Friday, June 22, 2007

NBC...any interest in interviewing a suburban mom after a jail stint?

Dear NBC Executives,

The rumor mill just spit out some grist to the alleged effect that you have won a network bidding battle for rights to interview Paris Hilton as she exits jail next week. Further grist has it that you are paying her $1 million (which is up from the $750,000 I heard on NPR this morning) for the rights (are they rights? Privileges? just wondering...). I hear it's not even exclusive, just first priority.

If a few days in jail---in an isolated VIP cell---can net a person close to a million dollars for one interview, allow me to express my willingness to serve some time.

Frankly, the thought of utter isolation for 5-10 days sounds like a vacation to this overworked mom.

Therefore, I'm here to offer you a one-time opportunity for the rights to interview me upon my departure from jail.

I prefer to not commit a crime---it goes against my ethics---but possibly we could frame it as "Undercover Mom Serves Time while Getting the Dirt on What Goes on Behind Bars." (If "cougar" markets better, I am willing to concede that, but under duress as I am opposed to the term, and do not qualify because I am not rich.)

You network people like that dirt part, don't you?

I'm sure you'll have a preconceived angle. I'm willing to flow with that but it will cost you an extra $50,000 for each departure from the truth that you want.

I'm not as young, pretty, or aimless as Paris, nor am I famous for no reason (or any reason, actually) but thanks to that new reality TV show I hear 40 is the new twenty and nearly middle-aged women are considered pretty hot. I'm willing to get a full wardrobe and self makeover (at your expense, and I keep it all). Plus, I can read, and have even been known to write a little.

I hope I have come across as greedy, self-serving, amoral, and dirt-mongering as you like. If not, please know I am perfectly able to tone it up four to five notches. Or more. As needed.

Sincerely, Julie Pippert


jen said...


Mrs. Chicky said...

My husband just told me about this. I thought he was joking.

I'm disgusted and I think I'll move to Canada now.

thailandchani said...

Hey, maybe when they're done with you, they'd like to pay me a million, too! You know, after all, I'm Thailand Gal, the caucasian woman who has chosen to adopt Thai culture in a western setting.


That one million would get me to Thailand in comfort. A little house in Khon Kaen. A really good computer set-up. Guaranteed income each month. Heck, I could even take a friend!

Yuh. Um. Well. Anyway. :)

It was worth a try. But I'm afraid we'd probably both have to have sex tapes on the market, hang out in clubs with our ditzy friends and be named after a major European city to draw any attention from Meredith Vierra, et. al.



Julie Pippert said...

I did think of a crime I am willing to commit: protesting without a license.

How about right outside NBC headquarters? Anyone want to get arrested en masse? We can form a gang. $1 million is a lot of money. I'd behappy to split it several ways. ;)

Mrs. Chicky, I know, it really is the epitome of all that disgusts me about this area of meda. Is Canada any better?

Julie Pippert said...

Well Chani, not to be tacky or cocky but...I do have one aspect to my life that would interest Meredith: I drink wine and spirits, sometimes in front of my children...who I have been known to let try a sip so they'll go, "EWWW YUCK!" and leave off the incessant requests for "Just one try please?"

LOL ;)

Now all YOU need is a little spin:

"Woman departs US in disgust after NBC pays Pointless Faux Celebrity $1 million to detail her jail cell experiences on TV."


Magpie said...

I vote for you!!

ALM said...

I'd join you on the protest & just think, if we get feisty enough they just *might* toss us in the clink!

And, going on with that thought...I'm thinkin' if they think the two of us are some sorta gay thing (they always think two women together are gay - and I have short hair!!) we could get more than a cool mil each!!

Ahhh, a person can dream....

Lawyer Mama said...

Julie - Just come hang out at the beach with me & drink rum & coke & Meredith will be all over us like white on rice! You wouldn't have to do anything more amoral than maybe toss a little alcohol on the kids.

slouching mom said...

LM -- LOL!

Julie: This is a riot. Hey, I'll tell you what -- I was born in Iran. That could add some je ne sais quoi to this fast-growing posse of ours!

flutter said...

can they pay me a million to sit on my butt and knit?

Kyla said...

Right on, Julie. I can't believe she's making a million off of her oh-so-brief jail time. Good God.

Christine said...

This was hilarious! I could use a quiet 5-10 days myself. 1 million? Outrageous. She better fricken' donate it to charity. But I doubt she will.

Ally said...

Well said, clever Julie!

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

Gwen said...

She can't be so stupid as to NOT donate the money to charity. Can she? CAN SHE?

kaliroz said...

I have an idea ... Julie and Chani you need to make a sex tape together.

After that you and lawyer mom can toss alcohol on children and the rest of us can protest outside NBC. (While there I will personally revoke his status as a Bobcat. He went to the same school I did and I feel he's sullying its good name.)

As a journo myself, paying for an interview has me really, really, really angry.

kaliroz said...

The his in my post is Matt Lauer. I forgot to write his name.

Julie Pippert said...

Okay let me make sure I have the plan down:

We will protest outside the NBC studios WITHOUT A PERMIT.

We will be a loud and raucous gang (shall we all wear certain colors or head bandanas?).

Some of us will carry signs exhorting that Matt and Meredith be stripped of the title "journalist" and renamed "fluff-n-scandal mongerers."

Others will carry signs protesting the Vast and Vapid Emptiness of Modern Media and Celebrity. Instead of the Nietzsche-ian "God is dead," our signs will scream "Thought is dead."

We will be arrested.

During our stint in prison, it will be discovered that Chani and I made a sex video of pigs (or the typos would have it) rolling in muck. It is discovered that Alm is responsible for distributing this video in educational jackets without a Parental Advisory.

It will be revealed that Chani is a Thailand Gal. People will try to figure out if this is a code word, such as for Mata Hari. SM is discovered to have been born in Iran, exactly AHEM years before they were known to be FOBs (Friends of Bush). Their status is a red flag to the Gestapo, I mean Homeland Security.

Photos will be found of me and LawyerMama on a beach boozing it up with wine coolers, no wait, make that Boone's Farm Strawberry. In one photo we are laughing as our children use the empty bottles to build sandcastles. Our depravity is now established.

Magpie, Flutter, and Ally begin a Knit for Prosperity campaign. They are knitting signs per instruction of Gwen, Kyla, and Christine, "Donate or else, you pigs (or pugs)."

Jen and Mrs. Chicky are baking files in cakes for the lot of us prisoners.

Roz is acting as our agent, negotiating with the media.

She nets us a cool $2.43 million with Fox and we all retire happily ever after.

That about it?

Or should we all appear on some "where are they now" reality TV show in about ten years? Ooohh hosted by PARIS HILTON!!

Christine said...

Julie you rock, dude!

thailandchani said...

LOL... This is about the funniest thread I've read in a long time!



Cecilieaux said...

How about a show about nothing?

Julie Pippert said...

Cecilieaux, yeah, already been done.

Hmm. That never stops TV.

How about a show about nothing, set in Duluth?

Seinfeld: Duluth

We could even spin it further!

Seinfeld: Champaign-Urbana

Seinfeld: Truth-or-Consequences

Feel free to add on.

or possibly, it's not the setting in queston, but the theme.

Seinfeld: Elaine

Seinfeld: George

Seinfeld: Jerry's Mom

Chani, because you are good about always keeping me honest in this way, I want to make sure that all know EVERYONE IS WELCOME.

Mary-LUE said...

Oh, goodness, I have nothing to add to this deliciousness! I do love that the reason Ms. Hilton would even rate so much money for an interview is because she got famous for being rich! Obviously she needs the money! D'oh!

Catherine said...

That IS nuts.
Great response though. :)

NotSoSage said...

Whoa. I showed up way too late in the game for this, but this is hilarious.

And Duluth is getting awfully close to Canada which, according to one (unfounded) rumour, got it's name from Spanish explorers looking at it and saying, "Ca, nada." A whole country about nothing.

Jenny said...

The only reason Paris is so popular is because of her sex tape. All you need to do is release your sex tape before getting arrested.

You do have a sex tape, don't you?

Emily said...

I feel so left out. Guess I'll have to wait for my million dollars...

Thanks for a much needed laugh.