Yesterday it was a sunny and hot 85 degrees here.*
We spent a great deal of time outdoors, including a family outing to a popular local restaurant with a shaded patio that surrounds a playground for kids.
Alert-eyed parents scouted for available tables and staked claims to tables clearing out. In most cases, the dads were sent ahead and they did a good job of staking claims rather genially. One dad approached the table next to us and began to move in when another dad popped up and said, "Oh you know, we were going to sit here," the first dad hesitated for a second---should he challenge? He had to weigh: disappoint his approaching wife who told him to get. that. table. now! or follow his instincts to move on---then he said, "Right, sure, sorry," and began to move away. The second dad, his territory respected, said, "Well maybe we can split the two tables, if your family doesn't mind being tight? How many do you have?" The dads proceeded to negotiate the division of space, and upon completion of this, each stood territorially near his table, satisfied smile of success on his face.
Within minutes, the moms and children arrived. The children only briefly checked in---impatiently listening to parental reminders about safety---then raced off to the playground.
It was fascinating to think in anthropological and sociological terms and watch the interactions between adults competing for limited resources---tables, waiters attention---and children competing for limited resources---slides, prime spots under structures, and sand shovels.
You saw the instinct---get it for myself---and then the brief pause as the higher order brain function overtook the reptilian brain function and manners and mores won out. I imagine it's again---as always, as in the case of the dad deciding whether to challenge---a matter of weighing goals, pros and cons.
I thought of the competitive zoo parking lot incident and I realized that manners are strongest when it comes to ongoing contact with people, especially in situations when you must see other people over food, and reptilian instinct is strongest when it comes to our role as parents.
In the recent Hump Day Hmm discussion about using our words, more than one woman admitted to biting her tongue frequently, except when it came to her children. I believe this is because society excuses (or perhaps the better word is allows) women to be assertive when it comes to their children's welfare.
But is assertiveness instinctual for all people? And does society leave room for women to be assertive in other areas? With impunity?
I considered the character judgments against Hillary Clinton, for example. I know exactly how assertive a woman in a male dominated field has to be. I know we have to both more and less---less emotional and more able---in order to get something approximating equal position and respect. Or, at least you did when I was coming up. I came up in a time when it was still okay to ask a woman in an interview if she was planning on getting married and having children. And then it was okay to decide to not hire her if she said yes. Hillary came up even before that.
When I wrote, recently---here and at MOMocrats---about my concerns with Hillary Clinton as a candidate,** several people challenged me about my standards. I'd written no such critique of male politicians not playing nice. Was that fair?
My initial answer was: I didn't criticize Barack Obama, for example, because I hadn't caught what I considered a pot-shot coming from his campaign. I hold everyone to the same standard.
But is that even possible?
Surely I am biased. Men and women aren't exactly alike and our roles in society aren't exactly equal.
Perhaps I do have different expectations of Hillary Clinton, and perhaps my view is influenced, as it is for so many other people, by her gender.
As I watched the children in the playground, I pondered this. What are the differences between boys and girls, and do we have different standards for them?
Persistence and another little girl of similar size and age stood in a little hut at the top of a slide. They had a little routine they liked to do before sliding down. They paid attention to where they were in the moment and were involved in the journey. Meanwhile, a little boy barreled through the playground, intent on sliding. He paid no attention to where he was or what he passed as he was getting to his destination. His mind was dedicated to a single task: get to slide as quickly as possible and slide down. He didn't notice another child's sand pile that he stepped on, the shovel his foot accidentally kicked out of his way, and he certainly wasn't aware (I think) that he shoved both girls aside in his quest for the slide. But he did. He had a goal and he was extremely assertive in going for it.
Persistence and the other little girl simply shrugged after they recovered from being shoved aside, and took no offense at having their turn to slide taken over by this boy. It was as if, by age three, the girls were already used to boys pushing them aside on their quests. It was as if, by age three, the girls had decided it's just easier in most cases to step aside and let the boy barrel through.
I thought of Patience playing co-ed soccer. The boys never hesitated to take the ball, and nobody ever commented on it. The girls, on the other hand, usually tried to carefully take turns and were so nice to share the ball with anyone who wanted to take it. The girls ran and ran and ran to keep up with the teams as they raced up and down the field. They were excellent runners, excellent at keeping up. Terrible about getting the ball. They weren't assertive enough.
Obviously there are exceptions, both in general and personally.
Every now and again (okay twice, total, period) one team would have a girl who was assertive. No way was she letting those boys have the ball, or anyone else for that matter. I saw that this assertiveness bordered on aggression because she alone had to overcome both her male teammates desire for the ball and her opponents desire for the ball. I noticed boys would help other boys in their assertiveness but were not quite willing to let the girl keep the ball. One girl charged that ball down and scored more times than we could count.
The crowd went wild when the game included an assertive girl.
"Look at her go!" Parents would say excitedly at first.
"Finally, a girl who goes after the ball." They'd continue.
But then...the compliments took a double-edged turn.
"Can you believe that girl!" Parents would say, a little more hesitantly, "She really wants that ball!"
You could tell they thought she ought to pass and share.
Should she?
I saw no similar expectation for boys. The assertive girl was clearly---by a mile---the best player on the field in that game. Our two best players were boys. They definitely kept the ball to themselves, and people seemed generally fine with it. Certainly there were no comments made.
In that particular game, when it was time to switch out players and positions, the coach had a little talk with the girl about giving her teammates a chance to dribble the ball, too.
I started wondering.
I don't have boys. They are slightly alien to me, as children. I'm used to parenting girls, and believe me, I think there are some differences.
I assume all of us parents are teaching the same general principles to our children: be kind, be respectful, think of others.
But we're teaching it to very different people, and I wonder how the message affects boys and girls differently.
Do we need to so strongly encourage sharing, taking turns, and so forth in girls? There seems to be a little bit of a natural instinct that takes over, eventually. Should they have to share...all the time?
Do we overencourage this, out of concern for how we appear as parents, and how our children appear to other parents?
Do we unintentionally pass along a message to girls that we expect them to always capitulate to the needs of others when we force them to always share?
I wonder if we need to do a better job of promoting assertiveness in our girls.
I wonder if it can be okay sometimes to tell our girls, sure, that's yours, you play with it as long as you like.
As I watched that toddler boy barrel around the playground last night---a nice enough little kid, never did anything aggressive, never harmed another child, was simply very assertive in achieving his goal---I observed to my husband, "You know, the truth is, we know that assertiveness is, in the end, a fairly good trait to have, because it enables you to get where you want to go. If I was operating in a vacuum, I'd never comment on our girls' assertiveness because, on a base level, I know it will help them succeed in life."
But I don't operate in a vacuum, and on both a conscious and instinctual level, I know what society expects of my girls, and so, upon reflection, I find that I have spent a lot of time drumming them to "overcome" their assertive instincts.
I wonder if mothers of little boys let it slide a bit more. Now don't get defensive. I see mothers of boys encourage sharing and taking turns.
But assertiveness comes out in other ways, too. I think we step in and teach boys and girls at slightly different points in their behavior.
The mother of that boy stopped his assertiveness at the total aggression point: when he went to take a shovel from another child.
Meanwhile, the girls? It seems we stop them at the assertiveness point.
I wonder what precedent and expectation that sets, but more than that, I wonder what kind of society it creates and how it makes our girls--especially the ones with a stronger degree of natural assertiveness---think of themselves.
* Note: To the people who live north of the subtropics and who just sighed in envy or shot daggers from their eyes in my direction---my day is nearly through; within a month or so our weather will turn unbearable and we'll be locked indoors for 5 months.
** Note 2: I believe a lot of the questions and concerns would be leveled at Hillary Clinton even if she was male. I think quite a bit of it is principle. But, I can't help but think there is a bit of a gender thing at play, too.
Copyright 2008 Julie Pippert
Also blogging at:
Julie Pippert REVIEWS: Get a real opinion about BOOKS, MUSIC and MORE
Julie Pippert RECOMMENDS: A real opinion about HELPFUL and TIME-SAVING products
Moms Speak Up: Talking about the environment, dangerous imports, health care, food safety, media and marketing, education, politics and many other hot topics of concern.
MOMocrats
We spent a great deal of time outdoors, including a family outing to a popular local restaurant with a shaded patio that surrounds a playground for kids.
Alert-eyed parents scouted for available tables and staked claims to tables clearing out. In most cases, the dads were sent ahead and they did a good job of staking claims rather genially. One dad approached the table next to us and began to move in when another dad popped up and said, "Oh you know, we were going to sit here," the first dad hesitated for a second---should he challenge? He had to weigh: disappoint his approaching wife who told him to get. that. table. now! or follow his instincts to move on---then he said, "Right, sure, sorry," and began to move away. The second dad, his territory respected, said, "Well maybe we can split the two tables, if your family doesn't mind being tight? How many do you have?" The dads proceeded to negotiate the division of space, and upon completion of this, each stood territorially near his table, satisfied smile of success on his face.
Within minutes, the moms and children arrived. The children only briefly checked in---impatiently listening to parental reminders about safety---then raced off to the playground.
It was fascinating to think in anthropological and sociological terms and watch the interactions between adults competing for limited resources---tables, waiters attention---and children competing for limited resources---slides, prime spots under structures, and sand shovels.
You saw the instinct---get it for myself---and then the brief pause as the higher order brain function overtook the reptilian brain function and manners and mores won out. I imagine it's again---as always, as in the case of the dad deciding whether to challenge---a matter of weighing goals, pros and cons.
I thought of the competitive zoo parking lot incident and I realized that manners are strongest when it comes to ongoing contact with people, especially in situations when you must see other people over food, and reptilian instinct is strongest when it comes to our role as parents.
In the recent Hump Day Hmm discussion about using our words, more than one woman admitted to biting her tongue frequently, except when it came to her children. I believe this is because society excuses (or perhaps the better word is allows) women to be assertive when it comes to their children's welfare.
But is assertiveness instinctual for all people? And does society leave room for women to be assertive in other areas? With impunity?
I considered the character judgments against Hillary Clinton, for example. I know exactly how assertive a woman in a male dominated field has to be. I know we have to both more and less---less emotional and more able---in order to get something approximating equal position and respect. Or, at least you did when I was coming up. I came up in a time when it was still okay to ask a woman in an interview if she was planning on getting married and having children. And then it was okay to decide to not hire her if she said yes. Hillary came up even before that.
When I wrote, recently---here and at MOMocrats---about my concerns with Hillary Clinton as a candidate,** several people challenged me about my standards. I'd written no such critique of male politicians not playing nice. Was that fair?
My initial answer was: I didn't criticize Barack Obama, for example, because I hadn't caught what I considered a pot-shot coming from his campaign. I hold everyone to the same standard.
But is that even possible?
Surely I am biased. Men and women aren't exactly alike and our roles in society aren't exactly equal.
Perhaps I do have different expectations of Hillary Clinton, and perhaps my view is influenced, as it is for so many other people, by her gender.
As I watched the children in the playground, I pondered this. What are the differences between boys and girls, and do we have different standards for them?
Persistence and another little girl of similar size and age stood in a little hut at the top of a slide. They had a little routine they liked to do before sliding down. They paid attention to where they were in the moment and were involved in the journey. Meanwhile, a little boy barreled through the playground, intent on sliding. He paid no attention to where he was or what he passed as he was getting to his destination. His mind was dedicated to a single task: get to slide as quickly as possible and slide down. He didn't notice another child's sand pile that he stepped on, the shovel his foot accidentally kicked out of his way, and he certainly wasn't aware (I think) that he shoved both girls aside in his quest for the slide. But he did. He had a goal and he was extremely assertive in going for it.
Persistence and the other little girl simply shrugged after they recovered from being shoved aside, and took no offense at having their turn to slide taken over by this boy. It was as if, by age three, the girls were already used to boys pushing them aside on their quests. It was as if, by age three, the girls had decided it's just easier in most cases to step aside and let the boy barrel through.
I thought of Patience playing co-ed soccer. The boys never hesitated to take the ball, and nobody ever commented on it. The girls, on the other hand, usually tried to carefully take turns and were so nice to share the ball with anyone who wanted to take it. The girls ran and ran and ran to keep up with the teams as they raced up and down the field. They were excellent runners, excellent at keeping up. Terrible about getting the ball. They weren't assertive enough.
Obviously there are exceptions, both in general and personally.
Every now and again (okay twice, total, period) one team would have a girl who was assertive. No way was she letting those boys have the ball, or anyone else for that matter. I saw that this assertiveness bordered on aggression because she alone had to overcome both her male teammates desire for the ball and her opponents desire for the ball. I noticed boys would help other boys in their assertiveness but were not quite willing to let the girl keep the ball. One girl charged that ball down and scored more times than we could count.
The crowd went wild when the game included an assertive girl.
"Look at her go!" Parents would say excitedly at first.
"Finally, a girl who goes after the ball." They'd continue.
But then...the compliments took a double-edged turn.
"Can you believe that girl!" Parents would say, a little more hesitantly, "She really wants that ball!"
You could tell they thought she ought to pass and share.
Should she?
I saw no similar expectation for boys. The assertive girl was clearly---by a mile---the best player on the field in that game. Our two best players were boys. They definitely kept the ball to themselves, and people seemed generally fine with it. Certainly there were no comments made.
In that particular game, when it was time to switch out players and positions, the coach had a little talk with the girl about giving her teammates a chance to dribble the ball, too.
I started wondering.
I don't have boys. They are slightly alien to me, as children. I'm used to parenting girls, and believe me, I think there are some differences.
I assume all of us parents are teaching the same general principles to our children: be kind, be respectful, think of others.
But we're teaching it to very different people, and I wonder how the message affects boys and girls differently.
Do we need to so strongly encourage sharing, taking turns, and so forth in girls? There seems to be a little bit of a natural instinct that takes over, eventually. Should they have to share...all the time?
Do we overencourage this, out of concern for how we appear as parents, and how our children appear to other parents?
Do we unintentionally pass along a message to girls that we expect them to always capitulate to the needs of others when we force them to always share?
I wonder if we need to do a better job of promoting assertiveness in our girls.
I wonder if it can be okay sometimes to tell our girls, sure, that's yours, you play with it as long as you like.
As I watched that toddler boy barrel around the playground last night---a nice enough little kid, never did anything aggressive, never harmed another child, was simply very assertive in achieving his goal---I observed to my husband, "You know, the truth is, we know that assertiveness is, in the end, a fairly good trait to have, because it enables you to get where you want to go. If I was operating in a vacuum, I'd never comment on our girls' assertiveness because, on a base level, I know it will help them succeed in life."
But I don't operate in a vacuum, and on both a conscious and instinctual level, I know what society expects of my girls, and so, upon reflection, I find that I have spent a lot of time drumming them to "overcome" their assertive instincts.
I wonder if mothers of little boys let it slide a bit more. Now don't get defensive. I see mothers of boys encourage sharing and taking turns.
But assertiveness comes out in other ways, too. I think we step in and teach boys and girls at slightly different points in their behavior.
The mother of that boy stopped his assertiveness at the total aggression point: when he went to take a shovel from another child.
Meanwhile, the girls? It seems we stop them at the assertiveness point.
I wonder what precedent and expectation that sets, but more than that, I wonder what kind of society it creates and how it makes our girls--especially the ones with a stronger degree of natural assertiveness---think of themselves.
* Note: To the people who live north of the subtropics and who just sighed in envy or shot daggers from their eyes in my direction---my day is nearly through; within a month or so our weather will turn unbearable and we'll be locked indoors for 5 months.
** Note 2: I believe a lot of the questions and concerns would be leveled at Hillary Clinton even if she was male. I think quite a bit of it is principle. But, I can't help but think there is a bit of a gender thing at play, too.
Copyright 2008 Julie Pippert
Also blogging at:
Julie Pippert REVIEWS: Get a real opinion about BOOKS, MUSIC and MORE
Julie Pippert RECOMMENDS: A real opinion about HELPFUL and TIME-SAVING products
Moms Speak Up: Talking about the environment, dangerous imports, health care, food safety, media and marketing, education, politics and many other hot topics of concern.
MOMocrats
Comments
I remember one study, a picture of a crying baby was shown to adults, and the adults were asked why the child was crying. When they were told the baby was a boy, they said it was crying because it was angry. When they were told it was a girl, they said it was because it was sad.
If we were conscious of most of hte message we give our kids, we'd be able to change them. But we're not. I can't tell you how many times I've seen friends or acquaintances of mine act out the most tired of gendered cliches with their kids, and then shrug their shoulders and claim ignorance of how their girls and boys turned out so conventionally, and it must be all biological anyway. I remember one time my nephew kicked his father in the head--in the head! Hard!--and they said nothing, shrugged their shoulders, boys will be boys--and then not two days later said they tried gender-neutral parenting by buying him a few dolls and it just didn't work.
I also read in the lenses of gender (sandra lipsitz bem) that hte most reliable way to raise gender-neutral kids is by being blunt and open with them about anatomy. A girl who knows what makes her a girl, biologically, is going to be a girl who is much less threatened by not wearing pink or ruffles or playing with dolls or whatever.
There's a lot out there and I'll stop before this becomes a novel. But yes, we all treat our boys an dgirls differently; and yes, it has an impact, our girls learn a smaller existence from us; and I think that's a tragedy.
In our society (and how I wish I had some knowledge of other societies to draw upon) I don't believe there is a lot of room for a woman to be assertive without some portion of the observers judging her as out of line. It's "just" a matter of reducing that portion to nil.
I think children's innate level of assertiveness is individual more than divided by sex, until they start socializing.
In my family, none of us kids - two girls, two boys- are very assertive people. Both of my brothers' wives are more assertive than them, and they often seem a bit frustrated by their husbands.
As a relatively timid person, I would say assertiveness is a good trait. I have a boy and a girl, and I would have to think hard whether I am teaching them with different standards. I hope what I am teaching them is to be true to themselves, with enough poise to pull it off.
I'm constantly reminding my family that if Vivian was a boy, her aggresiveness, her strength would never be questioned. EVER. She's strong willed, she goes for what she wants, and she sees nothing wrong with that. And I think it's AWESOME.
We work on sharing in proper contexts, but I don't make her share all the time anymore than I make her hug everyone when she doesn't want to. I was a tomboy as a child, ran around with my shirt off, etc-I never understood why it was expected that I couldn't do what the boys did.
Aside from making sure she looks marginally like a girl sometimes (I hated being called "boy" my entire childhood) I leave her be. Even with the dressing, I can't help but wonder if she could feel more "boy"-in which case, I don't want to stop her.
It's complicated. But if my girls play sports, you're damn right they'll be expected to play the GAME, not merely play nice.
Not long ago at work, I had a moment when I worried I was coming off as strident. Then it occurred to me that men never have to worry about that. Which also made me sad.
I think it has gotten better, but there is still a lot of the bias going on. Although....
Last soccer season, the league my son plays in had to put a girl's team in my his bracket because they were sooo good. When they came to play his team, all the boys kind of let up on them a little bit (they later said that they were afraid they would hurt them - even though there were only three boys on the team that were as tall as the shortest girl). BIG mistake. By the time the boys figured this out, it was too late. These girls had no problem with assertiveness, that's for sure.
Anyway, the male equivalent for "shrew" is a$$hole. Not even men can have unchecked assertiveness.
I'm rambling. I'll stop now. :)
It's odd because I think Victor views it as an altogether good thing because he's a quitessential aggressive guy and I feel like I need to coach her to consider others and share more because I'm this timid girl. I'm just hoping that between the two of us she ends up confident, yet aware of others...
This whole parenting thing is so difficult.
Being older and smarter than 5 boys, I have always been comfortable competing with men, but very fearful of being too assertive with women. Obsessed with nonsexist childrearing, I encouraged assertiveness in my daughters. I paid a price with my oldest and most assertive child and had to cope with lots of disapproval from other parents. Often, I wish my grown daughters were a bit more eager to please me, at least:)
My brothers and my daughters are all over the place on the assertiveness spectrum, so some of it is obviously temperamental. But in my many thousands of hours watching children and parents, I do think boys and girls are treated very differently. Girls often seem more amenable to lessons on sharing and consideration.
That experience may be an allegory of sorts for life in general. Girls who compete in largely male environments (e.g., sports, engineering) have to be, as you describe, more and less. My sister has certainly dealt with that as an engineer. But my Dad largely raised her like he did his two sons. He explains now he did not know you were supposed to be different towards girls.
With my own daughter, I expect her to share, but not to be run over. I have let her learn to defend herself somewhat mainly because she's little for her age and I don't want her to get pushed around. I don't want her harming other children, but I don't want them harming her because they are more aggressive. I work hard not to curtail her assertiveness too much, but I also work hard to make sure she is kind to her brother. As he gets older, we work more and more with him in the same way.
I certainly see people reinforce the gender roles in how they parent. I know I'm not perfect at avoiding such practices, but I hope my daughter learns that boys do a lot of the things girls do when I watch them so their mother can go to important meetings, just like she keeps them so I can go to work. I change diapers, do what I can to help them go to bed, and many other things that my father's generation expected their wives to do. Women certainly have more chance to be assertive now, and I'm glad to see one when I do. It is unfortunate how women sometimes get labelled because of assertiveness.
All that said, I don't dislike Hillary strictly because of her being the assertive woman in a man's world. I dislike her policies plans. I also dislike what she's gotten away with in her past because of her powerful connections. I dislike how she lets the taxpayers pay for her expensive home by charging rent to the Secret Service equal to her mortgage for the small cottage she built on the property for them to stay on. It's unethical, even if it is legal. Her ethics are very much in question to me. That is my objection. I don't have as much of a concern about Obama's ethics. I don't like his policy plans, either, but at least he seems honest in his approach to getting them done.
Great post. What's the Hump Day topic this week?
First, I'd like to hit on semantics for a minute.
I think assertive is fine, but I think it is frequently confused with aggressive, which is typically not fine (and is when you see people running roughshod).
Assertive to me means knowing what you want and going about getting it but without disrespecting or dropping courtesy by the wayside.
I realize that belies my description--utterly--of the little boy, but he was only about 3.
Perhaps you are right and I do need to rethink my vocabulary. Perhaps I am a victim of the bias in this article and ought to have described his behavior as aggressive.
But with her, it's a constant struggle for me to balance the assertiveness without being aggressive. I have no issue with my child speaking up for herself, but I don't want her to always be the one who opposes everyone either, KWIM? And it has nothing to do with being a girl; it has to do with being a decent human being.
But overall, I do find people's expectations vary based on gender.
This realisation is horrible to me - am I stifling her own assertiveness? I shall have to think about this, and try to curb my 'helicopter mom' tendencies!
On the Obama/Clinton thing - I think he is taking a cheap shot at her now over NAFTA - a low blow considering that in the Texas Debate she honestly, and clearly said that she would be for a review of existing trade agreements, attempting to close loopholes that are permitting large scale export of US jobs, and improving the trade laws that are currently in place. This to me is not the 'turning her back on NAFTA' that Obama is accusing her of. I think she has every right to speak out angrily about it.
As for this post as strictly a "playground rules" post, I would like to take a few parents over my lap and "whip 'em good" for leaving their children entirely unattended while they torment others. Because two girls sat at the top of the stairs to a slide and told every child that came behind them "you're too little, you can't come up here" my daughter has forever after been afraid of going up them without someone helping her. If the girls hadn't done it at least three times, I might have ignored it, but they kept doing it, and their parents were oblivious. When I finally said "Stop it" in a quiet, calm voice to them, they were utterly shocked. I don't think anyone has ever done that to them.
Sorry, I know this comment is completely unrelated, but I just felt like sharing.
My daughter is extremely defiant and vocal about getting her way, but is quick to say sorry all the time (what is it about males that make them unable to apologize, do they really hate to admit they have wronged someone?). She says sorry so much that I have to correct her all the time and tell her NOT to say sorry for something that isn't her fault. She bosses her brother around, demanding that he pull her around on the sled (yes daggers coming from my eyes!). She sometimes says mean things to us and grandma, where my son would never utter mean words like that. Lets just say she is more challenging of the two. But she is sweet at school and overly nice and considerate with her friends, just like the stereotype.
In the end, it looks like I have pretty typical kids. BTW, your mention of the zoo incident reminds me of an incident we experienced yesterday at a hockey game that I'll definitely have to blog about..
The extent to which gender plays a part in my almost subconscious parenting choices has astounded me. But, equally, I wonder where else I could draw the line. Of course, we have to be nice to everyone, but in putting emphasis on being nice "to girls" I find myself giving them a special status which is no better than the parents who feel it's okay for the little boys to constantly control the ball.
I think that much(and much more tha a bit) of the rhetoric being used against Sen. Clinton is sexist, but I can certainly understand that there are many good questions about her.
Did that sentence make any sense?
I loved this post -- very thought-provoking. It's a subject that fascinates me.
But, equally funny (to me at least), as a 'girl' raising two boys, I am adament that my boys will share, take turns, not push, take the feelings and rights of others into consideration...
Also I just finished a book called "Raising Boys" and it explains quite a bit about testosterone... The aggression, competition, barreling through, wrestling - all from that. And "they" say that girls who are more assertive at young ages probably have higher levels of it.
I do think Clinton is held to a different standard. Whether we can avoid that 100%, it's hard to say. I hope so.
But yes, I think that subconsciously we do respond differently based on gender stereotypes.
As far as Clinton, remember when her eyes welled up with tears in ONE interview and the headlines were like "Hillary LOSES it!" and such? That was a clearly tied to her being female.
I agree with Andrea that we unconsciously support gender differences. And even if you don't do it at home, there's a whole world right outside the door that's going to do that for you.
Part of that will be about you as parents. If you have an assertive (ahem) father, chances are he will want junior to emulate him. If you have a sensitive father, this will be highlighted in his son.
If you have a mother who has fought the good fight, rest assured she will be in her daughter's corner pushing for her rights. A mother who has found passive and pretty works for her will give those qualities more polish in her girl.
However - we have a wider community at play out there, and there is quite a bit of its expectations and experience that are infused into the child too.
Once children start to encounter each other in playground, school or other social settings, the sifting begins and those who have been prepared to be typical of the society will fit more smoothly into these situations.
And yes, it does carry into adulthood, and yes it should not be as impactive - but yes, we do end up trying our best to "work from within the system" rather than buck the whole thing when we get big enough.
What that has to do with Hilary I don't really know as I try to avoid American politics - if they don't play smarter I am sure another Republican will win - however, over here the deputy Prime Minister gets flack all the time. Because she is a redhead, a fighter, single and a woman.
On the upside, a men's magazine recently voted her second sexiest Aussie woman (after Jennifer Hawkins, ex Ms Planet), so she must be doing something right. (Please note, tongue is firmly in cheek at that comment).
My boys are certainly low in aggressiveness. And at least one of them is also low in assertiveness.
I hope I haven't been so bound and determined to raise them in a nonsexist fashion that I've gone too far, LOL!
So I say encourage what is naturally inherent in your child. Screw societal expectations and watch your kid be comfy in their own skin.
and i say, hell yes. i do this already with M sometimes. and in terms of the bigger picture, yes and yes again.
http://theangryblackwoman.wordpress.com/2008/02/26/the-strong-woman-emasculated-man/
Enjoy!
I have 2 boys. They can both be aggressive little brutes at times. Hollis tends to be less so in unfamiliar situations. But if some kid cuts in front of him in line, he speaks up or asks for help.
Funnily enough, I was a pretty timid kid until about 12 or 13. I still take turns and wait patiently in line. But I think many people I know would describe me as aggressive. Perhaps men I work with would describe me as "pushy" or "bitchy" even. (I take it as a compliment, even if it's not meant that way.) Even my personality type on the Myers-Briggs is one that is typically associated with men. My mother is the same way.
I wonder if I would notice a difference in a girl. I agree that it absolutely does happen, whether unconsciously or not and I wonder if it's something we can consciously retrain ourselves to undo.