Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Things This Day Will NOT Include (and I'm using my best most serious mom voice here)

That's it.

I've had more than enough of this nonsense. I've been patient (sort of) and aimed for understanding (haven't sent any chakrams flying before asking any questions, which I think ought to count for a lot).

But that's over. My time as your doormat has come to an end, Life. I'm not your whipping boy any more.

So, Life? Your bitchslapping habit stops NOW. I mean it. You will learn to speak kindly to me with KIND WORDS, Life, I am serious here.

So let's set out the rules and expectations:

* No more "my house is falling down around my ears and holy crap where will we get the money to fix THAT?!?!" House, home, appliances, including but not limited to cars, as well, will remain in fine working order.

* I'm all done with flooding and flood damage. It's not even freaking hurricane season yet and I've suffered more damage than in two tropical storms and one hurricane in the last couple of years...this winter.

* The Raynaud's attacks stop NOW. I need full functionality of my hands and feet. I can't be having them go all frostbite, numb and non functional. It screws with my typing.

* Rejection letters will come to a halt and be replaced with acceptance letters. (Okay so far not so good on this one. As I typed this entry in popped another big fat no thanks to my email. Although, wow, THANK YOU for actually sending an answer and being so courteous about your rejection. I mean, somehow I feel complimented while being rejected from that one! I wish more editors were like you!)

* Mood surges end. Not mine (although feel free to end those too). I mean the children. I need some consistency for a bit, just so I can remember how to unclench my hands and teeth and lift my rib cage to inhale air. I'm so tired of tiptoeing through each moment never sure if we've got Jekyll or Hyde on board. It is no consolation that my neighbor with 16 year old girl says welcome to the rest of your children's lives.

* Trashmen will actually dump my trash bin into the truck rather than all over my lawn and drive.

* When I ask a question of a service provider they will (a) tell the truth and (b) respond graciously and courteously. They will not rant and rave, put me on hold endlessly, prevaricate, or act as if I ought to be thankful that they even provide to me the service I pay dearly for. And they guy who said, "Ma'am, sometimes appliances break down. It's the nature of the machine. I can't believe you're complaining, I mean, you got six months out of it. These things just happen. Get over it!" I want his physical address. I'm going to go snip some wires. Or something. Barring that, feel free to take your bitchslappy nature, Life, over his way and slap away. Also? While you're karmically at it? Could you please ensure that AT&T suffers some massive justice? Best Buy too? And whoever decided it was SMART to switch over to digital touchpad controls instead of dials...take him or her down as well.

* Please provide ample fertility to the lady who was such a megabitch about me being a working mother with kids. Let her have three sets of triplets in a row, or better. I'm sure one would do it, but I want her life to be extra, extra special and filled with generous and bountiful blessings of children. And then I want her to need to continue her career, while juggling that with kids so she can suddenly, one day, feel utterly nauseated with the recollection that once upon a time she was absolutely vicious to a woman struggling to keep her career on track after kids.

* I want the six people who seriously owe me an "I'm so freaking sorry, Julie, that was really not cool," to apologize to me. Unprompted.

* Let my HSA agree to pay for at least half my meds. It's still out of my pocket but easier and better. I mean, if I have to spend over $400 a month minimum on med COPAYS, at least let it come out of my own health savings account. Righto? And why should they get to tell me what is and isn't necessary to my health, anyway?

* Public schools: please become the place we are glad to send our kids to, rather than a place that we feel at best ambivalent about. After frantic scanning, searching and numbers crunching, it is impossible for us to remove our daughter and provide her the best, the ideal, the education we feel she deserves--at a private school. Please don't make me feel sick about that. Please. Let me have my goal at the private school ("enrich my daughter and engender in her a love of curiosity, learning, the world, herself, and the people around her") be a reasonable goal with you, instead of my current goal with you ("don't crush my child please don't crush my child, don't ruin her don't let her fall through the cracks, teach her something valuable, please please please").

* Okay okay we canceled our upcoming Vegas vacation. Unexpected expenses and current financial situation make it unwise. There. We are being smart, making grown-up decisions. Can that count as a point in our favor? Please?

* Just let it work. Nicely. Well. Please.

Okay. Whew. I appear to feel all done. But I reserve the right to add to the list...

And you, dear readers, don't forget Hump Day and your Hmm tomorrow. Yes, you can do this topic! Click here to see the topic and directions. This one is so important to me that I will put the names of all participants in a hat and draw a name for either a printed 8x10 of one of my art photos OR a free editing session for a blog post or similar. Winner's choice. My talent and sense of self-worth is on the line now. :)

Copyright 2008 Julie Pippert
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24 comments:

Gwen said...

Dude, I got your back. I am on hand to kick life's ass in any way you need me to, although I fear my powers do not compare to Lucy Lawless's.

Yolanda said...

I hear you. I've been wanting to say, "Back off, Bitch" to Life quite a bit this past year. And no, I didn't think it was cute when the Kenmore repairman said smirkily, "Five years, no problems? That's about when all of the appliances go." Here I sit with a dead washing machine and and only 3 functional burners on my stove. Purchase dates: October 2002.

Aliki2006 said...

Hugs to you and swift kicks in the you-know-what to life and all it's doling out lately.

Robert said...

Today I was researching insurance I might need for this new line of business, and I came across one that I sometimes feel like wanting to implement, though I know it's not what they mean by it. "Kidnap and ransom insurance" sure seems like it would be an effective debt collection method for some of the people who've left here owing me thousands of dollars. If only that was what they meant by it.

To Yolanda's comment, I've always been amused by the comment "Life's a bitch, but sometimes she has cute puppies."

In general, though, I've definitely had a few moments recently of wanting to clench my fists in the air and say "I'm not taking it anymore!" Fortunately, the light that is appearing at the end of our tunnel does not seem to have a train attached to it. Best of luck with this rant.

SciFi Dad said...

Just in case...

"I'm so freaking sorry, Julie, that was really not cool."

;)

In all seriousness, hopefully the (apparent) biblical nature of your existence curbs somewhat in the near future.

Blogversary said...

One of good things about being pregnant was that my Raynaud's did not act up. I hate it too. My kids are growing up watching me stick my hands and toes in warm water to get the blood flowing again.

Miscellaneous-Mum said...

Big hugs, 'cause it sounds like you need them

cinnamon gurl said...

That seems like a very reasonable list... I hope life complies. I've been on the verge of making a list like that, but my list has way too much unbloggable material on it.

Family Adventure said...

Hugs to you, Julie! Sometimes life sucks. I hope you won't have to add to this list...

Heidi

jeanie said...

Oh honey - big hugs from me - seems like life has just got great taste at the moment in the people she is pi$$ing off.

Are you sure you really want to cancel that trip to Vegas? Can't one of you go and spin a wheel or two?

LOL - actually, the way life is spinning staying away from Casinos may be a VERY WISE move.

liv said...

"I'm so freaking sorry, Julie, that was really not cool."

I know I can be a real bitch and should try harder not to hurt others' feelings. There was absolutely no call for me to start those rumors about you all over the blogosphere. I know that you are not being held prisoner by a shifty rickshaw company on the make nor is your collection of hats a shameless ploy for attention to distract from the 7 toes you have on each feet, which incidentally make you pedal that bike faster.

Dude. I messed up. I'm sorry.

liv said...

oh, and i have no sense of singular or plural. i should have used my words better and said, "foot."

Kyla said...

I'd add to the list, but alas, everyone already knows what I want and it appears I am not getting it. I talked to the board today and it really does look as though we are at the end of options. Yeesh.

I'd give you virtual hugs and all, but I think in-person cocktails in the near future would be better, right? Let's go with that. LOL.

Jeff said...

Wow, that was some excellent venting. Out with the bad, in with the good. I'm thinking more people should learn how to do that, lest they 'splode!

Sober Briquette said...

Ma'am, YES Ma'am.

melissa said...

That's a pretty craptacular list. Big hugs and here's hoping that list gets better.

And "I'm so freakin' sorry, Julie, that was so not cool."

I think you only need three more. :)

Lawyer Mama said...

Liv just made me inhale rice. That's what I get for eating dinner while reading blogs.

There is a special place in hell for people who give working mothers a hard time. I send people there with my special mind powers all the time. That b*tch is on my list now.

Julie Pippert said...

Liv, thanks, babe, for trying to provide cover for what those who know me know is the truth. But thanks, anyway, you know. ;)

Melissa and Sci-Fi Dad, thanks for the apologies. They're sweet. On the upside, two of the actual six? Made good today.

Gwen and LM, I cannot tell the good it does me to know you two have my six. One cannot ask for better back-up.

To the sweet people who offered hugs and support, blessing to you, for real. Thanks!

Blogversary, if PG is the only cure for this, I'm screwed. No pun intended.

FWIW, God has long had me in his sights for one reason or another, I try to feel blessed about it, but Sci Fi Dad has the right of it: it truly is often a life of Biblical proportions and can we all agree NONE of us REALLY want THAT?

It's worse than the Chinese curse of an interesting life.

At least I got a good sense of humor, though. Sometimes.

Kyla, I STG I'll make signs and march.

Christine said...

i had this HUGE mega comment written and then blogger ate it.

crap.

to summarize:
{{hugs}}

that Raynaud's freaks me out.

and i am mad that anyone was mean to you.

flutter said...

woooooo shit, Jules. Oh crap, am I allowed to call you that? I just added to the list, didn't i?

liv said...

yeah, and just to clear things up, you know i was just going for a laugh, right?! right?!

i lurves you, baby.

wheelsonthebus said...

NCLB came into being after I stopped teaching, but I suspect that when my kids get to school age I will be appalled at what has happened to our public schools. How much is the school's fault and how much is the test?

APPLICANCES BREAK?! Please, please tell me you are kidding.

And, um, why would you think medication is essential to your health? Or that trash men should put trash in the truck? Or that editors should actually reply to you?

Sheesh -- you are one demanding woman.

Wayfarer Scientista said...

Excellent rant. I hope that it at least helped your day. The other day, after finally getting throught to my service provider, when they asked at the end "IS there anything else I can do for you?" I asked them where they lived and then said, "oh, so you don't live near here, then I guess you can't come help me clean up the house." We both laughed and it helped with the steam.

ewe are here said...

Ok. I can apologize when I'm wrong.

I'm really sorry it's taken me until Saturday morning to catch up on my blog reading and commenting over here. You work so hard on these brilliant posts, and I can't even bother to show up and say something. I suck. But I'll try to do better, kay?