing it.
This has me thinking a lot about my mother, as well. I mentioned that the four of us kids have similar personalities, and I think it's a response to my mother's persistent fault-finding - she settled for nothing. An example of assertiveness morphing into a habit of nitpicking.
Sorry, that's tangential. I agree with you and "assertive with humility" is what I was clumsily trying to say I'm attempting to teach my children.
On to the actual point: I'm with Gwen. I don't think it's possible to behave in such a way that other people will never perceive you as aggressive.
In fact, I'm not even sure what the difference between aggression and assertiveness is, for all the discussion about it. I don't know what "assertiveness with humility" means.
I know that with Frances, I have to teach her to yell because she's so small and soft-spoken that "assertive with humility" is likely to get her walked over.
It's a fine line to walk, raising a child. Knowing when it's time to step in and when it's time to let them go out on their own can be a trial and error kind of process. I've always told my kids to "embrace their inner weird" and believe in who they are. so far, I think I'm doing okay, but it's still a few years until the teen years, when all bets are off!
It feels powerful and scary -- I don't know what the ultimate outcome will be. But I do feel more like me.
And thanks for the book tip!
Sorry for not commenting earlier, but my whole family is sick today and I was doing a lot just to get a post up.
To you and Gwen both, of course there's always the chance that someone perceives it other than it's intended, or opines it is aggressive when you feel it's just.
But.
I can't control others and there's usually this point where it's more about someone else than me, KWIM?
We live in a populated world and eventually we'll step on toes. It simply is.
But if I've done my best to be respectful, mindful, diplomatic, humble, whathaveyou, then I have done my part.
Which is all to say, I think, that I agree with Gwen that it's being able to separate from how others feel about (general) you.
And of course there is no single definitive definition of assertive or humility. It's more the intent, I think. Variable by situation and circumstance.
As you said, Andrea, you have to teach Frances to yell. I have to curb my loudness and work for softer. I am big with lots of energy. That, in and of itself, is often viewed as aggressive. To add speaking up to that? I have to be careful.
I think all I'm trying to say with the assertive but humble thing is to keep in mind my own limitations and other people too along with ensuring it is compromise not sacrifice, and speaking up when warranted. It bothers me to try to define it. It never sounds right.
Balance.
I know this comment is completely unrelated to your meaning, but it struck a chord of just how truly you hit the nail on the head with your comment. Sometimes people are way too into looking at the surface and ignore the substance. I've certainly dealt with that, being bald, overweight, nerdy looking, and having the occasional flavor of Southern in my accent (my voice generally has very little accent, though). I've certainly surprised people over the years.
it's a hard line to walk.
So, yes; I'd agree till the end of days that my intentions are to be assertive and respectful and all those good things (though I've given up on humble because when I am for it sometimes people treat me like a pet gerbil, which I can't stand). But the reality is that in many situations my intentionsn are utterly irrelevant, I'm perceived as being aggressive and intimidating simply for existing.
The fact is, to me, what's assertive or aggressive or seen that way is so dependent on one's roles and status and gender (and probably race and class and all that other stuff too), it's so wrapped up in stereotype and prejudice, it's so dependent on the voice that one is supposed to legitimately have depending on one's sex and wealth and age and all the rest, that it makes nearly no sense to speak of it as an actual behavioural attribute or style. In other words, in almost every situation I can think of, whether I am seen as assertive or aggressive has more to do with the person/people I am interacting with than it has to do with me.
I.Have.No.Words.
What everyone said.
Seriously.
Linked to your post from yesterday - and my comments on it - I was a very shy child - PAINFULLY shy. Both my parents are quiet, rule followers - don't rock the boat kind of people. It is only as I've grown, and gone to college and begun to stand on my own two feet that I've realized that being a wallflower gets you nowhere. I would love to go back and tell myself to be more adventurous, and less afraid. I see assertiveness as SUCH a positive trait - and not necessarily something that always has to be associated with conflict. To me it is about putting yourself out there - getting on with things - being and DOING. I got to that point, eventually - but really I would say it was only about 3 years into my job - where I found myself becoming the proverbial doormat and I wasn't taking it - I started to come out of my shell, make people take notice of me and of what I could do - and they did. I moved up the ranks and was very successful at my work. This experience has stood to me, and is what laid the foundation for me realizing that my attitude needs to be all about 'I CAN DO THIS' and less about 'I wish I could do that'.
Had I had more assertive parents - modeling this attitude - perhaps I may not have been such a shy child, or maybe this is something I had to prove to myself? I'm not really sure and we all know we can argue the 'nature vs nurture' thing til the cows come home.
Your last two posts have given me much pause for thought though on how my kids view their parents - and I hope that I can model assertive behaviour that will instill in them the confidence and belief that they too can do whatever they set their minds to. Thank you.
Assertiveness versus aggression...
Assertiveness is perceived in my field as wholly positive (as opposed to aggression).
When, under what conditions, does assertiveness start to accrue negative connotations?
Well, of course, when we're talking about women.
Assertive girls, in my experience, are generally praised. Feminism helped us get THAT far, at least.
And yet -- something happens when these same girls become women, and it must be very confusing for them. All of a sudden society is seeing what was once counted as a strength as a weakness.
It's one area in which we are woefully biased as a culture. Because assertive women are judged to be strident and manipulative, and assertive men? Are lauded as go-getters, determined, strong...
Sorry if this has been said. I'm too tired to read through the comments right now.
On the flip side, it's also painfully hard growing up when you aren't assertive. I remember feeling as if there were something wrong with me when I didn't speak up. I could almost feel the disappointment coming from my parents, teachers, etc... when I wasn't assertive. Girls and women just can't win.
I was really sorry to miss this topic. But next week looks great too!