Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I WANT! Or the Hump Day Hmm Pet Peeve Fest for December 12, 2007


NOTE to ALL: You don't have to write a new post for the Hmm. Old or new, short or long, funny or serious, any post on topic is welcome. So...get busy adding in your links below. Don't give me another reason to Dread December. ;)

Today's topic for the Hump Day Hmm is pet peeves, the unique to me ones...and why. The mind boggles at where to begin. Oh I have so many peeves. Let's think of a few off the top of my head.

* People who talk on those ear bud phones. In public. While making eye contact with you. Okay...just cell phones and rampant abuse thereof in general. Such as in restaurants, at a table for two, with one person shoveling bread in his/her mouth while the other gabs with someone not even there.

* People who cut me off in traffic (deliberately, because they are clearly more important).

* Boys with pants hanging off their rear ends (especially if they wear stripey boxer shorts).

* Meat with bones.

* Mispronouncing words (on purpose, such as gahy-raj for garage---they don't even say it like that in France) (or Eye-tal-yun for Italian).

* Mocking the fun.

* Sloppy bag loading at the grocery store.

* Sandwhich (NO H!).

* Irregardless and myself (as in, irregardless, myself and Jon are going to a Christmas party. GAH!) (and OH MY STARS! The dictionary recognizes that word now. GAH!!!!).

* Acting like I'm the stupid one when you don't get my jokes or references. (You guys know I'm completely mocking myself here, don't you?)

I must walk around constantly irritated. Sadly, that's not half wrong. I don't do a very good imitation of a duck. (Water rolling off the back.)

Be glad of that. You people need people like me. We do things.

But really, I don't dwell. Much.

Also, these are not the peeves I'll discuss. Oh no. I have one today that trumps the rest:

I want.

That's right, two little words. I want.

It started the second we walked through the doors of the store.

By the time we got to the middle of the store---the area I lovingly refer to as the Fire Swamp* of Three Terrors: 1. Seasonal-themed cheap clothing, 2. Pajamas, and 3. Accessories---I was worn out from wants and pleas, not to mention the escalating threats.

Thus, when we passed gloves---gloves! here! why?---I was right at Meltdown. I'd had more than enough of the endless I want chorus.

Removing the children from the Kiddie Lingerie section...sigh. Screaming. Mom trying to pretend she's got it in hand. Mom trying to pretend she's not ready to lose her cool. Kids trying to wear down my resistance through volume.

I'd have walked out if it had been a choice.

One item left: the ornament for the exchange.

I quickly hustled to the holiday section, snagged the first nice ornament that caught my eye, and sped to the front where we were confronted by so many terrors I decided the Fire Swamp needed to be expanded to include:

* people counting out over $200 in cash (small bills) and change to pay, then writing a check to cover the difference

* at one of only two checkout lanes open

* with apparently a newish clerk who was very careful and methodical (read: slow)

* at a candy aisle

The Final Meltdown.

It was over a package of Gummy Bears.

"THAT'S IT!" I shrilled, "NO CANDY! NO MORE CANDY EVER! And one more thing...if either of you starts a sentence with the words 'I want' before bed tonight? I WILL LET SANTA IN THE HOUSE!"

They stared at me, shocked; what kind of sadistic mom threatens her kids with Santa...in the house?

Back up the truck a second. When Patience was three she decided to reject the entire fallacy of Santa.

Follow her logic:

1. A big fat man cannot fit in a chimney.

2. Mommy and Daddy would not let a big fat man in their chimney because the rule is clear: no strangers, jolly cheeks and bowl of jelly bellies or no, in the house.

However, on the off-chance that Santa was real---and everyone around her seemed quite convinced of this---she had a few stipulations about the entire Santa experience:

1. He may bring her gifts.

2. However, the aforementioned gifts must be left on her patio in a civilized fashion, preferably in daylight, when Mommy and Daddy are home to sign for them (Santa in a UPS truck?).

3. If the above is unacceptable, Santa may ship the gifts and Mommy and Daddy can sign for them (Elf in a UPS truck?).

4. If shipping trucks do not run in the North Pole---is the ice and snow and cold an inhibiting factor, Mommy?---then (big sigh) she'll just do without.

Miss Patience regrets (she's unable to accept gifts today).**

Our compromise: Santa would take the gifts to Grandma's house. Grandma knows Santa (Santa in the AARP?) so it's okay if he goes to her house. We'll go over and get the gifts from her house.

And we did.

However, each year, she reminds all and sundry about The Santa Rules. This year, I heard her reminding Jon.

"Daddy, we're not letting That Stranger in our house this year, are we?" she asked, referring once again to Santa.

"Uhh, no, of course not," replied her dad.

"Good," she said firmly, "Not, of course, that I'm worried. I mean, Santa's silly. You can't expect anyone to believe everyone's okay with some stranger coming down the chimney once a year. Anyway flying around the world and going down chimneys to deliver toys would take magic, and magic isn't for real. It's just silly. Nobody can know who's naughty or nice all the time, anyway. Unless he's God. And of course Santa's not God. Or we'd call him God, not Santa."

GULP.

At five.

But HA HA HA HA HA HA HA that she did it to Dad. I can laugh because I'm mean like that.


So there we were in line and I had just threatened my kids with Santa, after forbidding them to say 'I want.'

And what happened?

I hear, "Julie? Is that you?"

Oh how I wish I could have been the calm, cool, collected, pulled-together mom rather than a great billboard for birth control. Oh how I wish I could have chatted with this nice lady. Instead, she beat a slightly hasty retreat from the crazy lady riding herd on deranged lunatics.

And that, my friends, is my biggest peeve of all: being the crazy lady. For, I think, fairly obvious reasons.

* Princess Bride. Now you can laugh.

** Miss Otis Regrets (She's Unable to Lunch Today). Cole Porter. Now you can laugh.

So...what peeves and tales did others have?


Some music for your listening pleasure (completely pertinent---an excellent theme song for me right now):


P.S. Feel free to suggest topics for future Hump Day Hmms.

Copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
Also blogging at:
Using My Words
Julie Pippert REVIEWS: Get a real opinion about BOOKS, MUSIC and MORE
Julie Pippert RECOMMENDS: A real opinion about HELPFUL and TIME-SAVING products
Moms Speak Up: Talking about the environment, dangerous imports, health care, food safety, media and marketing, education, politics and many other hot topics of concern.

26 comments:

liv said...

"Mispronouncing words (on purpose, such as gahy-raj for garage---they don't even say it like that in France) (or Eye-tal-yun for Italian)."

ummm....let's just plan not to meet up IRL, jp, because you would be driven crazy by me. okay, baybay?

the dragonfly said...

I just have to say that the Santa Rules crack me up!!! :)

Suz said...

The Santa rules are hysterical... and the pet peeve about the $200.00 with the check? I'm so there.

Rebecca said...

Hi, Julie, Great post. Most of my pet peeves have to do with me not being treated as the queen I so richly deserve to be. Like...being cut off on the freeway, having someone else get waited on before me (when I was there first), things like that. Oh, oh, then there's the misuse of language....using "Can" instead of "may." "Can I have that book?" ("Hmmm, I don't know...CAN you?"). Inappropriate use of apostrophes. I could go on and on.

Thanks for the laugh.

Blessed be! Life is good.
Rebecca

Kyla said...

You know, BubTar feels similarly about the tooth fairy. He hasn't given up a single tooth since that first one he sold and regretted so much. He's asked me for confirmation that she can't take anything he doesn't put under his pillow, but I she's still not trusted. I've never met another child who would rather hoard their used teeth than make a few bucks, but that's my kid. I think his problem is that the Tooth Fairy TAKES things (even though she leaves compensation), but Santa only leaves things. Good things.

And the rest of the trip just reminded me of this. You've probably already seen it, but it always cracks me up. And usually it makes me feel better because, well, my kids don't usually (usually, key word) make THAT big of a scene.

Family Adventure said...

The Santa Rules rock!

"I want"...argh...right up there on my list, too. And I hate, hate, hate how all the stores have candy and other junk at kid level at check-out.
Heidi

Kellan said...

Hi Julie - Yep ... "I want" is a big pet peeve of mine too. Also, "That's not fair." I don't have all that many pet peeves, but I do not like smacking - smacking food or gum - hate it!

Have a good day. See you soon. Kellan

Emily said...

You just KNOW my aunt used the word "irregardless" all the time. When I moved out of her house and figured out it was not a real word, it entered my list of pet peeves, too.

melissa said...

Yep. I'm there with the other gammmarians. Drives me insane. All the more so since the chief offender in my life is my MIL.

And I LOVE Princess Bride! Alamo Drafthouse here in Austin has a PB quote party. Awesome!

WrapAroundSam said...

Peeves?
1. Christmas season begins before Thanksgiving.
2. Christmas music about 6 weeks before Christmas.

Lawyer Mama said...

Irregardless drives me insane. As does "um" when people are speaking in front of a group. Popping gum, spitting in public, tossing trash out of the car, truck balls, and asshats who cruise in the HOV lane when they're clearly alone in the car. All of these drive me batty. But for my HHH, I went on more of a rant on 1 particular subject....

Mad Hatter said...

1. "very unique"

2. Old timer hockey players who skate like hot dogs around us novices during the lunch hour free skate.

we_be_toys said...

See now I knew exactly what you were referencing, both times, because:
a) I love the book The Princess Bride (the film is good too)
b) I love Cole Porter songs, especially when Ella Fitzgerald sings them.
OK, now I have to go think of a few peeves you didn't already list.

Mama Drama Jenny said...

Pet peeves - "Fustrated" and "li'l".

Also...mocking the fun? Amen, my friend.

painted maypole said...

I LOVE THE SANTA RULES!

Sober Briquette said...

I WILL let Santa in! ROLF.

I don't know how you do it.

Magpie said...

So, I guess you don't call Target "Tarjay"?

I thought the line about Santa was a typo at first...funny, that kid of yours.

Gwen said...

As I shared with deb yesterday, this crazy lady (uh, me) told her 4 year old that Disney make-up will give her cancer and that's why she's not getting any. So you are not the only driven around the bend with the "I wants."

And while I recognize many grammatical errors, I can't be too hard on the people who use them because every other word out of my sloppy little girl pie hole is "like." And that's annoying.

Kathryn said...

Great post! I think "I want" must be at the top of my list too. Like nails on a chalkboard.
I love the Santa rules!

wright said...

Joining in for the fun. I completely agree with the bad bagging of groceries!!! I hate it when they put raw meat with other things! Can you say health hazard?!

Wright
www.igottatheory.blogspot.com

Professor J said...

Mispronounced words? How about "nuculer?" That one really gets me.

Katie said...

Wow your timing for this "Pet Peeve" one is amazing! Yesterday I did a post on my BIGGEST PET PEEVE EVER, which is the fact that people lump my birthday (December 17th) and Christmas, together! I've added my auto-link.

I agree with a lot of your points, especially the one about people talking on their phones - I once had to endure a woman screaming down the phone at her ex-husband over custody, in a packed train, for one.hour!

Katie @ A Byootaful Life

alejna said...

A fine list. I love the Santa business. That's just so great.

I think I'm pretty safe as your peeves go, but I will confess to an occasional intentional mispronunciation of words for fun. For example, I like to talk about averting a "cat ass trophy," and I've been known to call the item that gauges the temperature a "therm-oh-meter." Don't you mock my fun!

Oh, and boys with pants hanging off their behinds drive me batty, too. There's a video (on a DVD my daughter likes) that I can't even bear to watch that has a guy dancing around with his pants apparently defying gravity. I must turn away or skip to the next song when it comes on.

Christine said...

santa rules?!?! hahaha!

i love that kid.

Cathy said...

Santa rules and threats from Mommy to let the jolly old guy into the house?

That is absolutely hilarious!

(really, she has some valid concerns)

SciFi Dad said...

One day, if there is a just force controlling the cosmos, we will be using the phrase "President Patience" and the ills of your country will be fixed. Someone with that much common sense could solve everything in one term.