A local woman claims to have been possessed by the devil and demands that a priest or similar expert conduct an exorcism.
"It started in small ways, feeling frustrated with the kids, annoyed with other drivers, but then it escalated to full out head-spinning fury," says Julie Pippert, looking relatively normal, other than the odd greenish tint to her face and the smoke coming out her ears.
Ms. Pippert claims the devil entered her body when she was sleep-deprived after her youngest daughter's recent growth spurt kept the entire family up for a week straight, "I was yawning a lot and he must have taken that window and jumped right in. I was a nice person, really I was, before the devil possessed me."
"Mommy yelled at my sister the other day, and makes funny noises like ARGH and URGH all the time now. I think the devil should leave my mommy alone," says Ms. Pippert's oldest daughter, Patience, 5 and 3/4.
Ms. Pippert's youngest daughter, Persistence, 2 and 3/4, was succinct in her thoughts on the matter, "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I say NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"I think the devil is in Persistence, too," added Patience.
A number of recent incidents in Ms. Pippert's life are what lead her to believe she was possessed. "My first clue was when I lost my cool with the really horrible and rude 'good ole' boy' at the tire shop. He was so condescending and awful. Now normally I'd just let someone like that roll right over me but something inside me made me rise up on my toes and wag my finger at that man, tell him he couldn't talk to me like that. Then instead of meekly saying, 'whatever' to the Best Buy repair people, I told them to fix it!"
The Best Buy dryer repair issue is the sign Ms. Pippert says exorcists should pay attention to. She claims her dryer's control panel began flashing error message 666, which many claim is the mark of the devil.
"That Whirlpool Duet dryer is straight from hell. I suspected as much shortly after I bought it and it began acting weird, beeping randomly, starting on its own, never working when I needed it, and so forth. But I knew it for sure when it flashed 666," said Ms. Pippert.
Independent sources confirmed that the dryer is flashing error message 666.
"Also, I knew the Best Buy people were my seventh level of hell when they kept pretending to want to repair my machine but never quite able to do it. Now they are torturing me by continually scheduling a repair visit at times I can't be home. You tell me: they know I'm a mom and yet they only have 8:00 and 3:00 as available repair times? I think the rapture has already happened I've been left behind, in hell," Ms. Pippert said.
She claimed Best Buy isn't the only example.
"My head literally spun in circles on my neck and my eyeballs bulged out when Persistence, who was supposedly quietly playing in the playroom while Patience and I did homework, instead had sneaked down to the kitchen, got a carton of yogurt and smeared it all over the playroom furniture and her bathroom. She said she was painting. Then, while I was distracted by that, she found a marker and colored on the walls of the hall. The next day she somehow again found markers---and I swear the devil is supplying her because I don't know where else they could come from---and colored her entire body red and orange. You see, devil colors. I had to take her like that to Patience's school! It took an entire package of wipies and a bath with toxic soap to get that off. Persistence followed that up by smearing an entire tube of toothpaste on herself and her favorite doll. Every time, my head spins, my eyeballs bulge, bizarre demon noises come out of my mouth and smoke pours form my ears. Possessed. I must be possessed by the devil," Ms. Pippert said, fidgeting on the sofa as she spoke, and acting very agitated.
"But the worst part of all," she said, eyes watering a little (either from emotion, or in reaction to the smoke from her ears), "Is that I've begun saying what I think. Out loud. To people. Being truthful, saying no to things. Damn the consequences. If I don't get this devil exorcised soon, my life could be ruined."
Mr. Pippert says he just wants his wife back, happy.
"I know the kids drive her crazy and there have been a lot of rude people who are supposed to be helpful, like the Best Buy repair people, but even so, she never used to lose her cool like this. Well, not to their faces."
The Pipperts plan to vacation soon and hope that they can leave the devil behind.
"It's one thing for the devil to be at work in my life, you know frying my dryer, knocking trees down in my backyard, sending plagues of raccoons, but to possess my body? That's way past the line," Ms. Pippert said, slowly starting to turn more red, her eyeballs beginning to look a little more prominent.
Local officials claim there is no devil, not even in Washington DC but definitely not in the Houston area, and explained that despite claims Houston is not actually hell on earth, "It gets really hot here, true, and we do have plagues and insects, okay it is sort like a passage from Revelations, but I've been to lots worse, and I think Hell is dry. It's really humid here," said one unnamed official.
Best Buy referred inquiries to their Montana customer service office, which doesn't exist. Whirlpool said simply, "Shit happens."
Religious experts said an investigation was underway.
This post is a part of the Hump Day Hmm, which this week was to tackle a topic in your life that is troubling you with a humorous approach. Email your link and I'll add you in!
Also writing this week are:
Liv wrote What is so heavy?
Snoskred wrote The Oracle Knows All.. At Least Some.. Well Really Just One Thing.
Sephyroth wrote Why do you dress like that on a plane?
MiscMum wrote Open letter to my husband on the subject of ipod borrowing
LawyerMama wrote Some Questions for Virginia Drivers
Learning & Laughter Julie wrote In Which I Strive for Humor and Come Up With Angst, Sorrow, and Confusion
Gwen wrote Nettles: A Study in Haiku
Atypical wrote the art of blogging dangerously
Note from blog author: I will continue to take Hump Day Hmm submissions but can make no promises of when I'll add links beyond tonight. We're getting Umberto dead-on; outer rain bands hit this morning. Internet service can be spotty under such conditions.
Copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
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Using My Words
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Julie Pippert RECOMMENDS: A real opinion about HELPFUL and TIME-SAVING products
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