Skip to main content

If Hamlet and Ophelia had gotten married, had kids, & moved to the suburbs...

SCENE I. Elsinore. A platform bed in the master bedroom.

MOM and DAD modestly under covers.


Who's there?


Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.


'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, child-o.

Exit Child 1


Well, good night.
If you do hear or see another one,
The rivals of my sleep, bid them make haste.


I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who's there?

Enter CHILD 1 and CHILD 2


Tis us, fair father, Friends to this bed.


And liegemen to our fair mother, bearer of us and our not so fair antics.


Give you good night. (to DAD:: And not in our bed, ho!)


What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?


I have seen nothing. (to DAD:: Ignore those specters and they shall return from whence they came.)


Mom says 'tis but my fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of her
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated her along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That if again the apparitions come,
They may approve our eyes and speak to it.


Tush, tush, 'twill not appear.


Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!


It would be spoke to.


Question it, Mom.


What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
Together with that small and tantrumlike form
In which the majesty of buried restful nights
Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!


It is offended.


See, it stalks away! (to DAD: Our work here is done!)


Mad said…

The children of Hamlet and Ophelia would be so messed up that I think their least worry would be appearing as ghosts to their parents. I mean can you imagine the therapy their kids would need: ineffectual father, loony mother, so many murders in the extended family...
Julie Pippert said…
In other words, Mad, sort of the typical dysfunctional family? ;)
Karen Jensen said…
"It would be spoke to." Genius.
Bon said…
i loved this. and i have to agree, many could do worse than Hamlet & Ophelia for parents. at least those two would give lots of thought to stuff...
Anonymous said…
To sleep, perchance to dream.
No, that is not the fate of those
Who are gifted with the presence of small folk.
Anonymous said…
Too funny, Julie.

Last night was hot, so I had the fan on and could not hear Lorenzo coming out of his room and into mine (and possibly even knocking, as he has started to do). He was also having a restless night and I awakened with him staring me in the face about half a dozen times. Definitely as startling as ghosts.
mayberry said…
Love this, Julie. Brava!
Anonymous said…
"...that small and tantrumlike form..."

Way too funny!

Magpie said…
Nicely done, J.

They never stop creeping in, do they?
Patois42 said…
Well done! Bravo!
Leslie said…
I just blog-hopped over here from Mayberry Mom to find this piece of genius. Makes me want to watch Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.

Popular posts from this blog

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Quorum

After being confronted with written evidence, Julie admits that she is a total attention whore. In some things, in some ways, sometimes I look outward for validation of my worth and existence. I admit it. It's my weak spot, my vanity spot . If you say I am clever, comment on a post, offer me an award, mention me on your blog, reply to a comment I left on your blog, or in any way flatter me as a writer...I am hopelessly, slavishly devoted to you. I will probably even add you to my blogroll just so everyone can see the list of all the cool kids who actually like me . The girl, she knows she is vain in this regard , but after much vanity discussion and navel-gazing , she has decided to love herself anyway, as she is (ironically) and will keep searching for (1) internal validation and (2) her first person . Until I reach a better point of self-actualization, though, may I just say that this week you people have been better than prozac and chocolate (together, with a side of whi

In defense of vanity...I think

Do you have one of those issues where you argue with yourself? Where you just aren't sure what you actually think because there are so many messages and opinions on the topic around you? I have more than one like this. However, there is one topic that has been struggling to the top of my mind recently: vanity and perceived vanity. Can vanity be a good thing? Vanity has historically been truly reviled. Vanity is number seven of the Seven Deadly Sins. It's the doppleganger of number seven on the Seven Holy Virtues list: humility. There are many moralistic tales of how vanity makes you evil and brings about a spectacular downfall. Consider the lady who bathed in the blood of virgins to maintain her youth. Google Borgia+vanity and find plenty. The Brothers Grimm and Disney got in on the act too. The Disney message seems to be: the truly beautiful don't need to be vain. They are just naturally eye-catchingly gorgeous. And they are all gorgeous. Show me the Reubenesque Pr

Is your name yours? How your name affects your success...

Made by Andrea Micheloni Not too long ago I read What's in a name? by Veronica Mitchell. She'd read the NPR/USA Today article, Blame it on your name , that shared new research results: "a preference for our own names and initials — the 'name-letter effect' — can have some negative consequences." Veronica's post and that article got me thinking about names, and their importance. Changing to my husband’s name and shedding my maiden name was no love lost for me. By the time we married, I’d have gladly married any other name just for a change. My maiden name was a trial; I was sick of spelling it, pronouncing it, explaining it, and dealing with the thoughtless rude comments about it. My sister and I dreamed and planned for the day we could shed that name. So I wonder, sometimes, whether I adequately considered what a name change would actually mean. Heritage and genealogy matter to me and my maiden name reflected a great deal of familial history. Histo