Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Local woman claims to have been possessed by the devil; demands exorcism

A local woman claims that the devil has moved in. She cited as one piece of evidence this gargoyle/demon, which magically grew out of a corner of her house. Dornach, Scotland confirmed that a gargoyle is missing from its Cathedral.

A local woman claims to have been possessed by the devil and demands that a priest or similar expert conduct an exorcism.

"It started in small ways, feeling frustrated with the kids, annoyed with other drivers, but then it escalated to full out head-spinning fury," says Julie Pippert, looking relatively normal, other than the odd greenish tint to her face and the smoke coming out her ears.

Ms. Pippert claims the devil entered her body when she was sleep-deprived after her youngest daughter's recent growth spurt kept the entire family up for a week straight, "I was yawning a lot and he must have taken that window and jumped right in. I was a nice person, really I was, before the devil possessed me."

"Mommy yelled at my sister the other day, and makes funny noises like ARGH and URGH all the time now. I think the devil should leave my mommy alone," says Ms. Pippert's oldest daughter, Patience, 5 and 3/4.

Ms. Pippert's youngest daughter, Persistence, 2 and 3/4, was succinct in her thoughts on the matter, "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I think the devil is in Persistence, too," added Patience.

A number of recent incidents in Ms. Pippert's life are what lead her to believe she was possessed. "My first clue was when I lost my cool with the really horrible and rude 'good ole' boy' at the tire shop. He was so condescending and awful. Now normally I'd just let someone like that roll right over me but something inside me made me rise up on my toes and wag my finger at that man, tell him he couldn't talk to me like that. Then instead of meekly saying, 'whatever' to the Best Buy repair people, I told them to fix it!"

The Best Buy dryer repair issue is the sign Ms. Pippert says exorcists should pay attention to. She claims her dryer's control panel began flashing error message 666, which many claim is the mark of the devil.

"That Whirlpool Duet dryer is straight from hell. I suspected as much shortly after I bought it and it began acting weird, beeping randomly, starting on its own, never working when I needed it, and so forth. But I knew it for sure when it flashed 666," said Ms. Pippert.

Independent sources confirmed that the dryer is flashing error message 666.

"Also, I knew the Best Buy people were my seventh level of hell when they kept pretending to want to repair my machine but never quite able to do it. Now they are torturing me by continually scheduling a repair visit at times I can't be home. You tell me: they know I'm a mom and yet they only have 8:00 and 3:00 as available repair times? I think the rapture has already happened I've been left behind, in hell," Ms. Pippert said.

She claimed Best Buy isn't the only example.

"My head literally spun in circles on my neck and my eyeballs bulged out when Persistence, who was supposedly quietly playing in the playroom while Patience and I did homework, instead had sneaked down to the kitchen, got a carton of yogurt and smeared it all over the playroom furniture and her bathroom. She said she was painting. Then, while I was distracted by that, she found a marker and colored on the walls of the hall. The next day she somehow again found markers---and I swear the devil is supplying her because I don't know where else they could come from---and colored her entire body red and orange. You see, devil colors. I had to take her like that to Patience's school! It took an entire package of wipies and a bath with toxic soap to get that off. Persistence followed that up by smearing an entire tube of toothpaste on herself and her favorite doll. Every time, my head spins, my eyeballs bulge, bizarre demon noises come out of my mouth and smoke pours form my ears. Possessed. I must be possessed by the devil," Ms. Pippert said, fidgeting on the sofa as she spoke, and acting very agitated.

"But the worst part of all," she said, eyes watering a little (either from emotion, or in reaction to the smoke from her ears), "Is that I've begun saying what I think. Out loud. To people. Being truthful, saying no to things. Damn the consequences. If I don't get this devil exorcised soon, my life could be ruined."

Mr. Pippert says he just wants his wife back, happy.

"I know the kids drive her crazy and there have been a lot of rude people who are supposed to be helpful, like the Best Buy repair people, but even so, she never used to lose her cool like this. Well, not to their faces."

The Pipperts plan to vacation soon and hope that they can leave the devil behind.

"It's one thing for the devil to be at work in my life, you know frying my dryer, knocking trees down in my backyard, sending plagues of raccoons, but to possess my body? That's way past the line," Ms. Pippert said, slowly starting to turn more red, her eyeballs beginning to look a little more prominent.

Local officials claim there is no devil, not even in Washington DC but definitely not in the Houston area, and explained that despite claims Houston is not actually hell on earth, "It gets really hot here, true, and we do have plagues and insects, okay it is sort like a passage from Revelations, but I've been to lots worse, and I think Hell is dry. It's really humid here," said one unnamed official.

Best Buy referred inquiries to their Montana customer service office, which doesn't exist. Whirlpool said simply, "Shit happens."

Religious experts said an investigation was underway.

This post is a part of the Hump Day Hmm, which this week was to tackle a topic in your life that is troubling you with a humorous approach. Email your link and I'll add you in!

Also writing this week are:

Liv wrote What is so heavy?

Snoskred wrote The Oracle Knows All.. At Least Some.. Well Really Just One Thing.

Sephyroth wrote Why do you dress like that on a plane?

MiscMum wrote Open letter to my husband on the subject of ipod borrowing

LawyerMama wrote Some Questions for Virginia Drivers

Learning & Laughter Julie wrote In Which I Strive for Humor and Come Up With Angst, Sorrow, and Confusion

Gwen wrote Nettles: A Study in Haiku

Atypical wrote the art of blogging dangerously

Note from blog author: I will continue to take Hump Day Hmm submissions but can make no promises of when I'll add links beyond tonight. We're getting Umberto dead-on; outer rain bands hit this morning. Internet service can be spotty under such conditions.

Copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
Also blogging at:
Using My Words
Julie Pippert REVIEWS: Get a real opinion about BOOKS, MUSIC and MORE
Julie Pippert RECOMMENDS: A real opinion about HELPFUL and TIME-SAVING products HOT scoop about H-Town!


Emily said...

Are you STILL dealing with those crazy thus-and-sos at Best Buy? Seriously?

Kyla said...


This was awesome. Just perfect.

Cathy said...

Still laughing — brilliant!

Julie Pippert said...

Emily... this entire post is completely true (well, okay the smoke out of my ears part is a little figurative).

I really STILL do not have my dryer fixed. I think Best Buy has me on some spy satellite and they wait until I leave the house to call, and they really only have offered times I won't be home (and I won't work around them any longer).

And they REALLY REALLY did refer me to their main customer service IN MONTANA...which DOES NOT exist. I mean, best Buy customer service in Montana. Montana exists.

So yes, I am sad to say I am still dealing with those &^$&* thus and so at &^*%&* best Buy.

(Now the smoke part isn't so figurative.)

(In fact, I find it no small coinkydink that I just got pegged for a National Tobacco survey. I guess all the smoke has me mistakenly categorized as a smoker.)

Julie Pippert said...

Kyla and Cathy, thanks!

Lawyer Mama said...

PERFECT! I think this is my favorite part: "Best Buy referred inquiries to their Montana customer service office, which doesn't exist. Whirlpool said simply, 'Shit happens.'"

I'd laugh hysterically if only I knew it wasn't true!

OH & my post is now UP!

liv said...

Wow. You actually nailed funny. I feel it illuminating the unfunniness of my post. You are from hell. And probably possessed.

liv said...

I meant that in the nicest possible way!

Jenny said...

Did I ever tell you that I had a washing machine that was possessed but it's murdered maker? For real.

I'll have to tell you the full story.

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

De-lurking to say that this made me laugh! I love your writing but can't always keep up! Well done.

Julie Pippert said...

Lori, thanks!

Jenny, do tell. How about soon? :)

Liv, LOL and thanks, ummm I think. LOL

LM, I'd almost be really funny if only it wasn't real and really happening to me. I mean, I almost want to give Robert 201016 brownie points for originality on that one.

I also want someone to love my "plague of raccoons." I think that was in the Nag Hamadi scrolls. ;)

Oh, The Joys said...

May you be HEALED!

Very funny!

Gwen said...

I think I know a good exorcist. Or three.

You're funny for a she-devil.

And mine is up, too. Only it's not at all funny. Maybe I need some "divine" intervention. And by divine, I naturally do not mean Jesus.

Ally said...

If the devil is causing you to say no to people and speak your mind, I think maybe you should find a way to keep him.

kim said...

OMG, I'm not having a nervous breakdown I'm just possessed!

This was so funny and I so need the funny lately!!!!

atypical said...

I loved this!

I can't believe I am admitting this (since the post will surely remove what little credibility I have), but I actually hmmmed (Yes, on a Wednesday! Can you believe it?).

Pardon me, I have to go into hiding now.


Christine said...

oh dude. this was the funniest thing EVER!!!!

well all the crap leading up tot possession isn't funny, but your post is.

and maybe we can pool our efforts here and do an online bloggy exorcism for you!

Aliki2006 said...

Hilarious! Wonderful! I love it...well done.

slouching mom said...

I love this post. Hilarious!

me said...

the truth that people are missing is that we are actually related to people from hell. I won't neccesarily say that we are spawn of the devil, but.. some of the family....????

And they all thought you were being funny! I just had an idea-no laughs. Even though we now live only 45 minutes from each other, maybe its not such a good idea to let my kids be around yours so much. I'm already possessed enough as it is.

Who do you think reprogrammed that new dryer a couple of years back(remember when A and I came that x-mas). I was just jealous that you had a front loader washer... :)

ahhahhhha( in a posessed, evil, demonic voice)-

xo, you know who

Catherine said...

SO FUN! I really wanted to do this one, but it just didn't happen this week. I hope you'll do this topic again!! I can't wait to read them all. :)

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Love it! I think the devil may be in Junior Mayhem too!

Come to think of it....I HAVE seen him yawning a lot! OH!!!! It all makes sense now!

Wonder if we could get a package deal on the exorcisms!

flutter said...

You are so great!

painted maypole said...

hysterical. my husband could do the exorcism. ;)

Good luck with Umberto. The leader of our praise band, when it started pouring rain in the middle of our rehearsal tonight, said "maybe it's HUMPerto" this sent us all into lots of silly spinoffs of this name.

crazymumma said...

why did 'out out damned spot' spring into my head?

Miscellaneous-Mum said...

Well, while you're housing the 'big guy' I must, at times, hosting one of his pesky sidekicks, because I feel the same way....

Mrs. Chicky said...

Can I buy the demon a drink? I think it would get along with mine.

atypical said...

Hoping Humberto left you pretty much alone other than a little rain...

Sarcasta-Mom said...

OMG, that was hilarious....

My name is Rima. said...

Hi there,

After seeing your "tracks" on virtually every page I visit, I decided to come over and visit you myself, and I'm glad I did!

That was hilarious!