Tuesday, July 27, 2010

How I Prepare to Be the Official BlogHer StalkHer

While the rest of you. . .
  • shine your fancy tickets to BlogHer,
  • buy new cute yet comfy shoes,
  • plot wardrobes with the intensity of a brigadier general,
  • check the mailbox hourly for razzle dazzle cards,
  • RSVP to parties that overlap,
  • hack into databases to see who is going to be where and when,
  • plan escape routes with trusted friends,
  • bribe city officials for the official blueprints of the Hilton NYC,
  • create elaborate index card systems of conference tracks and panels,
  • study Facebook photos and bios like a sorority girl before rush,
  • set up Google alerts for any blog or Web mention of BlogHer 10 (plus BlogHer 10+your name, just in case),
  • hound insiders for secret appearance special guest names,
  • and more. . .
I am in complex and highly technical preparations myself to be the official BlogHer StalkHer.

First, it's necessary that every StalkHer suit up in the appropriate outfit. I'm thinking this looks about right, minus, of course, the strong masculine jawline and five o'clock shadow.

(Frankly, Google has offended me again. Last week I asked about "baby changing tables in men's restrooms" and Google asked me if I meant "baby changing tables in women's restrooms." No GOOGLE, you sexist pig, I mean MEN'S. Some people may call it babysitting when a dad takes charge of the kids, but I call it PARENTING and some fathers do too, such as the ones who will take their baby into the bathroom to change a dirty diaper aka MOST DADS. Now? Google wants to be sure I meant "female bandit." Which, by the way, DO NOT GOOGLE THAT. It's a slew of fetish and playboy and penthouse results. "Bandit costume" provides much better results, albeit all for the men. As usual.)

Anyway, the outfit:

Second, one needs one's tools of the trade. I've been jonesing for an excuse to get this ever since I heard about it:

Micro Ear Gear -- no conversation is safe from me!

Finally, I need a gimmick. This should do the trick:

Everybody clap clap your hands and let's get funky!

Anyway...don't pity me, in my Zorro outfit doing the Cha Cha Slide with a supersonic spy gear hearing piece hanging off my ear.

Just find me and say HI!

(You guys know I'm kidding, right! I've got some spectacular events and plans, and fun with friends lined up. But do not despair! I have, of course, dedicated some time during the day Friday and until my flight on Saturday to StakHer-ing!)


Magpie said...

Can't wait. Must see you!

Yolanda said...

A hilarious post. Have rip-roaring good time.

Florinda said...

Well, you won't be hard to miss in that outfit :-). And I stayed at the Hilton New York last month, so I got a sneak peek at the floor plan...

Hope to see you StalkHer-ing around!

alejna said...

Awww, you're going to be the StalkHer? I've wanted to go to BlogHer, but I also don't have those fancy tickets to shine. I've toyed with the idea of taking the train down to NY for a day to see if I can stalk some people myself, but I'm not a very competent stalker. I don't even have a costume planned!

If I do get down there, can I stalk you?

Kyla said...

Siiiigh. Kiss some Canadians for me, I'm out again this year. Premed is killing my social life, LOL.

nonlineargirl said...

I am glad I got to glimpse you and wave hi briefly, but am sad I missed seeing you in your zorro-outfitted splendor. Next year?