Sunday, September 09, 2007

TO: WMD Inspectors --- RE: Employment Opportunities

"Keep digging, Persistence, I know Mom hid it in here somewhere! I can smell it!"

Dear People In Charge of Hiring Inspectors to Find Weapons of Mass Destruction,

I'm not really clear whether you didn't find any weapons because there aren't any or you stink at finding, but in case it is the latter, I have a solution for you. In fact, I have two solutions for you:

Solution A: Patience, age almost 6

Solution B: Persistence, age almost 3

They are natural bloodhounds, and I've inadvertently encouraged this trait by playing along and hiding things of value for them to seek.

For example, I'll cite the case of How the Bears Won (or One More Way in Which Julie Learns She Isn't Half as Smart as She Thinks).

I'm what you might call a Prepare for Worst Case Scenario Planner (PWCSP) (hey! you might have a job for me, too). Because I am an INTJ Scorpio of reasonable intelligence, you can see how this personality trait makes sense. Since we've moved to Hurricane Alley, I've had opportunity to perfect my skill at Worst Case Scenario Planning (WCSP).

This includes purchasing packaged foods that will last out a nuclear war and bottles of water (even though they only last a year). My family loves convenience foods and drinks so I must be very clever in my hiding places or I end up buying WCSP goods weekly.

My most recent attempt to hide the goods was what I call Stop the Bears. I put all of the goods in a bag, and hung them from a hook at the top of the pantry. I know, crazy, but crazy like a fox.

Week 1: Success, patting self on the back

Week 2: Feeling cocky

Week 3: Defenses breached

While I was otherwise engaged in business that, shall we say, was by nature expedient, Patience and Persistence noted the oddity of a suspended bag in the pantry. They'd observed this bag previously but I cleverly sidelined their attention with my ingenious diversion: bags of snacks disguised as hidden within an old lunch kit. Because they had to reach back onto the bottom pantry shelf, extricate the bag, unzip it, and retrieve the snacks, their sense of adventure, excitement, adrenaline rush, and naughtiness was fulfilled.

Unfortunately, new gets old quickly for these two, and they began to suspect that the hidden snacks were too easy. They deduced the trick.

Patience determined that if I wanted them looking down, then the real treasure must be up, and that's when she thought of the suspended bag.

Acting quickly, since time was short, she directed Persistence to retrieve the child's chair from their craft table in the office. While Persistence did as she was told (for the first time in her life, ever, maybe, although these two make an incredible team when motivated, so she has got the ability to cooperate) Patience dragged a bar stool over to the pantry, and together they rapidly constructed a "staircase" to scale the pantry shelves.

They unhooked the bag and brought it down. Upon opening it, they did indeed find a treasure trove of forbidden goodies: breakfast bars, cereal bars, granola bars, Special K snacks, and so forth.

They recognized that they needed to maintain the appearance of a full bag, so they only took a few treats and added in a few toys to make up the difference. They had figured out the success of this tactic during the Case of the Guest Bath Handsoap. In that case, they emptied (against the rules, big-time) a bottle of handsoap. However, they successfully hid this from me by filling the bottle with water. Who knows how long I didn't notice that. Possibly an entire week.

That amount of time would provide ample opportunity to retrieve the treats from the bag.

Thus, plan in place, they continued slowly but surely emptying the bag.

My first, and only, clue was an errant Special K snack wrapper.

By the time I realized the problem, the bag was empty. I have been unsuccessful in locating the stolen merchandise.

In addition to being excellent inspectors and extractors, Patience and Persistence hold up remarkably well under fire, whether it includes threats, discipline, or Other.

This is simply one example among many in a long line of successful inspection and extraction on their parts. They have found birthday and Christmas presents, secret Mom chocolates, confiscated toys, and more.

In the case of finding something not meant to be found, you can count on their sneaky professionalism in hiding both the discovery and the extraction (if necessary).

As you can see, Patience and Persistence would only need to know what they need to seek and why they need to seek it. They are already skilled inspectors and extractors.

In return, we expect a fair salary, full health benefits, uniforms, college and retirement funds. Obviously they'll need to complete their education first, and we (their parents) will need to be co-supervisors.

I happily anticipate your response soon.

Sincerely, Julie Pippert

Copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
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Oh, The Joys said...

How soon can they start?!

slouching mom said...

Your two really are quite...feisty, aren't they! I'm torn between feeling proud of them for being so clever and feeling sorry for you. BTW, I'm an INTJ Scorpio as well.

Lawyer Mama said...

Ooh, they are clever.

Can you send them over here to find the missing truck I bought for Christmas last year & hid so well I still can't find it?

I'm an INTJ too....

flutter said...

Oh they are funny...

Kyla said...

Oh my. You have your hands full with those two!

KayTar surprised me the other day with her skills. She wished to reach something on the stove (it was not turned on or hot). She asked me, I declined her request to fetch it for her, and she left the kitchen. She returned a moment or two later with the step stool in her hands, set it down, climbed up, and retrieved the coveted object. I allowed it, because she's learning to be resourceful! She can also flip a laundry basket and climb onto our elevated bed. That one almost gave me a heart attack.

Gina Pintar said...

I am so impressed with them! That is so awesomet that they put toys in the bag in replacement to keep the bag looking full. Brilliant.

Isn't it amazing how well they can conspire together against you? And they both kept the secret.

crazymumma said...

The Presidential Administration have no idea what they are in for obviously....

Suz said...

Very clever! I bet you really have to hide those birthday presents!

painted maypole said...

this is hysterical. and I feel sorry for you. ;)

May I just say that this would have been perfect for NEXT WEEK's Monday Mission - a post in the form of a resume. ;)

liv said...

And if my two came on the squad there'd be some fantastic torturing of prisoners going on.

Christine said...

oh my god those girls are clever!

Julie Pippert said...

My friends...yes, my children are alarmingly clever, by which I really mean sneaky. Their talent for manipulation, deduction, planning, execution, and so forth would leave you all does everyone else who they meet.

They put on a mild, shy, quiet act...but we all know still waters run deep.

On a good day my husband and I go to bed feeling tired, emotionally, and exhausted, mentally.

On a bad day we just curl up in the fetal position and whimper like wounded animals.

They are a major challenge to parent, no doubt. Wonderful amazing and awesome, but a challenge.

Luckily for the world, we will stop at two. A Pippert Girl Trifecta might just upset the balance of the universe.

Their independence and curiosity know no bounds.

I am---like you guys---both impressed and proud (with faith they'll do fine in life) and really, really sorry for me. LOL

Mary-LUE said...

I think there's a children's book series, along the lines of the Bobsey Twins. Although instead of solving mysteries, the Pippert girls create them!

Julie said...

We hid food from my dad for YEARS and he never found it. All we had to do was hide it with the pots and pans. : )

Gwen said...

Funny! And scary: imagine high school.

Or, umm, don't.

Magpie said...

They are something! Patient and persistent, indeed.

mayberry said...

Ah, someday, they will use their powers for good. I HOPE.

Cathy said...

Frightening! I can understand the curling up and whimpering.

(also very funny, however. i love the fact that they remember to keep the bag full)

NotSoSage said...


You're in for it when they're teenagers. No liquor in the house. Ever.

Emily said...

Have you considered hiding things like green beans and hoping they get consumed, as well?

Jen M. said...

It's both awesome and terrifying when our offspring pass us up mentally. I was left in the dust years ago.

Aliki2006 said...

They could give Liam some lessons, and pronto. He is constantly losing things and *I'm* the one who has had to hone my search and rescue skills.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

You are in SO much trouble when they are teenagers! :)

I foresee a long and profitable career for them......albeit...possibly on the wrong side of the law! (hee-hee)

See..Junior Mayhem is not nearly this crafty! He would have simply torn the bag down and then thrown a tantrum when caught! AMATEUR! :)

I am loving these girls!

kim said...

OMG, I missed this one. How deliciously devilish your little geniuses are.