Julie Pippert: Using My Words

My mother- and father-in-law just got back from a trip to Alaska. This past Saturday they regaled us with stories and descriptions from their trip. My mother-in-law might have said other things, but what I heard most was: it was cold . I love cold. I love it. My mother-in-law said that Alaska weather reminded her of the time she made that mistake and came to visit us in Boston in late March. I love Boston in late March. It's usually brisk. That year was no exception, with some snowfall lingering still. We decided to tromp around Cambridge---Harvard Square---because my favorite book store was there. My mother-in-law had slacks, a sweatshirt, and a windbreaker, with low-heeled loafers. She was frozen. Near to death. I, on the other hand, was doing a fair impression of Julie Andrews singing and dancing my merry way across the slush in about the same amount of clothing, minus the flats. I had on hiking boots. "You and winter," said my mother-in-law, segueing back from the Mas...

God bless Tori Spelling, largely for the times she oh-so-unknowingly entertained me. Let's start back a bit here. The suckitude of this day knows no bounds. It sort of follows a week that steadily drove itself downhill, domino fashion. I started out with great intentions of all I'd accomplish this week only to watch said intentions go up in a flood of water. Just. don't. ask. Suffice it to say, we have to put a new ceiling in our living room. Uh uh! I said just. don't. ask. So this morning, I went for a bike ride to take a box of vegetables to my friends' house. (Also best to not ask.) She made the mistake of asking me that simple question, "How are you?" I told her. Five minutes later I realized my voice had hit a level only dogs can hear and her kids are staring at me in horror. "Uh uh uh," I stammered, "I'm so, so sorry, um kids, I was just, you know, frustrated..." so the eight year old reached out in sympathy and said, "I ...

I don't watch Tyra Banks on any show, much less her talk show. I don't even really watch VH1 or I haven't since they quit actually playing music, or really, any music I like much. This is a matter of preference not snottiness. I roll in the gutter plenty so I don't cast aspersion (much). However, I happened to catch a show on VH1 about the Tyra Banks show. She was featuring a topic called My Big Fat Ass. I'm not sure whether to love it or hate it, but I was definitely horrified/fascinated when she opened her show by walking past four women prominently sticking out their allegedly junk-filled trunks...slapping each rear end as she went by, and squeezing the last one. She asked Carnie Wilson on as a guest---you know, the self-described lead spokeswoman/advocate for Healthy Body Image for Plus Size. She used to sing? Her dad was a Beach Boy? Right-o. So Carnie is on and she's talking about her life challenges or something and the conversation went roughly like this...

Contestant Kady Malloy poses on the tarmac in Santa Monica. ( Photo Credit: Timothy White, Fox Photo, American Idol. ) February 21, 2008 By Julie Pippert HOUSTON -- After last night's American Idol women's competition, 5.3 million teens boys from around the United States decided to move to Oklahoma and Texas. "Oklahoma and Texas seem to be the epicenters of hotness in girls," said Shane Smith, 17, leader of the group Boys Just Want to Have Fun, "We're young---our average member age is 17---and we like hot girls. We also like music. So the only logical thing to do is move to Oklahoma and Texas, where there seem to be a lot of hot girls who can sing. American Idol opened our eyes to this." Smith and the Boys Just Want to Have Fun members wrote and signed a manifesto citing Texan Kelly Clarkson and Oklahoman Carrie Underwood as their major inspiration. "Kelly Clarkson said one time in an interview that she was not the hottest thing growing up, that m...

Quite a few people have asked me whether I'm going to BlogHer. Folks, I'd love to go to BlogHer. Here's what needs to happen for that to be possible: * God must drop a bag of gold down from Heaven for me. BlogHer did happen to choose one of the most expensive cities in America for us to fly to and stay in. As much as I adore San Francisco and have some of my happiest memories there, it is, in fact, extremely pricey, and I voted against it because of that. I have applied to BlogHer for a scholarship so with the conference fee traded out for manual labor by me, all I have to find is air fare and a place to stay (box? under a bridge? too bad the trolleys don't run all night...). If they want me as a hat check girl or similar, one of three expenses is covered. The only alternative is if I can think up a really HOT topic and apply to be a speaker. What do you think? Keep in mind that in the last month the following expenses have tragically accumulated for me: * expensive ve...

My sister Flavia happens to be sitting right next to me so we decided to be efficient (we're smart and sweet that way) and do a single blog entry that covered both of us for today. We decided to do a Tell All entry. The whole thing is eye-numbingly boringly juicy but the best bit is at the end so you have to read the whole thing. Weirdest Thing Lola: Flavia makes up words, like all the time. For example, we went to the green belt across the street to use the trail for a run this morning. On the way back she was describing the effort it took to come and go with six kids and three adults. "It's just dedonculous," she laughed. You know she means ridiculous plus annoying, but the words. She's too much. Also, she gets everyone around her talking like she talks; that is to say, using made up words. Her kids all come out of the bathroom and say, "I just dropped The Bizzomb." Flavia: Oh yeah? Well words are the weirdest thing about you, too. You know every sing...

Since Patience began kindergarten, she's come home at least three to four days a week with a story about a boy in her class that seriously makes me laugh out loud. I know she tells me the stories not because they are humorous but because she's puzzled by the boys and what they said or did, and a little disgusted. I can tell she's already figuring out that XY people can be very different from XX people. I can tell she's already forming the age-old female conclusion that boys are just so very boy sometimes. I'd spent most of yesterday at my best friend's house. She and another good friend (the mother of Persistence's adorable Love of Her Life) were doing some serious home renovation. My contribution was largely to entertain them while they worked and mediate territorial disagreements among the three year olds. They were still heavy into the demo portion (the moms, not the three year olds, although technically, that description could be apt for them too) when ...

1. Christmas Insanity The first nod goes to the American Psychological Association, who I believe are actually the ones behind the whole Christmas Madness Syndrome. I mean really, who stands to gain the most from holiday madness, which, by the way, ensues regardless of amount of spending? That's right: shrinks. In fact, I notice an inverse correlation between holiday sales and level of insanity. 2. Christianity is not for greased pigs I'd also like to nod towards the Christian Church, all denominations, for losing complete control over the holiday they instituted. Despite legislation from the US Congress (which graciously and magnanimously allows the whole world to value Christianity and Christmas), once again, the holiday has run amuck. I'm impressed that the Church is able to control Congress (talk about herding cats) but distressed that they've lost the handle on the holiday overall. 3. Think of Albert, but let's not cry, I know he'd not want it that way A...

Who's that alleged health nut stalking out of McDonalds this morning? Could it be the Good Girl of Blogging being Oh-So-Bad? Indeed it is. Independent sources confirm that celeb-wannabe blogger Julie Pippert of Using My Words was seen clutching a non-diet soda and a bag containing not one but two Bacon, Egg and Cheese McGriddles plus hash browns! Todd Talmadge, morning shift manager at the Space City McDonalds, confirmed that the blogger formerly known as the Ravin' Picture Maven purchased two McGriddles and a full calorie Coca-Cola. "She always asks for Pepsi products like we're some sort of low class joint, KFC or something. Sometimes she gets the Deluxe breakfast---that's the hotcakes, sausage, egg and hash brown---but usually she gets the McGriddles. She always wants extra ketchup. I think she puts some on her eggs," Talmadge said, grimacing in disgust. Blogger Pippert smiled for the cameras as she exited the local fast food restaurant. When asked about th...

The kids are having a Bad Day today ergo I am having a Very Bad Day today. Yep, today has sucked rocks in more than a few ways. No, seriously. I had to call and vent to my husband by noon. Yeahhh, now you hear me: that kind of day. Let's just whip through the day I had because I want to quickly move on to the good stuff (plus, dudes, I have been working us all too hard at this blog all week): 1. Whiny uncooperative kids all morning. As usual, racing to car, racing to school like usual. Persistence being ohhhhhh myyyyyy gosh the Queen of Lollygagland. She has now perfected the art of the extremely suspicious stare...due to receiving it so frequently. I was already sort of fed up with Persistence since she sneaked downstairs and dumped a tub of yogurt on the coffee table and mixed in half a big box of baby oatmeal in it. Then dripped it on the rug and sofa. Took a freaking hour to scrape that out and clean it up. I couldn't find the missing yogurt tub until this morning...when I...

A local woman claims that the devil has moved in. She cited as one piece of evidence this gargoyle/demon, which magically grew out of a corner of her house. Dornach, Scotland confirmed that a gargoyle is missing from its Cathedral. A local woman claims to have been possessed by the devil and demands that a priest or similar expert conduct an exorcism. "It started in small ways, feeling frustrated with the kids, annoyed with other drivers, but then it escalated to full out head-spinning fury," says Julie Pippert, looking relatively normal, other than the odd greenish tint to her face and the smoke coming out her ears. Ms. Pippert claims the devil entered her body when she was sleep-deprived after her youngest daughter's recent growth spurt kept the entire family up for a week straight, "I was yawning a lot and he must have taken that window and jumped right in. I was a nice person, really I was, before the devil possessed me." "Mommy yelled at my sister the...

Today I am finding someone with a shotgun. That shouldn't be too hard here. Today we're going coon hunting. My dog---by the way, the son of hunt champions who once upon a time was hunt trained (albeit for geese, not coons)---is in. I'm heading to the military surplus store for cammo and ammo and anything I need to succeed, because after last night...Romeo Raccoon Must Die! In case you missed our raccoon history: Part 1--- Rocky Raccoon Horror Picture Show Part 2---Over the Hedge- A Declaration of War Set: Our house, 11 p.m. or so, most of the house is dark, shut down for the night. Jon and I are working at the computers in the office. Kids are upstairs sleeping. Dog is lying asleep on the rug beside my desk chair. Enter: Two cats, meowily complaining. Julie: Hey did you feed the cats their dinner? Jon: Not yet. It's on the list. Cats escalate, jumping onto desk and swatting at typing fingers. Dog gets agitated, starts rustling about. Julie: Okay I think the time is now....

Let me tell you a funny story. Moving down here is like moving into the subtropics. Oh, or, wait, it's not like it, it is moving to the subtropics. It's an adjustment as I learn about new and different timing for seasons, plant care, different sorts of plants (all of which appear to be some variety of weed/allergen or hibiscus, oh except for the plethora of azaleas). My husband and I have always believed in xeriscaping and water conservation, which is no problem here where it rains every day during the growing season and everything grows really well, almost jungle like. It's a daily battle to keep the vegetation from taking over, actually. We have a very large lot. The first half of the backyard is lovely flat grass---St. Augustine, God Help Me---a perfect soccer field. Halfway back the tree line begins and the rest of the yard vanishes into dense growth. Last fall I noticed all of my neighbors doing something called cutting back. This is where you trim things back to nub...

Somebody from Nebraska's board/department of tourism hired the Jay Leno advertising agency to attract people to their state this summer. Ummm...?????? I see their plan: let's draw all those tourist dollars to Nebraska. I mean, after all, how many times can you go to hotshot destinations like Orlando and Williamsburg? So...might as well go to Nebraska! I get it, and I know there are lovely parts of Nebraska. But tell me...does this commercial draw you in? I still feel a wee bit suspicious, like someone is having me on at my expense. While on the topic of nothing much whatsoever... And after weighting this blog down with the unbearable heaviness of being all week, I have some bloggy business to take care of that is much lighter. About a month ago my buddy Roz tagged me for a meme , and since things are a little heavy there now too, this is one silly thing I can do in support of Roz. 1. What were you doing ten years ago today? Today exactly? July 20? Uhhh...??? How about generall...