Dear NBC Executives,
The rumor mill just spit out some grist to the alleged effect that you have won a network bidding battle for rights to interview Paris Hilton as she exits jail next week. Further grist has it that you are paying her $1 million (which is up from the $750,000 I heard on NPR this morning) for the rights (are they rights? Privileges? just wondering...). I hear it's not even exclusive, just first priority.
If a few days in jail---in an isolated VIP cell---can net a person close to a million dollars for one interview, allow me to express my willingness to serve some time.
Frankly, the thought of utter isolation for 5-10 days sounds like a vacation to this overworked mom.
Therefore, I'm here to offer you a one-time opportunity for the rights to interview me upon my departure from jail.
I prefer to not commit a crime---it goes against my ethics---but possibly we could frame it as "Undercover Mom Serves Time while Getting the Dirt on What Goes on Behind Bars." (If "cougar" markets better, I am willing to concede that, but under duress as I am opposed to the term, and do not qualify because I am not rich.)
You network people like that dirt part, don't you?
I'm sure you'll have a preconceived angle. I'm willing to flow with that but it will cost you an extra $50,000 for each departure from the truth that you want.
I'm not as young, pretty, or aimless as Paris, nor am I famous for no reason (or any reason, actually) but thanks to that new reality TV show I hear 40 is the new twenty and nearly middle-aged women are considered pretty hot. I'm willing to get a full wardrobe and self makeover (at your expense, and I keep it all). Plus, I can read, and have even been known to write a little.
I hope I have come across as greedy, self-serving, amoral, and dirt-mongering as you like. If not, please know I am perfectly able to tone it up four to five notches. Or more. As needed.
Sincerely, Julie Pippert
The rumor mill just spit out some grist to the alleged effect that you have won a network bidding battle for rights to interview Paris Hilton as she exits jail next week. Further grist has it that you are paying her $1 million (which is up from the $750,000 I heard on NPR this morning) for the rights (are they rights? Privileges? just wondering...). I hear it's not even exclusive, just first priority.
If a few days in jail---in an isolated VIP cell---can net a person close to a million dollars for one interview, allow me to express my willingness to serve some time.
Frankly, the thought of utter isolation for 5-10 days sounds like a vacation to this overworked mom.
Therefore, I'm here to offer you a one-time opportunity for the rights to interview me upon my departure from jail.
I prefer to not commit a crime---it goes against my ethics---but possibly we could frame it as "Undercover Mom Serves Time while Getting the Dirt on What Goes on Behind Bars." (If "cougar" markets better, I am willing to concede that, but under duress as I am opposed to the term, and do not qualify because I am not rich.)
You network people like that dirt part, don't you?
I'm sure you'll have a preconceived angle. I'm willing to flow with that but it will cost you an extra $50,000 for each departure from the truth that you want.
I'm not as young, pretty, or aimless as Paris, nor am I famous for no reason (or any reason, actually) but thanks to that new reality TV show I hear 40 is the new twenty and nearly middle-aged women are considered pretty hot. I'm willing to get a full wardrobe and self makeover (at your expense, and I keep it all). Plus, I can read, and have even been known to write a little.
I hope I have come across as greedy, self-serving, amoral, and dirt-mongering as you like. If not, please know I am perfectly able to tone it up four to five notches. Or more. As needed.
Sincerely, Julie Pippert
Comments
I'm disgusted and I think I'll move to Canada now.
Huzzah!
That one million would get me to Thailand in comfort. A little house in Khon Kaen. A really good computer set-up. Guaranteed income each month. Heck, I could even take a friend!
Yuh. Um. Well. Anyway. :)
It was worth a try. But I'm afraid we'd probably both have to have sex tapes on the market, hang out in clubs with our ditzy friends and be named after a major European city to draw any attention from Meredith Vierra, et. al.
Peace,
~Chani
How about right outside NBC headquarters? Anyone want to get arrested en masse? We can form a gang. $1 million is a lot of money. I'd behappy to split it several ways. ;)
Mrs. Chicky, I know, it really is the epitome of all that disgusts me about this area of meda. Is Canada any better?
LOL ;)
Now all YOU need is a little spin:
"Woman departs US in disgust after NBC pays Pointless Faux Celebrity $1 million to detail her jail cell experiences on TV."
LOL
And, going on with that thought...I'm thinkin' if they think the two of us are some sorta gay thing (they always think two women together are gay - and I have short hair!!) we could get more than a cool mil each!!
Ahhh, a person can dream....
Julie: This is a riot. Hey, I'll tell you what -- I was born in Iran. That could add some je ne sais quoi to this fast-growing posse of ours!
After that you and lawyer mom can toss alcohol on children and the rest of us can protest outside NBC. (While there I will personally revoke his status as a Bobcat. He went to the same school I did and I feel he's sullying its good name.)
As a journo myself, paying for an interview has me really, really, really angry.
We will protest outside the NBC studios WITHOUT A PERMIT.
We will be a loud and raucous gang (shall we all wear certain colors or head bandanas?).
Some of us will carry signs exhorting that Matt and Meredith be stripped of the title "journalist" and renamed "fluff-n-scandal mongerers."
Others will carry signs protesting the Vast and Vapid Emptiness of Modern Media and Celebrity. Instead of the Nietzsche-ian "God is dead," our signs will scream "Thought is dead."
We will be arrested.
During our stint in prison, it will be discovered that Chani and I made a sex video of pigs (or pugs...as the typos would have it) rolling in muck. It is discovered that Alm is responsible for distributing this video in educational jackets without a Parental Advisory.
It will be revealed that Chani is a Thailand Gal. People will try to figure out if this is a code word, such as for Mata Hari. SM is discovered to have been born in Iran, exactly AHEM years before they were known to be FOBs (Friends of Bush). Their status is a red flag to the Gestapo, I mean Homeland Security.
Photos will be found of me and LawyerMama on a beach boozing it up with wine coolers, no wait, make that Boone's Farm Strawberry. In one photo we are laughing as our children use the empty bottles to build sandcastles. Our depravity is now established.
Magpie, Flutter, and Ally begin a Knit for Prosperity campaign. They are knitting signs per instruction of Gwen, Kyla, and Christine, "Donate or else, you pigs (or pugs)."
Jen and Mrs. Chicky are baking files in cakes for the lot of us prisoners.
Roz is acting as our agent, negotiating with the media.
She nets us a cool $2.43 million with Fox and we all retire happily ever after.
That about it?
Or should we all appear on some "where are they now" reality TV show in about ten years? Ooohh hosted by PARIS HILTON!!
Peace,
~Chani
Hmm. That never stops TV.
How about a show about nothing, set in Duluth?
Seinfeld: Duluth
We could even spin it further!
Seinfeld: Champaign-Urbana
Seinfeld: Truth-or-Consequences
Feel free to add on.
or possibly, it's not the setting in queston, but the theme.
Seinfeld: Elaine
Seinfeld: George
Seinfeld: Jerry's Mom
Chani, because you are good about always keeping me honest in this way, I want to make sure that all know EVERYONE IS WELCOME.
That IS nuts.
Great response though. :)
And Duluth is getting awfully close to Canada which, according to one (unfounded) rumour, got it's name from Spanish explorers looking at it and saying, "Ca, nada." A whole country about nothing.
You do have a sex tape, don't you?
Thanks for a much needed laugh.