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Loosely in disguise with diamonds: mom confesses to losing consciousness and inability to answer a 5 year old's questions

There will be no weigh-in today. It is pointless.

The blood loss is counteracted by the water retention.


Too bad.


So instead I'll talk about my kids.

The very best thing about my kids

The best thing about my kids is that they will continue playing around and on my body when it collapses on the floor of the playroom after day that basically went: 4 hours sleep + early morning meeting regarding large fundraiser this month + late morning meeting regarding fundraiser this month + playground time with kids + vacuum, tidy and clean house + mow lawn + laundry + review re-re-re-designed book + entertain children + stuff dozens of eggs for egg hunt in morning + deliver eggs + run errand to drug store, bookstore, pet store + buy birthday present for birthday party tomorrow + wrap present + bank + balance bank account + look wistfully at unresponded to comments on blog....and sheesh I feel too tired to go on.

And that was my deal at about 4 p.m. between "mow lawn and shower" and "run errands and get birthday present." I was just too tired to go on.

So I made the mistake of sitting down which led to laying down, head cushioned on the nine month old life sized baby doll.

This is the doll that gets people screaming, "OMFG you LEFT YOUR BABY IN THE CAR!!!!!!" at me in parking lots.

And gets random strangers on their feet in outrage in restaurants when I dump the doll unceremoniously on the bench seat of the booth.

Anyway, in addition to high entertainment value, the doll provides a fabulous head cushion for an exhausted head. Until Persistence wanted to play with her.

"Here, Moddy," she said. Moddy is her combo name for me and her dad. It saves those embarassing moments of "Mom, Dad, whatever the heck your name is."

I cracked an eyeball. A small animal print pillow hovered directly above my head. It wiggled.

Persistence shook her hand again and wiggled the pillow closer to my face, "Here Moddy. Trade. You, pillow. Me, baby."

What a sweetheart. She wants her doll but won't leave her poor, wiped out mom uncomfortably flat headed on the floor. This is typical of Persistence, actually. Very empathetic. I mean, unless it opposes her will.

Of course I traded, but I held out for the large Pooh bear to go under the pillow.

"Let's play the sleeping mommy game," I said, "Mommy is the princess under the sleeping spell."

This is their cue to pile blankets on top of my unresisting body. This is also how a few weeks ago I ended up with pink toenails (and toes) on one foot and purple toenails (and toes) on the other.

(What do they put in that kid polish? No amount of polish remover will remove it!)

It is also how I ended up with a blue face for two days. Some markers are not meant for skin. I laughed it off saying I was practicing my Pict costume for Halloween. But my friends all knew what really happened: I let my kids draw on me when I was too weak to object, while laying semi-conscious within their reach.

All that aside, the kids were incredibly understanding. As long as I am in the room, and not on the computer, they do not care at all about my state of consciousness. My physical presence is enough.

So they played on and around me while I tried hard to stay awake and pay attention. I must have dozed for a few minutes, though, because when I woke, it appeared that they had built me into some sort of hill (with pillows and blankets) and had placed a really large stuffed leopard at the summit (my bloated belly, as it happens).

My alarm clock was that &^#$ doll that sings the ABC song at about 120 decibels. Metallica wishes they were that loud. Then Elmo chimed in with Sunny Days.

Honestly, I prefer my husband's crazy Spanish yelling talkshow station as a wake up. And that's saying something.

Oh well, the 45 seconds was enough. I managed to haul myself up and get moving on to the next bit of the day, with tremendous appreciation that the kids were well-behaved during my low point.

This included (but was not limited to) genuine thankfulness that the kids did not:

* paint the new plaster with a tub of butter,

* smear butt paste all over the wall,

* fight on top of me,

* have a baby powder war,

* fill the tub and flood the bathroom,

* dump a carton (full) of eggs on the kitchen floor,

* flush Barbies down the potty, or

* in any way experiment further with combustible materials...

* among other ways they find to fill their free, unstructured time.

I credit the laps my friend and I made our kids do outdoors mid-day today. As we learned in puppy kindergarten, a tired dog is a good dog, by which we mean not overtired, but happily exercised and adequately entertained.

It might be exhaustion but I got some questions today and I hope somebody knows an answer because I sure don't:

1. Patience wants to know how a car is strong enough to hold all the people and stuff and how the road supports the car. Further, she is intrigued to know how the windows, made of glass, are sturdy enough to not break easily (probably harkening to the constant refrain from me about, "GLASS! Breaks! Hands off!") I said, "I do not know but will find out."

2. What is the physiological benefit to extreme fluid retention. I mean, really? What? Some form of cushion?

3. How long does it take to slice into wedges 2 cases of tomatoes? (This is not some "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" trick math word problem. Believe it or not, I need to know for real.)

4. Why do things that look so good to children---such as yams and maraschino cherries---always allegedly taste so disgusting to them, especially after they've insisted they must have them? I'll give them the cherries---what the heck are those, anyway?---but the yams?

5. Why do good things always have to come to an end?

6. If I've been after a book for almost a year---Special Topics in Calamity Physics, for what it's worth---and still haven't managed to get a copy to read, at what point should I give up and accept that fate (whatever) doesn't want me to read that book?

7. Cleaning out the drainage from the ear tubes after an it just me or ICK ICK ICK?

8. Do I want to watch the American Idol results show or will I just be appalled again?

9. If you can identify the drawing at the top of this post (who drew it, what is of, and what it inspired) I'll send you a photo of an anole. Seriously. You can have a chipper one, like in my banner, or a moody one. Or a flower, if you prefer. Or just a huge public kudo.

That's all, just 9. Not 10.

Happy Friday and have a great weekend.

P.S. The interview I did below? The one that only my REAL friends troubled themselves to read and comment to? (Kidding!) I left out a TRULY crucial point: it is a meme-like thing. If you wish to be interviewed, email me or comment and I will send you five questions. I will do my level best to make them interesting but not make you hate me. If you don't volunteer I might hunt you down.

copyright 2007 Julie Pippert

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atypical said…
oooh oooh oooh, really tired, so I will likely miss something (since it is almost 2 AM here), but, it is Lucy in the sky by Julian Lennon (sp), I would LOVE to be interviewed by you since I am such an attention hog, and I too have sported multi-colored face (but not toes yet).

Bad grammar, and I forgot a bunch, so I will have to try to babble more tomorrow.
Scribbit said…
A life sized baby doll? That part cracked me up.
Kyla said…
AI results show? You will be disappointed.

BubTar is equally obliging with the physical presence. Its how I sucker an extra hour of sleep out of him in the morning. We watch PBS together...and by that I mean, he watches and I sleep...and we are together.

It is 2am and I am up with KayTar so I'm sure this comment is probably not totally cohesive. *lol*
Unknown said…
I think the mommy princess under the spell sleeping game is classic. I must remember that for when my daughter is old enough to understand. Classic.
Magpie said…
I love that your kids have one name for both Mom and Dad!
Gwen said…
1)I've dozed off reading my daughter books. Sitting up. On the couch. But reading about your day wore me the f out.

2) I read your interview thingy, but then you posted so much other stuff, and right after I was buried from vacation that well, sniff, I blame you. :)

3)Are you opposed to buying STiCP, because I'm pretty sure it's at the book store ..... and I also want to read it. Maybe we can work out a book exchange, after I finish my 900 page book AND the book I am excited beyond all measure to read, I Am a Strange Loop.

4)Fluid retention: hmmm. No answers there.

5)Don't watch the results show. It's actually heartbreaking. People are sobbing and gulping for air and then the bootee gives this ridiculously amazing performance while SOME PEOPLE, who do not belong, just sit there.

Have a good day today!
Sparky Duck said…
yea, like I know about fluid retention. Kudos on the mommy sleeping princess game.

now I dont know how many tomatoes are in a case, but when I slice or wedge my tomatoes, you get 6 per tomato. Or at least I usually do.
Julie Pippert said…
Atypical, YOU WIN!

I do not even care how you knew the answer, the point is I am wicked impressed that you did!

I need to get your email and I will be in touch about the anole and the interview!


Scribbit, even funnier is watching Persistence cruise around with the doll, practically the same size as her.


Kyla, oh man.

Hey TV...I love that as a buying time measure. Extra sleep is a bonus.


Momish, the sleeping pincess game is key, seriously. You will also learn the "dress mommy's hair" and the "let's play the cleaning game!" games I'm sure. LOL

I rate those right up there with "put baby oatmeal in soupy things like yogurt to prevent mess" as far as essential mommy tools. ;)


Magpie, it cracks us up too. "Moddy." Kind of cool.

Patience calls us by our first names, cheeky little thing.


Gwen, I never need sleep aids. Just read an Eric Carle for the 80 billionth time, or better yet, Mr. Rogers. That dude is like unisom for me. Another reason I love him so much.

You are off the hook because you provided awesome fodder in the other discussion. And it is my fault. All this dadgum writing and posting. You're just as bad, you know. Thank goodness! :)

I have tried to buy STiCP. If I had gonea week ago I could have gotten hardback off the clearance shelf for $6. Instead I have to order trade adn will probably pay more than twice that. Damn it. I also was on the 3 year waiting list at the library. Anyway, I ordered it, and it should be in maybe a week from now. I have to get through the book I consoled myself with---the Death of Mr. Love---and the sequel to Wicked which has been staring at me for weeks now.

We should coordinate. You know, better yet...we should read books and have a blog book group---you know something like Bookish Wednesday or something.

#s 4 and 5 are just WRONG.


Sparky, that's it. I'm so getting cherry tomatoes. It's for 400 people.


Thanks all!
Unknown said…
I've definitely done a little sleeping while "minding" the children. I can't do it too often with my daughter though due to the fact that she will come up with a list like the one you are grateful that your children didn't do today. (That is a weird sentence.)

No. 7: Um, yeah. Ick. Double Ick.

No. 5: If you find out, let me know, okay?
Girlplustwo said…
dude, i read it.

water retention is to create a softer landing when pummeled by small people on the floor.
NotSoSage said…
You're hilarious...I love "Moddy" an effort to pay her back and to save yourself embarassment, you should just start calling them Patistence.

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