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In Fair Verona

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

If this were the Renaissance, and Romeo was a person, not a Raccoon, I think people would not only understand and appreciate our ongoing feud, but would, in fact, respect us for it. It might lend us some cache, so to speak.

Instead, we're just middle class people in a middle class town fighting a raccoon. And, for the record, losing. Grudge had evolved to full-blown mutiny, with blood and death as a goal.

Our goals, however, have changed. Why? We can barely explain it to ourselves.

But it all has to do with what we discovered after our last battle with Romeo...and our theory about why he suddenly upped his attacks of us...Romeo found his Juliet, and they have established their own household.

Because we prefer not to follow history but would rather learn from its lessons

Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Therefore, I give you the resolution to our situation, via Shakespeare....

ACT I, SCENE 1

BRODIE (the dog of the house of Pippert)

What, dost thou dare to poke and enter our door?
Turn thee, Raccoon, look upon thy death.

ROMEO (the raccooon of the house of Raccoon)

I do but try for food: put away thy teeth,
Or manage them to rip at this rubber with me.

BRODIE

What, ripping, and talk of management! I hate the word,
As I hate squirrels, all Raccoons, and thee:
Have at thee, coward!

They fight

Enter JULIET RACCOON, ROMEO'S new wife

JULIET

What ruckus is this?
Have thee not yet conquered the door?

ROMEO

Some help, I say! Lord Pippert is come,
And flourishes his dog in spite of me.

Enter PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT

PIPPERT

Thou villain Raccoon,--Hold on not, let that go.

LADY PIPPERT

Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe.

EXEUNT ALL, except PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT

ACT I, SCENE 2

PIPPERT to LADY PIPPERT

Didst thou notice not one but two raccoons?

LADY PIPPERT

Tis true and from nowhere, no less!

PIPPERT

From somewhere, for more!

LADY PIPPERT

For more forsooth. Or for more for food.

PIPPERT

Madam, o' my word, we'll not carry more!

LADY PIPPERT

No, for then we should be carriers.

PIPPERT

I mean, at next strike we shall pelt.

LADY PIPPERT

Ay, and thus pelting, we shall be furriers.

EXEUNT PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT gleefully

ACT II, SCENE 1

ENTER ROMEO and JULIET, both of the House of RACCOON

ROMEO

A dog of the house of Pippert moves me.

JULIET

To move is to stir; and to be valiant is to stand:
therefore, if thou art moved, thou runn'st away.

ROMEO

Better to run away than to die today.

JULIET

That shows thee a weak raccoon, Romeo; for
only the weak dost run to die.

ROMEO

What say you? I run to live, not die.

JULIET

But in running thou chooseth death by hunger; an empty death to be sure.

ROMEO

Then courage fill me if food do not and I press on; no door will hold me.

JULIET

The door the only thing pressed, then.

EXEUNT ROMEO and JULIET

ACT II, SCENE 2

Enter BRODIE (dog) and FRANCESCA (cat), both of the House of PIPPERT

BRODIE

My teeth my tools, the raccoons my fools

FRANCESCA

Better then you do not drool.

BRODIE

Drool! It merely greases the tool for faster draw

FRANCESCA

Draw fast then, for I see Raccoons yonder sketching.

BRODIE

My naked weapon is bared: quarrel, I will back thee

FRANCESCA

How? With a bark worse than your bite?

BRODIE

Fear me not.

FRANCESCA

No, marry; I fear thee!

BRODIE

Let us take the law of our sides; let them begin.

FRANCESCA

I will hiss as I pass by, and let them take it as
they list.

BRODIE

Nay, as they dare. I will growl deep at them;
which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

Enter ROMEO and JULIET

ROMEO

Do you growl at me, dog?

BRODIE

I do growl, raccoon.

ROMEO

Do you growl at me, dog?

BRODIE

[aside to FRANCESCA] Is the law of our side, if I say ay?

FRANCESCA

Ay

BRODIE

Then, without further ado, I do growl at you!

They fight.

Enter PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT in nightwear

PIPPERT

My broom, my broom! Give me my broom!

LADY PIPPERT

A rifle, a trifle! Why call you for a broom?

PIPPERT

Romeo Raccoon dare spite my will and disrupt my rest!
With flourish of fluffy tail he do injure my pets!

LADY PIPPERT

Injure thy pets? Call you then for a vet! Or consider a wire trap well met!

PIPPERT

I'll suffer not this injury to my pets!

LADY PIPPERT

You suffer? 'Tis they that suffer the injury!

PIPPERT
The injury is invasion!

LADY PIPPERT

Then fight the invasion, not the injury!

Pippert flings open door and all of the house of Pippert shoo ROMEO and JULIET out.

EXEUNT all to lick wounds.

ACT III, SCENE 1 the next morning

Enter PIPPERT and LADY PIPPERT

PIPPERT
Such strife this night in all things.

LADY PIPPERT
A glooming peace this morning with it brings.

PIPPERT
Let us ponder, then; have more talk of these sad happenings.

LADY PIPPERT
What price to us, our pets, our family, is this argued propinquity?

PIPPERT
Must all be sacrifices of our enmity?

LADY PIPPERT
Perhaps there can be peace in proximity.

PIPPERT
For both our houses, no pox, but dignity.

LADY PIPPERT
And with less strife, a better life.

EXEUNT both, holding hands.

ACT III, SCENE 2

ROMEO and JULIET, happily for now...



I couldn't quite dare to re-do a song for the Monday Mission, but I wanted to participate and I've owed a raccoon update for a while.

Copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
Also blogging at:
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Comments

Christine said…
this was great, julie!

bravo (imagine me throwing roses on the stage)!!!!!!!!!!!!
painted maypole said…
I tackled Disney, you tackeled Shakespeare. And 2 raccons. Nice job.

I love that you took the idea and made it your own. Mission Accomplished, I say! Bravo!

Thanks for playing!
S said…
Fantastic.

You rock, Julie Pippert. And yes, you are using your words.
Unknown said…
A new blog title AND a Racoonean tale of conflict. Wow!

Great job, Julie. This was really funny.
flutter said…
Oh.My.God.

I think I just wet myself
Anonymous said…
Agree. Mission hilariously accomplished!
Anonymous said…
Wow. Scary good pseudo-Shakespeare, Julie. And wicked funny, too! So Romeo has a Juliet now...It's a plot, you know, a ploy to make you feel more sympathetic.
Lawyer Mama said…
Fabulous! I loved this, Julie! You're so damn clever.

Is it strange that I'm glad your raccoon has found a mate? Except soon you may hear the pitter patter of little raccoon feet....
Kyla said…
Loved it! You are so clever!!
Mad said…
Julie,
This is fantastic. Utterly fantastic. I loved the carrier/furrier bit. I loved the "is the law on our side it I say ay" bit. I loved the subtle allusion to your history with rifles. Heck, I loved all the bits. Great job.
Aliki2006 said…
Brilliant!

What a great display of talent to return home to.
Christine said…
ps--like the new name! just fixed it on my blog list.
How, how do you do it?

I so needed this laugh tonight!

Ah, raccoon romance ...

Remember: fox urine. Or, if absolutely desperate, Rush.
Julie Pippert said…
LOL thanks you guys...I totally ripped off Shakespeare (Romeo and Juliet more specifically), like shamelessly. I admit I recreated a lot for my own use and made up some, but it's all knock-off so thanks for saying I did a credible job (and always glad to get a laugh).
Gina Pintar said…
That was cute but I never did "get" Shakespere.
What happened!? How are you keeping the racoons out of your house? Are you allowing them to live in your yard?

We have a groundhog. But he does not enter our house for food!
Anonymous said…
That was absolutely brilliant! I almost forgot I wasn't reading a play penned by Shakespeare himself. Did he write anything with talking animals?

"Drool! It merely greases the tool for faster draw"
Forsooth, you crack me up!
Julie Pippert said…
Alejna, depending upon how strict your interpretation is, in answer to your question: A Midsummer's Night Dream, although I think the Ass was more of his double entendre and less Disney talking animal LOL!

Gina, LOL no worries. We have decided not to kill the raccoons and share our land with them. The house is off-limits. We keep them out by locking up the cat door. We figure better karma this way, right? LOL
Tere said…
Lady Pippert, you're a riot! Love it!
Emily said…
Fantastic. You made Shakespear more entertaining than Shakespear himself was capable of.
Unknown said…
Wow, I think I'm going to start calling you Lady Pippert, I believe you've earned the title. And speaking of title love,love, love your new one!
PunditMom said…
I'll comment when I stop laighing! :O
MARY G said…
Oh, lovely! Just lovely. And I know how fond you are of raccoons.
Anonymous said…
So well-deserved, the ROLF! I missed this during my move.

(This is not a "shameless" rip-off - it's an incredibly creative nod to the Bard, which, IMHO, is more difficult than doing your own thing.)

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