Dear NBC Executives,
The rumor mill just spit out some grist to the alleged effect that you have won a network bidding battle for rights to interview Paris Hilton as she exits jail next week. Further grist has it that you are paying her $1 million (which is up from the $750,000 I heard on NPR this morning) for the rights (are they rights? Privileges? just wondering...). I hear it's not even exclusive, just first priority.
If a few days in jail---in an isolated VIP cell---can net a person close to a million dollars for one interview, allow me to express my willingness to serve some time.
Frankly, the thought of utter isolation for 5-10 days sounds like a vacation to this overworked mom.
Therefore, I'm here to offer you a one-time opportunity for the rights to interview me upon my departure from jail.
I prefer to not commit a crime---it goes against my ethics---but possibly we could frame it as "Undercover Mom Serves Time while Getting the Dirt on What Goes on Behind Bars." (If "cougar" markets better, I am willing to concede that, but under duress as I am opposed to the term, and do not qualify because I am not rich.)
You network people like that dirt part, don't you?
I'm sure you'll have a preconceived angle. I'm willing to flow with that but it will cost you an extra $50,000 for each departure from the truth that you want.
I'm not as young, pretty, or aimless as Paris, nor am I famous for no reason (or any reason, actually) but thanks to that new reality TV show I hear 40 is the new twenty and nearly middle-aged women are considered pretty hot. I'm willing to get a full wardrobe and self makeover (at your expense, and I keep it all). Plus, I can read, and have even been known to write a little.
I hope I have come across as greedy, self-serving, amoral, and dirt-mongering as you like. If not, please know I am perfectly able to tone it up four to five notches. Or more. As needed.
Sincerely, Julie Pippert