Oh wouldn't Meredith Vieira love to get her graspy judgmental paws on this one: "I'm a Better Mother When Stoned," by LJ Wilson (pseudonym) currently up at Babble (along with caveat that Babble doesn't endorse alcohol or illegal drug use while parenting).The only problem is I'm afraid I might end up nodding along with her as she rasps out a smug and self-righteous snarky comment that slams all parents who toke a dubie while parenting.
Wilson writes
I've been a weekend pot smoker since I was about eighteen. As a new mother, I continued the indulgence, but only when I was out and my son had a babysitter. I swore I'd never be stoned around my kid. And that plan worked for two and a half years, right up until one morning when my toddler waged a concerted campaign to fray each of my nerves.
Wow.
My first moment of disbelief was that it took two and a half years for her child to fray her nerves. That's some laid back well-behaved kid! Or some laid back mom. Hard to say. Maybe she's just happy in general from the nectar of the ganja.
I'm trying not to be flip.
Because the next portion is what really boggled my mind: she got in the car, drove to the mall, and furtively took a toke off her one-hitter in the trunk.
My second moment of lack of suspension of disbelief was that after such a frazzled day one toke unfurrowed her brow and gave her enough of a high to last at least a couple of hours. Methinks this is the power of placebo.
She then took her toddler on a Pinkie Dinkie Floyd tour of the mall, complete with sensual enjoyment of rock candy.
When the munchies set in, she and her toddler headed back to the car. Meet my third moment of disbelief: under the influence of enough marijuana to call herself high she drove home, with her toddler in the car, no less.
The bottom line for me was how much I identified with the rest of the story that was bracketed within the controversial dope. I, too, have had many days that I wished for a magical mystery cure to unfurrow my brow and help me find the joy in my day and children. Stress is easy to find when you're a mom. It's much harder to remember perspective, and catch a spark of rainbow in the brief life of a bubble while your children laugh and try to capture the elusive spheres.
So I definitely was with Wilson when she wrote
I now believe that — in addition to doing all I can to raise him to be a decent and responsible human being — I need to, from time to time, get down on his level and really see what he sees, to rediscover pleasures like crayons or the sandbox.
When laundry, work, phone calls, personal hobbies, errands, and household chores call my name all day, I've had to find my way to letting it all go so I can sit awkwardly on a tiny chair and pretend to eat a plastic hamburger patty meant to be a chocolate cookie in this tea-n-lemonade party my daughter spent a half an hour setting up. And smile. Like a Miss America pageant entrant.
If I stop and savor the moment, just be, just right there, at that table---the sound of three people pretend chewing plastic toy food, pretend slurping imaginary tea, an occasional muffled giggle, an obligatory belch, dancing eyes in little faces, hands forgetting their prissy poses for a moment then snapping back to with darting glance to see if the etiquette breach was observed---it can be enjoyable. At least for a moment.
Instead of the fast path via drugs, I found it through careful awareness. This takes time, thought, mindfulness. But it's natural, free, and legal.
Wilson's dependence on drugs for carefree parenting is seriously concerning, especially as it is prettily hidden in eloquent writing and exceptional rationalization. Who doesn't want to be a relaxed and loving parent?
We're evolved, aren't we, so we shouldn't care how someone gets there, right? Different paths, same journey?
Not so much.
It's a murky line, and I don't mean to dispute marijuana versus alcohol right now, but bottom line: marijuana is illegal. It is a mind and response altering substance.
However, as I said, it's more the author's dependence on drugs to be what she perceives Her Best Mothering Self. She mentions no other coping mechanisms or tools; just marijuana. Pot is apparently her only path to relaxing and blocking so she can provide undistracted positive attention to her son
In an ideal world, I'd be able to do all of these things without the help of an herb. But the world isn't ideal. It's full of overflowing laundry hampers, dirty dishes and unanswered email. Pot's much-maligned a motivational properties I would term an enticement to "single-tasking." Erecting a temporary smokescreen is a way to block out the demands that take my attention away from my child.
She's right: we need to tune out these distractions and focus on our kids now and again.
I just have the feeling most of us manage it without having to smoke marijuana. And I worry that this encourages fretful moms who feel out of balance that pot is the way to go.
It comes from a good place (desire to be a good mother) but uses a bad path to get there.
Let me know what you think about smoking pot to parent (which is different than smoking pot on the weekends with friends or past bedtime, etc, not that I'm advocating those, just pulling out the red herrings upfront).
Also, do you think this article about pot smoking is a true story, or a fictionalized account to make a point and create controversy?
Note: This article has been sk*rt'd! Come vote! Thanks!
Copyright 2007 Julie Pippert
Also blogging at:
Ravin' Maven REVIEWS: Get a real opinion about BOOKS, MUSIC and MORE
Ravin' Maven RECOMMENDS: A real opinion about HELPFUL and TIME-SAVING products
About-HOUSTON-TX.com: HOT scoop about H-Town!
Comments
Marijuana is AS BAD AS ANY OF THE OTHER DRUGS.
This woman should be arrested and sent to rehab, and her kids placed with somebody responsible. End of story.
This one really makes me mad, Julie. :(
It was bad enough that I had to be exposed to it, but kids? Come ON?
The drugs are totally messing with her brain - her sense of right and wrong is out the window, and she thinks it is a benefit not to be able to multi task? FFS?
Snoskred
http://www.snoskred.org/
Decades since my last ... what did you call it? "Dubie"? ... I am convinced that we are all in altered states of mind most of the time.
Otherwise explain how we commit the folly of marriage, or how women after going through labor once willingly submit to another, or how men allow themselves to be robotized enough to kill other human beings in the organized ritual called war?
Good result (to be in the moment when with your kids) --
bad way to achieve it.
How sad that she finds life (and children) so stressful that she cannot be present and in an unaltered state of mind.
It is a hard one to argue, because it will come down to the alcohol/marijuana argument again. I've said before that I don't have a problem with cocktails around kiddos, as long as it is done responsibly. On any occassion I've had a drink around my children it has been singular in nature and I'm very aware of my tolerance. This weekend, when we had a couple more than that, the kids were in bed and we had a designated grown-up, just in case. I think that if she is smoking enough pot to alter her parenting, that isn't all it is altering. It can't be likened to a single glass of wine. I'd never get drunk and then parent, which is more what is being discussed if you take the pot/alcohol question out of it. If you wouldn't parent drunk, then you shouldn't parent stoned. Both are equally wrong, even if you take legality out of the question.
It certainly gives me an uneasy very feeling as generally I'm take the approach the 'anything goes if it works for you.'
Since you can't often step into anyone's shoes, I find that this approach gives me the most peace of mind, but that option gives me the shivers.
Best wishes
BTW, I would like to add my preachy-ness and say, "What the hell is Token' Tammy thinking!!!"
Getting high is great fun...in college. You can't race like lighting to the high chair as Baby Bootsie is falling and rescue her before her precious soft head smashes against the ground.
A high mind is too busy mulling over the texture of potato chips to make sure Bootsie's face isn't submerged in bathtub water.
I don't like to begrudge Token' Tammy some downtime, but let's be honest. Motherhood ain't easy and what makes it great is when you buck-up and handle it.
I was a pretty hardcore smoker for a couple of years in my early twenties. Don't do it anymore. All it took was a toke for me to be high as a kite. I can have a drink and not be drunk but I cannot toke and not be stoned. I think that's the big difference between having a drink around a child and having a toke.
And, Julie, I totally agree with you about the having to get down to your child's level sometimes. I'm really bad at that. Yesterday was an example of a day when maybe I should've.
We all go through trying times as parents ... but medicating ourselves to get through them doesn't make us better parents. It helps us avoid parenting, really. I mean ... parenting stoned? How much is she missing?
So much of what Tokin' Tammy wrote I could relate to. Really. Except the getting stoned to parent bit.
I hope this is just fiction to illustrate how daunting parenting can be. But part of me doesn't think it's entirely fictional.
I am constantly seeking both the magical cure to unfurrow my brow and to stop and savor the moment. I agree that it takes a lot of careful awareness - I am constantly stopping myself, shutting all the distractions and personal desires (to read a magazine, to veg out, to enjoy a hobby) just so I can really be there for Max and see the world through his eyes.
It's not easy, and I fail many times. But I never thought parenting would be easy or convenient, so I'm o.k. with it. Being inebriated in any way in order to parent is just a big, cheap cop-out.
Deep breath and perspective seem harder to come by these days.
And when a person works so hard at rationalizing it....makes me wonder too.
I would have preferred the person to sound a BIT guilty. To have questioned her actions despite any positive results.
We are all trying....it is hardwork....we all have our moments....I don't think this is the best way to go out it.
All I'm saying is, maybe it's "status" of the medication that's getting the black eye, rather than the medication itself.
Maybe learning better coping skills is the answer?
Peace,
~Chani
I saw it happen to someone I loved and nobody would take it seriously or help me. Oh, it's just marijuana, they said. It's not harmful. He may not have been able to die from an overdose of it, but believe me it was harmful.
Snoskred
http://www.snoskred.org/
Anyway what do we know about this woman's life? Her kids might be a total nightmare to live with. Maybe her husband comes home and they start picking at each other. Maybe she has some terrible things lurking around the corners of her mind that threaten to overwhelm her. I don't know, seems to me that if a little buzz gets her through all that so that she can still smile at her kids as she puts them to bed, who am I to judge?
Very good.
I had to dig into the deep recesses of my ability to think. Luckily I have a teeny bit of that left. LOL ;)
Okay here's the thing---and this is general discussion, not aimed at you, Jeff:
I consider prescription drugs to be something used under the supervision of a qualified physician who has diagnosed a physiological need for that drug and determined it is the best treatment to cure a disorder.
I consider them a *means* in most cases, not an *end.*
(But if you want to put a fine point on it I think sometimes prescription drugs are abused too because it's easier, doctors don't spend adequate time diagnosing and working on the problem instead of just treating the symptom and so on.)
Recreational drug use (including alcohol) (along the same lines as described in this articlethat puts one into a state of drunkenness or stonedness (call Webster's) is someone taking a quick route to avoid the real work required to solve the real problem.
IF the author said, 'ONE TIME at home (not while driving) I was desperate and I took a hit...and it calmed me, then I realized I need to figure out how to calm, how to cope, how to let go and just be...so I began practicing deep breathing or yoga or gave myself a cue through a cup of tea or something else or all of the above...'
I'd have had a completely different take.
But it's four years later and this is still her regular and only coping mechanism.
In my mind that is dependence and drug abuse, and irresponsible at least some times.
We've all (or okay in my world including me) had a little margarita or something to quickly and easily have a settle down in the evening.
I don't depend on it, though, as my mechanism. And I don't get drunk to handle parenting.
Like many commenters, I like to be pretty open-minded and liberal about routes through parenting. Goodness knows I know there is definitely NOT one size that fits all because every person and every situation has different needs. I can't even parent the exact same for my own two kids.
So I usually adopt a "live and let live" philosophy.
I certainly don't want to be judged...definitely not. So I don't do that.
But even sometimes judgment is called for.
I can't say I'm ready to set up a Guy Fawkes day for this mom, by no means.
But if I were her friend? I'd be having a little chat, asking how I could help her find another means to the same end, one that wasn't dangerous, addictive, and illegal.
I think what I want to make clear here as a major point is not that I am taking issue with marijuana or alcohol.
I am taking issue with dependence on controlled substances.
I am taking issue with abusing them.
And I am taking issue with depending upon these things exclusively to find your zen in parenting.
And yeah, there is cache and cache and I've fought in my share of debates about marijuana's status and the hypocrisy inherent in some substances being allowed and others not.
But bottom line...marijuana is an illegal drug, it carries many risks, and IMO the dangers are just too high.
When my life gets to where I start thinking about booze daily? I change my life. I don't drink daily to fix it.
"I now believe that — in addition to doing all I can to raise him to be a decent and responsible human being — I need to, from time to time, get down on his level and really see what he sees, to rediscover pleasures like crayons or the sandbox."
The fact that a parent is incapable of doing that without the use of a mind-altering substance is sad. I agree that it's a fine line and of course the alcohol versus pot debate comes into play. But I would think that using alcohol in order to cope with parenting also signals a problem.
Is taking a toke the same as my anti-depressant? Hell, no. Taking an anti-depressant doesn't impair my judgment.
And in regards to anxiety/depression/other meds, I feel that they are totally different. The dosages are controlled by a licensed physician to treat a medical condition. Parenting is not a condition that needs to be treated, and marijuana use is not being monitored and prescribed by a physician any more than alcohol is. They also do not impair your judgment in the same way.
But, I agree this is wrong on so many levels. I'm all for legalizing marijuana for medical purposes, but not for recreational use. It does stuff to your head, recent studies have shown this.
And to get high, put your kid in the car and go driving? Criminal. Absolutely criminal.
marijuana is illegal in large part the propagation of other addictive industries like alcohol and tobacco. and marijuana has more medicinal qualities than either of the above. so i think that's less about protecting people than making money on criminalization, but i may be a raging liberal freak.
i don't know if she was kidding or not, and i am with Kailoroz and found it mildly funny.
i don't respect anyone who puts their child in danger in any situation (driving over the speed limit for example) but going hell and brimstone over pot isn't really the answer. the need for self medication is the symptom to an overworked, overstressed, overburdened society.
There is much noise being made in Canada right now over decriminalization of marijuana. Much evidence points to racism as the reason pot is being demonized where alcohol and other substances are not.
I think what I want to make clear here as a major point is not that I am taking issue with marijuana or alcohol.
I am taking issue with dependence on controlled substances.
I am taking issue with abusing them.
And I am taking issue with depending upon these things exclusively to find your zen in parenting.
When you drink a glass of wine, the alcohol content is controlled. Ditto for prescription drugs. Yes, each of these can be abused, but in a non-abuse system a glass of wine is a glass of wine; a 50 mg dose of Prozac is just that.
No such control exists for pot. So one bag of weed is Mexican oregano and doesn't do much; the next is Maui Wowie and one hit leaves you stoned to the gills for hours.
How the hell can anyone parent effectively given that degree of randomness?
Plus it's illegal.
Quick q for you all. How many of you wake up to have that mind-altering substance we call, in the East, coffee? Okay, apples and oranges?
I'm not a mom yet, and I only tried smoking once (inhaled and puked like a rabid animal...mixing w/alcohol is a no-no I discovered!).
Zen practitioner for about 7 years now (that long!?) and wonder about this notion of "finding your zen." It really does take cultivating and a daily practice. It's a path. Things will always "rile" you whether you have 0 children or how many do the Duggars have now...17? It's up to an individual, not society, to cultivate a practice that suits their needs and schedule. Be it yoga, zazen or some other form of mind-body practice, I think that keeping sane in 2007 and beyond demands that we have our "me" time that connects us to a reservoir of calm inside ourselves.
For every story like this one, there are a dozen out there of moms and dads finding the time to cultivate that practice. To step back, take a breath and return, as Julie is advocating here, to the moment. I see it as our duty (to our families, our communities and our selves) to do so.
Good luck!
My kids have never exasperated me to the point that I felt I needed to drink or smoke weed to deal with them.
I'd feel like a failure if that were the case.
It sounds like a lot of rationalization for drug abuse to me.
everybody's smoking pot. everyone else is a republican.
my god. i need coffee to take the edge off a morning. call CPS!!
I'm with ya, Gwen. There's something else going on here that we're all reacting to. Let's start with the premise of MY KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
How have we all become so reactive? Are any of you able to externalize what's going on with your kids, or have we all become so acclimatized to leaping at the first warning bell that life is a constant battle? The 21st century psyche is rigged as the keenest fight-or-flight system ever created. Anyone who tries to sit on the mat for 5 minutes a day knows what I mean: the bills! the laundry! the lead paint in the friggin' Polly Pockets! my new teenaged babysitter smokes, I'm sure of it! I left my diaphragm under the pillow of my mother's guest bed! the environment!
I look at some of my acquaintance's kids and think they could do with a weekend of some laid-back parenting. If you listen closely here you hear everyone saying the same thing though: We love our kids, fiercely. We don't want them hurt. We don't want them sad, or unhappy, or harmed. I'm just wondering if we're also aware of what all this alarm, caution, and fear is doing to our bodies and to our children.
And if you think that you don't have addictions, think again. Maybe it's not alcohol or pot. How's your TARGET HABIT today? Or is it STARBUCKS? Or maybe it's picking at your husband, maybe it's cleaning your house, maybe it's dishing with your friends. Maybe it's trying to subtly control or influence every thing in your environment so that at last you can be HAPPY AND CONTENT and NEVER HAVE TO SUFFER AGAIN.
I'm just sayin'.
First, thank you guys for being so willing to voice experiences and opinions, for adding to the discussion, and for seguing to a crucial new topic.
Second, some good points a number of people have made that I want to tackle in general from my POV.
I think the idea that we all often feel like we are not keeping our heads above water in this complicated modern life is intriguing to explore. Obviously you know I feel this, after my post about "not having it all, all at once."
I see an unintentional posting pattern here for me. :)
Our parents before us felt this and so did there parents before them, obviously in different ways and to different degrees, but stress in life is not a modern invention of the 21st century.
So we learned from them how to cope. Or we had to figure it out on our own. Or we learned from mom and dad, but it wasn't a thing that worked so had to learn something new.
For me, you can take out the word "pot" and substitute in any other habit that masks the symptoms of a problem without actually working to solve it...and I'd have the same opinion.
For me, the issue is the why. The quick fix. The no real solution.
I don't think all things are equal, though. Some substances or habits are more harmful than others, and things done in more serious degree are also more harmful.
Occasionally buying one's self a new blouse in a bit of "retail therapy" is probably not a big deal.
Dropping money regularly and spending into heavy debt as retail therapy is.
KWIM?
When I begin depending on coping mechanisms---crutches---I turn up the mindfulness.
I won't go on and on about that---I just detailed it in my "Why did I think I could have it all" post from just a couple of days ago.
But I think that concept is crucial.
As I just said to a really cool person, "Changing the culture is a little overwhelming as a goal. It's like asking the ocean not to wave. KWIM? IMHO, all we can do is ask ourselves to find a way to be different---better---and manage within what we have here better. In the end, I think this will have the side-effect of changing the culture, but just one individual at a time...KWIM?"
Here's my Humble Opinion: We all have our habits...vices...coping mechanisms to deal. But in the end, they should be temporary, a now and then thing, a brief breather to allow perspective so we can see our way to what we need to make things better, so we don't need to depend on crutches.
:)
Go get high, get drunk, attend a swing fest, whatever you want to do for fun when your child is safe. BUT, do not tell me that you think it's okay to put your child in that kind of danger.
Some mothers take prescribed medications because the anxiety or the depression they are feeling is impairing their judgement. THAT is good mothering. Taking drugs TO impair your judgement is not.
Maybe I'm fired up because I am raising a child whose mother used drugs. Maybe it's because I've seen the effects it has had on his life.
Call me a prude, call me un-evolved. Call me concerned for our children.
Since I have never smoked pot, I will refrain from commenting on the rest of the story, despite my rather strong feelings on the matter.
But the driving? Shame on her.
Speaking of race, is this OK for her to do because she's white and lives in the 'burbs? Would we feel as laid back about this if she was Latina or African-American and living in South Central LA?
Methinks no.
I am appalled at this and I also blame Strollerderby for tacitly approving of her behavior by allowing this to be published.
God knows I've had my days, but I cannot even imagine using a drug to alter my mind and then DRIVING TO THE MALL with my small child in the backseat.
I agree with one of the other commenters who said pot is as bad as other drugs.
I'm not some squeaky clean mom - I've had my share of tokes. But this is outrageous, criminal and dangerous.
She should be ashamed of herself.
{climbs off judgmental soapbox}
My concerns are the smoke getting to the kids and the fact that it's illegal so when the kids are old enough to know he's smoking something that is not cigarettes, how do you explain that they can't talk about it because it's illegal but daddy's not a bad man? (okay now I know most of you are convinced both of us are bad parents but that's your opinion.)
I tend to think that the line was crossed with the driving more than the occasional one-hit wonder.
But I can also say this is something I'm not likely to try myself. And it sure would not be okay if I found out my babysitter, grandparent, or other caregiver were doing it on their shift.
My husband has recommended to me that I put both kids in their cribs, make a hot cocoa, and watch sex in the city until the urge to scream passes. We all have our vices. :-)
But the truth is, I don't know her race. The name is a pseudonym and I assume the image on the article is stock.
But I do feel safe hazarding a guess at middle-class as the author's socioeconomic status.
I *do* wonder how that plays!
Off to think...
You asked, "An important question here is are you high the instant you take a puff and if not, how much do you have to smoke to be high?"
That's a good question and there is no one answer even for a single person.
Not every bag is the same, right? because it all depends on the crop, the procedures to "compound," and any other ingredients or potency, plus your susceptibility in that moment.
And that's one of the points to ponder. Although I admit to feeling a tad like I'm splitting hairs...however it is one of the arguments I've used as to WHY marijuana ought to be legal nationwide for medical use: regulated as a controlled substance.
Ironically. :)
I am not making this judgment without some serious knowledge on the issue - my now EX-husband could have written exactly what you typed there, except I was not drinking wine.
Having lived through it myself, being the person NOT smoking the pot, and being the person NOT enjoying all the supposed benefits of it, I'll sum it up pretty simply for you.
I do not have children. I have two cats. If I were smoking pot in this house with these cats, the RSPCA should take them away from me and I should be put in jail..
So yes, I absolutely think you should get responsible, 24/7, or get someone who is responsible and NOT smoking pot on a daily basis to take care of your kids. Whatever you may say about it, smoking marijuana is NOT a responsible thing to do.
What's going to happen when they get a bit older? You're going to be smoking it in front of them, because they won't be going to bed as early? You're going to try and hide your drug use from them? That sure sounds like a great plan. You're going to quit? Yeah, my ex-husband was *always* saying that. Never happened, though. But you know, when I woke up in the morning and heard the water bong, the lightbulb went on and I started making plans to get the hell out of there. He is still smoking it today - and he just lost his job because of it.
You had the kids. Nobody held a gun to your head and forced you to reproduce, right? When you become a parent, that means you have to be a grown up now. You now have a responsibility to them to set a good example, and drug use is NOT a good way of doing that.
Call me judgmental if you like, but hello I lived through this exact situation, so at least I have some idea what I am judging.
We all have our vices, but my ex-husband had this one, and it made him into a different person. It is doing exactly the same thing to you, but you do not know it, nor will you ever - because it's not a "bad drug" and you feel it is acceptable and you do not and cannot see the damage it is doing.
As far as alcohol is concerned, the occasional glass of wine is fine. I mean occasional. To me, if you're drinking it daily, that is time to take a good hard look at why.
What goes on in my head is enough fun for me, I don't need to take drugs or drink to "relax" or "chill out" - I have found many good ways of doing that which don't require any kinds of drugs.
Alcohol makes me feel sleepy too - that's why I don't bother with it. Can't you settle for a hot chocolate and some cheesecake, if you need to "enjoy" something? Why the need for drugs? If your life is really as fulfilling as you claim? Why do you need them? Is it because you're used to it, because you are actually addicted without knowing it? Try not doing it for a week, see what happens. I'm willing to bet you are addicted if you're doing it daily.
" god made grass
man made booze
whom do you trust?"
i have been smoking pot for years around my kids [ages 12 and 8] as do all the people who come to our home. it is so normal for my kids, it's like seeing someone drink a beer or have a cup of coffee. it's a non-issue.
but most of all, it's a plant and it's a pure as it can get and it never does harm. it promotes peacefulness and wisdom and frankly, i cannot wait to smoke weed with my kids when they are older----i hope it becomes a family ritual when they are grown-up....we get together for christmas or a birthday and we all smoke weed together.
i am continually astounded how amserican people are so afraid of this plant--
i have amazing kids. smart, funny, well-behaved and clever.