My sister Flavia happens to be sitting right next to me so we decided to be efficient (we're smart and sweet that way) and do a single blog entry that covered both of us for today.
We decided to do a Tell All entry. The whole thing is eye-numbingly boringly juicy but the best bit is at the end so you have to read the whole thing.
Lola: Flavia makes up words, like all the time. For example, we went to the green belt across the street to use the trail for a run this morning. On the way back she was describing the effort it took to come and go with six kids and three adults. "It's just dedonculous," she laughed. You know she means ridiculous plus annoying, but the words. She's too much. Also, she gets everyone around her talking like she talks; that is to say, using made up words. Her kids all come out of the bathroom and say, "I just dropped The Bizzomb."
Flavia: Oh yeah? Well words are the weirdest thing about you, too. You know every single word in the dictionary, plus all their meanings and use them all. You all should know Lola used to read the dictionary for fun as a child. I kid you not.
Funniest thing we did as kids
Flavia: How can I choose one? We did stupid stuff all the time as kids. I think the mud incident and pecan game stand out the most.
Lola: Did you know over Christmas Cousin T brought up the fork incident?
Lola: Yeah and of course I got the blame. Since I know Cousin T knows about this blog I feel like I have to set the fork incident record straight. It was not, I repeat, not my idea nor did I encourage it. In fact, I actively discouraged it. I said, "Cousin T, you are so stupid, that is the dumbest idea I ever heard."
Flavia: That's love.
Lola: I should explain. One Thanksgiving, probably about 1981 because I was a Know It All Tween...
Flavia: What changed?
Lola: Hardy har har.
Flavia: Anyway, I don't think it was the 80s yet, Lola. I think Cousin T was born in 75 not 76, so it was probably 79 because I think she was about Sauncey's age.
Lola: Okay so I was pretty much a mostly know it all tween and I said it was a stupid idea.
Flavia: You haven't explained the idea yet.
Lola: Oh right, okay Cousin T was always trying to keep up with us, the older cousins. I was oldest, then you and R were middle, and T was last until J came along. Anyway this one Thanksgiving we were bored from sneaking food to the dog off our plates and T announces she's going to stick her fork all the way down her throat. You and R laughed your rears off which only encouraged her, so technically it's partly your fault.
Flavia: What can you possibly do when someone says they will stick a fork down their throat? Who does that?
Lola: So she did and ralphed all over the table.
Flavia: It was disgusting.
Lola: The best part was she missed the pie.
Flavia: More for us.
Lola: Okay so what happened was that the adults rushed over convinced the baby was dying and they made her lay down on the bed in the guest room the rest of the day. And that's why she missed the pie.
Flavia: But that's not even close to the stupidest thing we ever did. There's always the Pecans for Darwin game.
Lola: Ghost in the Graveyard. Horse thievery. And the mud incident, which you already mentioned.
Lola: I wonder what ever happened to Eric and John.
(For a while after our parents divorced my dad and another divorced dad split up a house. The other dad had two boys the same age as me and Flavia. We were all preteens, early teens. That was ummm...a sitcom waiting to happen.
One day probably about 83 or so Eric and John---having already successfully double dog dared me into climbing into the storm drain as well as stealing and riding a horse---decided to triple dog dare me and Flavia into jumping into a giant mud river. So we did, then made chicken noises as they stood clean and dry on the side. So they had to jump in too. To prove they had balls. So, the four of us later trooped home completely covered in mud to the supreme fury of our dads.
We gambled with poker and craps and my gosh, that's probably not even the worst of it.)
Flavia: We could check prison records.
Lola: They probably say the same thing about us. I have no idea what those dads were thinking leaving four teens---two girls and two boys---to their own devices like that all the time. That was insane, that whole period of time.
Fashion Sense of the 80s
Flavia: Let's just say all of Lola's stuff gets rejected by resale shops. Just kidding! She's conservative and not trendy, about longevity and sensibility. Look at this Eddie bauer ad. You'd wear that.
Lola: I am wearing that outfit, almost exactly.
Flavia: That's what I'm saying! You're J Jill and I'm Anthropologie. You're Katherine Hepburn's closet from 1974.
Lola: Oh my GOD, you did not just say that!
Flavia: Hey! That's a compliment! Everyone says she had great style.
Lola: Nobody had great style in the 70s.
Flavia: We thought they did at the time.
Lola: This is about the 80s. I was as big a goofball as anyone in the 80s. I loved that preppie time.
Flavia: You weren't too bad in the 80s. I always wanted to borrow your clothes. Remember I broke the lock on your door to get in to borrow clothes?
Lola: Steal clothes you mean. Remember the day I had to drive around the neighborhood to all your friends' houses to get my clothes back because my closet was empty? You didn't just borrow them, you loaned them out.
Flavia: Oh puh-leeze. Anyway I know a better category than this one.
Most Embarrassing Thing
Flavia: Lola reads romance novels.
Lola: This is not a secret nor is it embarrassing. I openly support women's fiction. You're going to have to work harder than that. Especially when I tell everyone you wore Garanimals in elementary school. Religiously.
Flavia: That's embarrassing? That's why I look so good now. It taught me my levels of matching. My big reveal can be that sometimes I go in the bathroom and pretend to have a poop just so I can sit and read, be alone.
Lola: I think you will find that club has a lot of members.
(We're interrupted by the 7 year old who tells me Patience is using curse words and being mean. This has been a problem lately.)
Lola: That's my really most embarrassing thing. My kids are acting horrible all the time right now. Let's change the subject.
Flavia: Your dog's farts are foul.
Lola: He somehow found the rawhide he got at Christmas and we are in for a rough evening.
Flavia: Reason number 374,000 I don't have a dog. And this magazine has thoroughly irritated me.
(Flavia, while doing this, was reading Body + Soul, a magazine of mine.)
Flavia: Almost Famous.
Lola: I agree and add Clueless.
Flavia: Say Anything, or anything with John Cusack.
Lola: I agree and add High Fidelity, plus because I love Nick Hornby. We should add in some smart movies.
Flavia: These aren't smart movies?
Lola: No they are. I just mean, something with the word "epic" in the description although you know? I hate epic movies. I like smart-assed movies.
Flavia: Me too. The Usual Suspects.
Lola: Anything with Kevin Spacey.
Flavia: The Ocean movies except for Brad Pitt.
Lola: George Clooney. I like his movies too even though I don't think he's that hot.
Flavia: Willie Nelson of course. Dave Matthews. Paul Simon. But these are all so trite. I like stuff off the beaten path, too.
Lola: I found a new group I like; Kate Tucker and the Sons of Sweden. Very cool.
Flavia: Lyle Lovett. OH MY GOD are these all your gift cards?
Flavia: You're rich!
Lola: No I'm not. I'm redoing my kitchen. Back to music. Anything Brazilian.
Flavia: Yeah anything Spanish, rich gift card and cash girl.
(Jon interrupts to do the eye-pointing "I'm watching you" thing to Flavia.)
(Laughing discussion ensues.)
Lola: Okay we have to finish up with the funniest juiciest reveal.
Big Juicy Reveal
Flavia: I'm pregnant.
Lola and Jon pass out.
Flavia: KIDDING! Not anatomically possible. I have four. My body quit.
Lola: This has to be juicy. What do people read gossip sites for?
Flavia: Sex. Drugs. Scandal. Bad habits.
Lola: We don't have anything interesting.
Flavia: Oh my god you can't say that!
Lola: What else?
Flavia: I read Us to see that celebrities are human too.
Lola: Everyone figures we put our pants on one leg at a time, Flavia. We're regular people, not famous.
Flavia: Speak for yourself! I'm a legend, at least in my own mind.
Lola: I'm sure you're legend somewhere, Flav. High school. College. Random underpasses in Fort Worth.
Flavia: You can't say that! This is why Nana thinks my name is Lola and gets us mixed up. There was nothing nasty under any underpasses in Fort Worth or anywhere.
Lola: Uncle! Okay okay. You don't have anything. I don't have anything. I think my glory is all past. I'm the Cherry Bomb. We should run for political office with such squeaky clean records.
Flavia: They're not that squeaky clean; there's just not anything I'll admit on your blog.
Lola: So you have got something! Spill! I'm going to put on my make-up until you tell me something.
Flavia: How does this harm me, Tammy Fay? What are you going to do, apply 20 layers of lipstick until your lips can't move? Mascara yourself into a coma?
Lola (laughing): Come on. You have to give me something for real.
Okay. So, there's no juicy reveal. I'm sorry. All we could think of was that we make up a drink (alcoholic) for every big get-together or event, such as The Christmas 2007 drink was a White Chocolate Raspberry Mocha Martini. The Pennsylvania Summer 2006 drink was a Mango Mojito and Grapefruit Cooler Breeze Martini.
And that's a wrap.
As the cousins---currently re-enacting childhood as we lived it, including going crazy with walkie talkies right now---would say, "Roger that!"
How about a photo?
Copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
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