In Fair Verona

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

If this were the Renaissance, and Romeo was a person, not a Raccoon, I think people would not only understand and appreciate our ongoing feud, but would, in fact, respect us for it. It might lend us some cache, so to speak.

Instead, we're just middle class people in a middle class town fighting a raccoon. And, for the record, losing. Grudge had evolved to full-blown mutiny, with blood and death as a goal.

Our goals, however, have changed. Why? We can barely explain it to ourselves.

But it all has to do with what we discovered after our last battle with Romeo...and our theory about why he suddenly upped his attacks of us...Romeo found his Juliet, and they have established their own household.

Because we prefer not to follow history but would rather learn from its lessons

Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Therefore, I give you the resolution to our situation, via Shakespeare....

ACT I, SCENE 1

BRODIE (the dog of the house of Pippert)

What, dost thou dare to poke and enter our door?
Turn thee, Raccoon, look upon thy death.

ROMEO (the raccooon of the house of Raccoon)

I do but try for food: put away thy teeth,
Or manage them to rip at this rubber with me.

BRODIE

What, ripping, and talk of management! I hate the word,
As I hate squirrels, all Raccoons, and thee:
Have at thee, coward!

They fight

Enter JULIET RACCOON, ROMEO'S new wife

JULIET

What ruckus is this?
Have thee not yet conquered the door?

ROMEO

Some help, I say! Lord Pippert is come,
And flourishes his dog in spite of me.

Enter PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT

PIPPERT

Thou villain Raccoon,--Hold on not, let that go.

LADY PIPPERT

Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe.

EXEUNT ALL, except PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT

ACT I, SCENE 2

PIPPERT to LADY PIPPERT

Didst thou notice not one but two raccoons?

LADY PIPPERT

Tis true and from nowhere, no less!

PIPPERT

From somewhere, for more!

LADY PIPPERT

For more forsooth. Or for more for food.

PIPPERT

Madam, o' my word, we'll not carry more!

LADY PIPPERT

No, for then we should be carriers.

PIPPERT

I mean, at next strike we shall pelt.

LADY PIPPERT

Ay, and thus pelting, we shall be furriers.

EXEUNT PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT gleefully

ACT II, SCENE 1

ENTER ROMEO and JULIET, both of the House of RACCOON

ROMEO

A dog of the house of Pippert moves me.

JULIET

To move is to stir; and to be valiant is to stand:
therefore, if thou art moved, thou runn'st away.

ROMEO

Better to run away than to die today.

JULIET

That shows thee a weak raccoon, Romeo; for
only the weak dost run to die.

ROMEO

What say you? I run to live, not die.

JULIET

But in running thou chooseth death by hunger; an empty death to be sure.

ROMEO

Then courage fill me if food do not and I press on; no door will hold me.

JULIET

The door the only thing pressed, then.

EXEUNT ROMEO and JULIET

ACT II, SCENE 2

Enter BRODIE (dog) and FRANCESCA (cat), both of the House of PIPPERT

BRODIE

My teeth my tools, the raccoons my fools

FRANCESCA

Better then you do not drool.

BRODIE

Drool! It merely greases the tool for faster draw

FRANCESCA

Draw fast then, for I see Raccoons yonder sketching.

BRODIE

My naked weapon is bared: quarrel, I will back thee

FRANCESCA

How? With a bark worse than your bite?

BRODIE

Fear me not.

FRANCESCA

No, marry; I fear thee!

BRODIE

Let us take the law of our sides; let them begin.

FRANCESCA

I will hiss as I pass by, and let them take it as
they list.

BRODIE

Nay, as they dare. I will growl deep at them;
which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

Enter ROMEO and JULIET

ROMEO

Do you growl at me, dog?

BRODIE

I do growl, raccoon.

ROMEO

Do you growl at me, dog?

BRODIE

[aside to FRANCESCA] Is the law of our side, if I say ay?

FRANCESCA

Ay

BRODIE

Then, without further ado, I do growl at you!

They fight.

Enter PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT in nightwear

PIPPERT

My broom, my broom! Give me my broom!

LADY PIPPERT

A rifle, a trifle! Why call you for a broom?

PIPPERT

Romeo Raccoon dare spite my will and disrupt my rest!
With flourish of fluffy tail he do injure my pets!

LADY PIPPERT

Injure thy pets? Call you then for a vet! Or consider a wire trap well met!

PIPPERT

I'll suffer not this injury to my pets!

LADY PIPPERT

You suffer? 'Tis they that suffer the injury!

PIPPERT
The injury is invasion!

LADY PIPPERT

Then fight the invasion, not the injury!

Pippert flings open door and all of the house of Pippert shoo ROMEO and JULIET out.

EXEUNT all to lick wounds.

ACT III, SCENE 1 the next morning

Enter PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT

PIPPERT
Such strife this night in all things.

LADY PIPPERT
A glooming peace this morning with it brings.

PIPPERT
Let us ponder, then; have more talk of these sad happenings.

LADY PIPPERT
What price to us, our pets, our family, is this argued propinquity?

PIPPERT
Must all be sacrifices of our enmity?

LADY PIPPERT
Perhaps there can be peace in proximity.

PIPPERT
For both our houses, no pox, but dignity.

LADY PIPPERT
And with less strife, a better life.

EXEUNT both, holding hands.

ACT III, SCENE 2

ROMEO and JULIET, happily for now...



I couldn't quite dare to re-do a song for the Monday Mission, but I wanted to participate and I've owed a raccoon update for a while.

Copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
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