It starts right after Thanksgiving and sometimes even before: the gift wish list. I start getting them from others and others begin requesting them from us.What do you want? What do the girls want?
It's an impossible question for me to answer.
I want world peace. I want my kitchen cabinets refinished. I want my half bath downstairs finished. I want a new bathtub. A new patio. A major purge of the girls' closets. My kids to grow up happy and healthy. Someone to install my new outlets for me so I don't have to do it (and yes thankyouverymuch I know how). I want a personal chef who is completely organic and will make us go vegan three times a week. I want my new flooring in. I want to make sure every child has a place to live that is safe and access to health care. I think you get the gist.
I don't think you can find these things at a mall or put them easily in a box.
So I struggle for things to tell people and I struggle against my intense dislike of wish lists. I realize I am alone in this dislike, at least among the people I know.
I know this because they get so frustrated with me and what they feel are my ridiculous answers, such as, "You know what I enjoy, what the kids enjoy...we'll appreciate whatever you get. We don't need gifts so it's a pleasure just to get one, and I love seeing what people think I'll like, finding out new things."
I'm sure I sound frustrating and full of crap.
And yet, I am sincere. I don't feel that wish lists are in what I think of as the spirit of the season.
I used to do wish lists. I did them joyfully as a child, imagining getting everything on my list exactly as I had it in my mind. That, by the way, never happened. I got confused: why did you ask what I wanted if you didn't plan to get it? I fought disappointment intermingled with gratitude and excitement. I didn't want two sides of a coin for gift receiving. I just wanted to have the happy and grateful side.
So I shut down my expectations and quit listing wishes.
Out of context, that might sound sad. But in context, it opened me up to enjoying gift giving and receiving a lot more. I ignored others' wish lists and quit driving myself crazy trying to match exactly items from the list. I refused to provide wish lists. And I enjoyed shopping more, giving more, and receiving more. It came from the heart...not a list.
For example, I'd not heard of nor read The Thirteenth Tale last Christmas when my sister-in-law got it for me. I don't think I would have thought to pick it up but on my behalf she took the time to read through several books and select one she thought was "up my alley." I loved that gift.
I would never have thought to get a metal sculpture of a dog that holds a "welcome" sign for my front yard. But my aunt did and it remains one of my favorite things to this day. She "got" that I am quirky and like decoration like that. She got that from caring about me, not from a list.
It never occurred to me to want a set of collapsible measuring cups and collanders, but my stepmother (an ace shopper) knew how much she liked hers and got some for me. I love them!
What a surprise. What a joy.
I like stepping out of my life a little and getting pieces of people I love...pieces of them that they think relate to pieces of me.
I think that's the spirit of the season.
In case you are wondering, I don't ask my kids to write lists. I don't want birthdays and Christmas to be about the presents, anyway. Being together and having a good time is the gift.
My kids understand they get presents, and they look forward to it. They do think about things they'd like. I say, "I'll keep that in mind," every time the kids spot something and cry, "I want!"
Patience, on her own (probably prompted by a relative) wrote up a wish list for gifts. I couldn't discourage the writing exercise. But I reminded her that these were ideas, only. I shared the list with family, who were thrilled. On our end, I downplayed it, that list of gift wishes. Instead I focused on how cool it was that she figured out how to write all of that. In the excitement of clearly moving up a reader level, I think she might have forgotten what was on the list. It hasn't come back up again.
Maybe we have gotten the point across or maybe the time hasn't hit yet and we'll have something to deal with down the road, but so far, my kids don't make a big deal about gifts and lists and expectations and disappointment. So far they are thrilled to get anything, still. So far, they aren't worried about what someone else expects when we shop for a gift. So far, they think hard about who that person is and what would make a good gift. They are excellent gift choosers, my girls, thoughtful and on target.
I love that, all of it---the giving and receiving attitudes. I hope it's that way forever.
What's your policy about wish lists and gifts? How does your family handle gift-giving times?
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Comments
Usually I don't really care enough about people to think about the gifts I give them - my bad. So I tell my "guardians" to just give money and be done with it. The kids can buy what they want. We don't have Christmas in such big fashion here, so gift-giving season is Durga Puja. I let the adults worry about it, to be honest. And I tell the people who give me gifts(most of whom have no taste whatsoever) to give me money and let me buy my own things.
For the few people I care about, I either tend to remember things they asked for a long time ago, or things I think go with their personality and my budget :P.
Emily R
But for giving - I almost never work off of a list (or registry) - I prefer to give something that I like and that I think they'll like. Or that I have fun with, or fun making. I just think it's nicer that way.
We often give to charities to honor our dads - who ask for nothing and need nothing, so they offer receive that and some mixed nuts with chocolate from trade joe's so they have a treat to open from the kids. I want my kids to have things to hand to people, not just be the ones receiving.
Your gift surprises sound like lots of fun, maybe we'll try it!
nothing about getting stuff makes me happy.
bah humbug and all of that.
jules, we are working on something that might assuage some of this for you. check in for a JP update tomorrow.
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Kyla, when people say I am so hard to buy for, I really think it is more about them and what gifting is to them than about me. I am really ridiculously easily pleased.
I can't imagine you being hard to buy for, really. I can think of so many things you might enjoy or that you deserve. :)
My FIL and BIL are all into science fiction series and DVDs and stuff I don't know so I skip that---figure they will get it for themselves anyway. I get them things they might not get for themselves. So far I have NEVER pleased my BIL but eh I'm optimistic LOL.
I suppose your method is better---getting a specific item to buy within their hobbies. And I probably ought to do that. I just like to keep trying though LOL.
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Jen, I've meant to contact you. I have something---an idea not stuff LOL---so I will check in tomorrow.
As I confessed to another blogger today stuff makes me jittery but I do enjoy getting gifts.
We have purged purged purged today in anticipation. If I have empty spaces in my house I am not so jittery about getting stuff.
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Karen, now I like that idea too! Framing pictures. And donating to charities for parents. I also think it's a good idea to make it about exchanging, not being the limelight receiver.
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Liv, if I could I'd be there for you...I've got some green apple vodka...
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Magpie, I have that book and music wish list for myself too LOL...helps me keep track of items I'm wanting so when I can I get them.
And yes, you sound like you give like I do.
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Emily, yes, that's a great idea. I asked for that but my people are people of stuff.
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Suki, that makes so much sense.
It's also acknowledging that when people are looking to buy a gift for me, their intention is for me to enjoy it. I always appreciate their time, effort, and their expense. They get my appreciation, but what they want is my enjoyment. By revealing what I might like, I am respecting that intention.
I am intuitive and perceptive, and these qualities helps me to pick out those things that others will love or truly need. But I sympathize with the fact that not everyone I know just knows what I want, or (more importantly) what I need. So, when they ask I tell them. On my wish list, I tell them without their having to ask.
That said, I actually agree with much of what you have written here, which is one of the reasons I have shied away from asking for things in the past, including my feelings of unworthiness. Hence the ambivalence. I haven't come to a firm decision on either side, but this will definitely give me more to mull over.
The Callipygian Chronicle
It took a lot to break me away from my childhood shame of desire - because just *wanting* was seen as wrong - to reveling in being alive, being human, and liking gifts. Feeling worthy, as Yolanda said. My sister started the very-specific-list thing a few years ago, and I've found it helpful. Sometimes I've *needed* something and just didn't have the money for it, and it was great to have someone give that to me.
Hmmm... lots to ponder. I think wanting is just... human. I was shamed for wanting as a child, and it didn't make me experience want any less.
Personally, I think my children are spoiled. They don't ask for a lot, but they usually do end up getting what they ask for - which obviously makes them expect it next time around. I try to tell them there's no guarantee that they'll get what they ask for, but actions speak louder than words, I'm afraid.
Heidi
I don't think it's terribly impolite to ask, and for people to provide a list. It is a stressful time, with work and then all of the shopping stacked on top of it. Sometimes creativity isn't exactly within reach. If you'd rather not get gifts then ask for charitable donations and save someone a nervous breakdown :)
I tried this last year at Christmas and got the most lovely gifts. I anticipate the same this year.
A few years ago I convinced my children that Father Christmas only brought them 3 presents each and a stocking - they believed me.
As for everyone else, I prefer to receive the quirkie personal, even if it's a mis-fire, at least they tried.
Cheers
"Whittereronautism"
As far as making wishlists, I'm actually in favor of it. My in-laws requested that we put together a list for our daughter, and I was happy to do so. At least it gives us a way of showing what kinds of toys and books we like. We only mention it to people if they ask.
That being said, I'd be happier to do away with much of the gift exchanging. I like the idea of giving to charities, and I'm doing some Heifer International gifts this year.
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Heidi I go back and forth about gifting only the children. It would be more economical. It would make sense. But then again, there is that joy of giving. We only do immediate family though.
Address the counterpoints and other good points that gently and fairly differ from mine?
Or let them lie, strong and valid on their own, just different?
I'm torn.
There are so many levels of reasons why the gift list troubles me and so much history behind it.
I tried to share a few of them, but it's all about POV.
I think it really depends upon how you view the holidays and gift giving.
It really is the thought that counts for me. I wish people I knew believed that, in general, and had less stress about gift buying and giving.
I have conversations with my MIL, give her hints and ideas about our family. I don't mind that sort of thing. It's a nice chat, actually.
Flutter, your charitable donation idea is a great one and is one I believe strongly in. I always ask for donations.
Unfortunately, this is an unacceptable option to the people who buy me gifts.
Since I think giving and receiving is about both parties, both views are important but someone has to give. Since they are the giver, it seems right that I compromise.
It gives them a lot of joy to have this whole process of buying an object, wrapping it, setting it under a tree, having the recipient unwrap it and hold it. Enjoy it.
I think I am related to a lot of kinetic learners.
I am odd man out I guess. LOL
I just want to say I'm so glad everyone answered so honestly. You've all given me much to ponder, too.
A few people, though, I shop for with just them in mind. My Grandmother. She never makes list, doesn't have a lot of practical needs, it's just a gift to show her I love her on Christmas Day, and it's exactly what you described...something I choose because I think she'll enjoy it, a token of all she means to me. It really is the embodiment of the spirit of Christmas.
and i have a lot of your posts to catch up on!
xoxo
Running on empty
And I find, whenever I'm having trouble thinking of what to get for a person, it helps to go super-cheap. It ends up being more fun that way. Believe it or not, I couldn't think what to get my son for his 16th birthday; so I picked up a bag of gummy bears. And he liked them!
I also adore Yankee Swaps - nothing over 10 dollars (sometimes we say 5 dollars or less), it forces people to get creative. And everyone has such a blast "stealing" the presents from each other. Until you've seen 2 grown-ups fighting over a froggy ornament, you don't know what fun is.
I like to use wish lists as a guide but veer off the mark and get a little creative.
Definitely, the gifts I enjoy giving - and getting - the most are those that are totally unexpected.
My brother's ex-fiance's family had this whole wish list thing and you were ONLY supposed to buy from the list. You should have heard the ex-fiance's sister when I told her I'd picked out a Wedgewood clock for her sister in London. Then and there I swore I would NEVER make a wish list. Ever.