I've written four posts about this topic---I'm not kidding, and you'll know this because someday I might be in a bind and post a "variations on a theme of secrets and lies" series for a week, and you'll all be, "Umm, wow, wasn't that topic like so last week, Julie?" and "I'll say, yeah whatever, the old writer's block I claim I never get has kicked in, so...read it and like it, or weep, either way, but leave comments because mama needs some good lovin' right now."---and all of them have been vastly different, and yet, true. Mostly. Still, none seemed right.
Version 1: In which I share, vaguely, a lot that I haven't shared in an example of the different sorts of secrets and lies we keep and why
Version 2: In which I try like crazy to put forth a sweet and sentimental anecdote to show my journey of self-discovery and evolution through finding a balance within what to keep and what to share.
Version 3: In which I depict secrets and lies I've kept and told, ones from other people, the repurcussions of all and what I've learned with a bonus on my theory of secrets and why people keep them.
Version 4: In which I discuss the difference between secrets and privacy, the application of each broadly and generally, with personal anecdotes thrown in, and my approach to when something ought to be kept secret versus not, including an easy to follow litmus test.
So. Dudes. I got nothing.
However, there is good news:
Other people wrote very movingly about this topic, so go see what they had to say.
Emily wrote Bathe Your Children Well
She also wrote Lies All Lies
Chani wrote Hide and Seek
Andrea wrote Digging
Sober Briquette wrote Taradiddle
copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
Comments
I feel like this is so true. Recently I've been caught up in a weird conflict between two friends who are in some sort of weird war. People have been hurt and offended, and I am stuck right in the middle with that wad of gum you described stuck in my throat. They are both telling me these things that are "secret", but "not really." But to tell the truth would be so painful to the other parties. In many ways I feel used because both people know that I hate to hurt the other person and am always willing to listen. I hate all the secrets. I feel like just writing them both a long letter and laying out "she said this and she said that and now duke it out your selves." Too childish. But I feel so knotted up about it all. So SICK, literally over these secrets and lies and hurtful truths.
Sigh.
I should blog about it but it gets so muddled up in my head (can't you tell!?) and I'd hate for them to find the post. Hey now there is my OWN secret! I can't even tell anyone about my blog. Pathetic. I am realizing after reading this and Chani's post that secrets are about more than just "don't tell" things. Thy are about whole lives and the way we present our selves to others.
As usual heavy, thinky stuff. i love it. thanks for sharing yourself with us today.
Sorry i didn't take this hump day humm on myself, but that damn vison post jumped out of my head right to the keyboard!!!
And know I've aired my dirty laundry and I feel I've betrayed the southern code.
"In general I think people keep secrets not for privacy but to avoid---avoid telling something shameful, avoid a problem they don't know how to handle, avoid a conflict they are afraid of, and so forth. It's usually a pretty bad idea, in my opinion/experience, to keep a secret."
So I at this very moment relate in a very real way to this passage.
Oh and this-"but leave comments because mama needs some good lovin' right now."--- LOL
Sorry for the long regurgitation.
Love,
K
Seriously. This got me to thinking about that.
I'm very good about telling people that I don't want their secrets ~ not secrets about bad behavior. This is just something people know. I don't want the burden and I'm very blunt about it. If someone is cheating on their spouse (without agreement) or stealing from a friend, don't tell me. That's bad energy and I don't need it.
But I've gotten fairly good at recognizing when someone is lying to save face ~ whether it is denying something or presenting themselves in a way they think I want to see them.
Honestly, I don't have any preconceived notion of how I want to see someone.
I don't care that much. In the end, we're all just people, doing the best we can with what we have, and in that regard the lying is more an annoyance than anything else.
We really don't need to be doing it.
In the end, lying costs the liar much more than it costs anyone else so there is no forgiveness necessary from me.
Somewhat tangential but that's what came to mind.
Peace,
~Chani
It's very secretive, appropriately enough. Unfortunately, the people most affected by the secrets I still keep read the blog. It makes it next to impossible, sometimes,to be honest about what's obsessing me.
Thanks for these links, Julie.
LOL
I hope it's not really bad, just busy. And no worries.
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SM, Emily did great, and you are welcome.
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Andrea, yours rocked too. You guys have blown me away. Thanks!
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Chani, are you distinguishing lying for gain from lying for protection? If I've understood correctly, yes, they are distinct, and make a difference in how I view it.
As to your second point, you don't prejudge or have preconceived notions that are detrimental. You keep an open mind.
I've noticed that some people sometimes don't. I am so vague b/c you know, it kind of depends on the person, moment in time, situation, etc.
I'm thinking about the rest.
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Kim, sorry you had that distress. But I understand you holding it back. In my mind, that is logical, and shows consideration. It's not really keeping a secret---it's working with time. No apologies necessary b/c I don't think you betrayed anything and you know me and my affection for long comments. :)
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Christine, what a tough position to be in. Man talk about bone between dogs. You know, blog about it, write it like a letter to them. Don't worry about muddled or writing for an audience, just write it for yourself. And then, you don't even have to post it. My blog folder is full of drafts LOL. I wish I had some sage wisdom to extend but this is one of those touchy situations, really dependent on the individuality I think. Good luck and a hug.
When do you post next week's topic? You know I love a good homework assignment!
Or did I just not see it? I am a bit bleary eyed tonight.
I was hedging...planned to repost all the things fresh tomorrow or so along with idea for next week.
Which hasn't occurred to me yet.
I meant lying for protection, lying because to tell the truth would be too revealing of the core self, lying to avoid alienating others and so on.
We all self-censor which is a form of lying by omission.
(And I'm not talking about "do these pants make me look fat" kind of stuff. That's just seeking validation.)
I'm talking about the truth about our lives that would make us vulnerable.
Thanks for the comment on my being open-minded. I really do try. Judgment of others based on external things is such a waste of energy. :)
Peace,
~Ch
The Choices We Make
I'm off to read the other posts now. ;)
I'm going to have to pass on this challenge. I have a friend's son with me for a day or two, plus vacation Bible school, blah, blah, blah. I'm looking forward to reading what the others have to say, though!
I really enjoyed all the comments, and the other entries. I've added my own: http://borneochica.blogspot.com/2007/06/ruins.html
(too lazy to link that properly).
Fear of Failure
Sephyroth
http://www.sephyroth.net