No, seriously. I had to call and vent to my husband by noon. Yeahhh, now you hear me: that kind of day.
Let's just whip through the day I had because I want to quickly move on to the good stuff (plus, dudes, I have been working us all too hard at this blog all week):
1. Whiny uncooperative kids all morning.
As usual, racing to car, racing to school like usual. Persistence being ohhhhhh myyyyyy gosh the Queen of Lollygagland. She has now perfected the art of the extremely suspicious stare...due to receiving it so frequently.
I was already sort of fed up with Persistence since she sneaked downstairs and dumped a tub of yogurt on the coffee table and mixed in half a big box of baby oatmeal in it. Then dripped it on the rug and sofa. Took a freaking hour to scrape that out and clean it up. I couldn't find the missing yogurt tub until this morning...when I found it and the REST of the box of oatmeal clogging the downstairs bathroom sink. See what I mean? Also that kid has been up until 10 p.m. all freaking week. I won't even tell you what all she did upstairs that involved a sharpie marker while I cleaned up the yogurt mess.
Do I sound like I love her? Do I? Do you hear and feel the love?
I hope you stinking do because here's how you know I love her: (a) she lives and (b) she's not for sale on eBay.
2. The no school for me incident
So Persistence and I are all breathing a sigh of relief that Patience got to school on time, and thus proud of ourselves, we run off to spend the hour before her school begins doing errands. And by gum, we got them all done and done well and on time and cruised into her school mighty puffed up with pride in ourselves only to be popped like balloons.
"Julie?" the lady in the office says with an odd tone.
"Ummm, yeah?" I say.
"There's," and here's where the DUH DUH DUH DUMMMMM music began, "No. School. Today."
Holy mother mercy are you freaking kidding me? WTF do I pay for?
(And do you know how hard I must work to NOT say this in a Catholic Church with the priest walking by?)
"Mommy, she say no school?" Persistence asked, worriedly.
"Sorry honey, no school," I affirm. She and I stare sadly at one another.
"But me wan' my fwends, my teachers, my cwasswoom!" she tells me.
"I know, I want that for you too, you have no idea, but sorry, no school."
At this point, one of us collapsed in a crying heap on the floor. I will let you guess which one (odds are 50/50 here), but here's a hint, part of the sobbing included the name of the crier's true love:
"I wan' my Saaaaaaaaaabbbbbbiiiiiiiiiii," wailed the crier, desperately seeking the adorable, black tousled curls Love of her life, Sebastien.
Yes, we departed, leaving our dignity behind like some offering for the Virgin Mary.
3. The school lunch incident
Thus at utter odds with our day, both of us suffering a bad case of the Cranky McCrankypants due to thwarted expectations, Persistence and I straggled home trying hard to think of a way to salvage the day.
"Let's have lunch with Tissy!" I say, feeling a bit better.
"Otay," agrees Persistence, "Let's do now!"
"No, in an hour and a half, three Georgies."
"Toooo loooong," whines Persistence, "Hey! me wan' my Dorgie on now!"
So three Georgies later, we were showing five forms of picture identification and a notarized letter of safety and shooed on through to the cafeteria.
Where, we found---unexpectedly, although it shouldn't have been, it being today and all---that poor Patience's lunch was mysteriously infested with ants. Everyone was slightly panicked and surprisingly glad to see me. Like a gift. From the gods.
Inspired and gratified by this welcome, my mind shot into On mode and came up with a Plan: buy lunch.
So I shuffled the three of us through the lunch line. We ate. We kissed Patience goodbye. We left. All was well, until...
4. The parking lot incident
Persistence, running to evade my authority (Bad Girls, Bad Girls, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when mom comes for you?), seriously wiped out in the parking lot. I carried my mortally wounded child (or so you'd think from the scene) to the car, and just when I got her all cleaned up and settled...
5. The smashed finger incident
Because it is still Hot as Hades here in the subtropics (aka Land of Neverending Godforsaken Hot as Hades Summer), I crack the windows to allow hot air to escape the car. This necessitates rolling up the windows after we get in the car and shift the A/C on to "high" and "as cold as freaking possible."
Unbeknownst to me, today happens to be the very day that Persistence not only figured out how to buckle her car seat buckles, but also discovered how to unbuckle them.
So, believing her to be in her car seat, I pushed the buttons to raise the windows and...
Yes, smashed fingers.
Once she recovered (and it was only a couple of minutes because I stopped before fully closing the window) we decided to engage in the time-honored method for feeling better: retail therapy.
6. The poo poo and lost pants incident
I think the title explains it all but suffice it to say by the third store I gave up and Persistence was clad in nothing more than a tank top and pull-up. We left nice little calling cards at every store we visited.
Those are simply the top six. We'll leave it at that.
Now...the good part of the day.
Unflattering photo aside...
Celebrity Collage says I look like Cat Deeley!
Oh my joy knows no bounds. I have a total girlie envy crush on Cat Deeley, so I am ecstatic. Sure, the rest is flattering (barring Tom Stoppard...wtf?) but CAT DEELEY!
As for Uma Thurman? No, not so much, but she looks like she could be my sister, in fact...she looks JUST LIKE MY SISTER.
I do look like Leelee Sobieski.
I guess my usuals---Tilda Swinton and Cate Blanchett---aren't celebrities any longer?
I would have said "too old" but thank goodness Meryl Streep and Sharon Stone are in there. Leelee is young enough to be my daughter. So there, I don't look like her, she looks like ME!
And Kate Hepburn?
Geez, I can't even fathom. Just color me swooned.
Copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
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